Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Time for a new thread. Here's the link to my previous one: Still trying....

I was going to journal, but it's getting a little crazy around here now (the kids )! I'll do it later.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Things have been going well over the past few days. H has called everyday since...well, he's actually been doing it for a long time now. He continues to always ask if I need him to pick anything up before he comes by for the kids, his mail, or whatever, and I thank him every time and let him know how much I appreciate it.

When he's here, he stands close to me and is always facing me. He'll even brush up against me when we pass by each other...I'll look at him...and he'll smile at me like he's being sly or something . I know he's trying to get close...this is what he has done many times in the past.

When we're on the phone, he'll ask how my day went....this is something he VERY RARELY ever did, so it's really nice when he does.

Halloween night when we returned to the house and before H left, he gently put his hand on my cheek and gave me a very soft kiss goodnight .

Like I said, things are going well...very well ...however, I am still waiting on MC. I brought it up today when I talked to H, and he still says no one ever called him back. He's calling again tomorrow.....I'm having doubts....Is he being truthful about it or not? Is he stalling? Hmmm....I'm not going to call and make the appt....This is on him to take care of....but how long is long enough? According to what H told me, he called at least 6 different MCs about 2 weeks ago.

Well, I've been thinking a lot like I always do , and I've come to the decision to keep moving on with my "new" life, but I will also leave the door open for H....so now is the time for him to prove himself to me....I will say that he's off to a good start.

I know what I have to do for H. I must continue to praise him with WOA and just be there for him...emotionally...because that's what he needs so much of. It will be a challenge...a BIG one especially if he needs the emotional crutch everyday...but hopefully in time, H will get better with the help of C, and maybe even after he gets a new job that he actually enjoys.

When the right time comes along, I will sit down with H and tell him what I need in this R, and I'll listen if he tells me what he needs (if it's anything other than what I said above). As we all know, I need QT and more tenderness in the PT department. I'll talk about dealbreakers with him....if one should occur, that's it. There will be nothing more (although I do expect a little backsliding here and there -- on both sides ).

I do believe I've grown very much in the past few months. I can feel it . I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to speak up for it anymore. I've been quiet for far too long.

Following my heart....

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

I just went through yesterday's mail. I always open everything even if I know it's just junkmail.

Well, I came across H's credit card statement (the one that is solely in his name), and it appears to be a confirmation notice letting him know that his request for a change of address has been completed (they sent it here as a precaution). It's been changed to the address of where he's staying now. I also noticed that his monthly bill for the gym didn't come for this month either.

Sooo....ok, he's been out of the house since the very beginning of July, and not once did he ever do a change of address on anything....It's now November, and there's this one change that was done a week ago....?????

After telling me that he wants to be back in the house by the 1st of the year, why did he do this?????

Is H up to something? I mean, I just don't get it. Why the address change now? After all these months?

[ValerieA]

Am I just being too paranoid? I can't help feeling like H might be up to something....like as if he told me about his goal for the 1st of the year to stall me....to keep me from filing.

His bank account statement came today, and there's $1000 less than last month ! Bills haven't been sent out yet so this has to be about poker !!! Oh yeah! And I also found out that he's been sports betting again !

What the he** can I do???!!! All of the money is in his name! There's a LOT of money in the bank, but I can't stand to see it slowly diminishing . I want to go off on him so bad, but where the he** is that going to get me? NOWHERE.

It's definitely NOT a good day .

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

A tiring weekend but very productive .

Things had been piling up in the house for a while....clutter ....but I FINALLY got it all under control (I think ).

The boys were with H this weekend since he didn't have them last weekend (he was working, remember?). I was taking a shower when they arrived home this evening. When I was done, H told me all about their weekend together. After a few moments, H said, "I'm really impressed with the way the house looks! I can see you did a lot." I thanked him for noticing (that was the first time H EVER gave me any WOA as far as housecleaning goes).

Anyway, H hung around for a bit watching the football game. Then before he left, I was in the laundry room folding clothes and he said, "Something very good or very bad is about to happen soon." I asked him what he meant by that, and H said, "Well....I go for my employment test with XXXXXX (refinery) on Tuesday....it all hinges on how I do....either I'm going to get that job and you'll let me move back in or I don't get it and nothing happens." I looked at him and said, "Are you basing your decision about coming home on whether or not you get this job?" H said, "No...I know that didn't sound good the way I said it, but I didn't mean anything bad by it." He came over to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on my forehead. Then we said goodbye and he left.

We had also talked about finances while he was still here. H trimmed S1's hair a little, so I asked why S9 and S6 didn't get a haircut, too. H said, "Because I'm broke, Valerie. I'm not made of money, you know.".... ....$20? He can't afford to spend $20 on haircuts for his sons? Are you kidding me?!

Now this is where the "old Valerie" would've gone off. This is where I would've "bashed" H over the head with what he's "spending" with his gambling which is FAR MORE than $20....but that was the "old Valerie". I did say something though .

After his comment about being "broke", I said, "Oh, ok. Well...it probably wasn't the best idea to enroll S6 in Tae Kwon Do then, was it? Since it's costing us an extra $65 a month." H said, "No, I know....(sigh)....I was just being an a**hole. I can afford it...I'm just being stupid and bit**ing. I'm sorry."

Anyway, we also talked about our Christmas fund for this year. I suggested to H that we only shop for the kids this Christmas. I figured this would save money and that he would appreciate that very much since he's out of work right now. He said ok and thanks.

Alright, I need to get the kids to bed now. I hope everyone had a nice weekend, and thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Quick update:

H goes for THE test tomorrow morning...it's 150 candidates hoping to get 1 out of 3 opportunities for an interview.

Keeping my fingers crossed for him !

BTW, I got an "ILY" today...but I couldn't say it in return. I just said, "Alright, I'll talk to you later. Good night and good luck! I know you'll do great, H!"

[ValerieA]

I called H last night to see how testing went for him. He said it was really tough, but he thinks he did good. If he doesn't get a phone call on Monday (they'll call here), then that means he didn't make it.

Still have my fingers crossed for him .

Anyway, I know I said I would leave the door open for him, but I just feel like I'm in this "funk" right now...where I'm so sure that it couldn't be better for us. I've been feeling this way since H said "ILY" the other night, and I couldn't say it in return.....I remember when I was waiting to hear those words from him again in the beginning of this mess....and now....well, they mean almost nothing to me. They tell me he cares...I KNOW that...but nothing more.

Sometimes I wonder if leaving the door open is a mistake itself. Sometimes I truly believe that I have totally detached from H and the M, and if I just went along with things for the sake of my boys...well, I think I'd be making a big mistake. I'm afraid that I won't be in the M emotionally and mentally.

(Sigh)...

I want to be loved....I want to feel love again...but I can't seem to feel it with H...and maybe I've reached a point where I don't want to.

Thanks for listening.

[WCW]

I sure understand how you feel about the finances and finding the surprises. It's always like a kick in the stomach to find out the hard way. Hope for the best.....

[ValerieA]

Thanks for your visit, WCW .

It just popped into my head that someone once posted to me that it seems I don't trust H in any aspect of his life...they were right...I don't.

I have absolutely no trust nor any faith in H.

I trust that he will always take care of the boys...financially...but that's about it.

He lies...or he doesn't stick to what he says he's going to do or not do.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "I'm done with poker. I'm serious. I can't take the bad beats and negative swings anymore...I'm done, and I'm not playing anymore." -- Mmm hmm...I just heard all of that last week again, and as usual, he's been out to the card room 3 times already this week.

Same thing with the sports betting.

I've been around him so many times when friends or relatives would ask him for a favor or something else, and he would always come up with some excuse to get out of doing it, whatever "it" was. Even if his own mom asked him for help with something...and many times I even had to make up excuses for him whenever I went to family get-togethers because he didn't feel like doing anything or being around certain people in his family.

(Sigh)...I'm just tired of hearing his excuses, and when I ask him about something, I always wonder if he's using one on me. For instance, the MC....nothing still , and we talked about this over a month ago. You know what I think? I don't think he's called at all.

I've also told him about what I need as far as dating goes. I explained this to him a week or two after he moved out 4 months ago...a month ago...and again 2 weeks ago when he asked what he needed to do to "sweep me off my feet".

I just don't feel like I have any faith in H to do any of what I'm asking for...and HIS deadline of January 1st is approaching fast.

I don't think it's going to happen because I just don't see the effort coming from him.

Thanks for letting me vent . Have a good evening, everyone.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Ready for some venting? Not the angry kind though....disappointment.

This was H's weekend to have the kids. Well, I had worked out with my parents for them to watch S1 for the weekend so H could take the other two to do things without the baby since he can only last so long when out-and-about.

Anyway, somehow MIL had S9 and S6 last night and the night before....so evidently, H was child-free except for today....Ok, whatever.

I guess the way I see it is this -- he was free, I was free (and he knew this)....did H make any attempt to do something....ANYTHING....with me at all???

NO.

You know what he did?...That's right...he went out to play cards.

After telling him to "court" and "romance" me, and he even said he wanted to do this,....nothing. NOTHING.

I'm getting really tired of being patient. I'm getting really tired of waiting for him to come around.

This weekend was another perfect opportunity for him to do something with me....yet, once again, he chose to do different....and I know it's not me. It's him. The question is though...Do I want him?

I sit here shaking my head "no"....feeling those feelings I had pre-bomb when I was feeling alone, neglected, and shut out from his life.

I'm not sad about it though...just disappointed...and this all makes me believe even more that it will not be better.

When I spoke with H a few days ago, he told me that (mf) wants to start dating again, and he feels that he can't do that with H living there...so H said to me, "I may have to move in sooner...or you can just let me move into the garage."

I don't think so!

Over the last couple of months, I've gone out with some of my girlfriends to a few local hot spots, and I've been fortunate enough to receive some very nice attention from some men. Just mostly "hello"s and "how are you"s...but anyway, it was nice. The attention was really nice.

That's what I miss...I miss that feeling of being "interesting" to someone else...being sought after.

I know H gives me some attention, too, but I don't feel it's enough....and I'm sorry for saying this, but the attention I've received from others is much more appealing to me compared to what little I've had from H.

I know I can't control him and what he does or doesn't do, but like I said...he HAD another perfect opportunity to do something with me this weekend...and didn't.

Thanks for listening.