I think you're my emotional twin right now unfortunately Well, except I'm a farther gone than you, and H is still here. I definately hope that the meds make a huge diff in your H's moods and ability to cope. If he was a great guy before, then that might be enough to do the trick (as far as returning him to the H you know and love)! Unfortunately, my H's behavior patterns and the way he deals with problems is a big part of his depression, so.. the meds can lift his spirits but the basic issues are still there to work on, and he's not working on them!
I know that does not sound very good but at the moment he is not someone I want to be with, he is selfish, self centered and worries only about himself, he is so different to me. I live to make others happy, I enjoy doing it and I enjoyed being appreciated for it, but he shows no appreciation of me or love or affection so what is there to like. I don't know if he was always like this and I was living behind a blindfold or if he has become this way and I am seeing or realising it for the first time but I do know I do not really like who he is now so the less time with him the better or he will kill all my feelings for him. Gawd, I understand this too well. Big huggs to you KDU!! I've said it before and I'll say it again... it's OK for you to feel this way. You've been through a lot and it's time to take care of yourself first. The best you can do for him is to give him the space he needs to get better and sort things out. In the meantime, GAL GF and maybe H will come out of this and you'll be ready to fall in love again.
To all of you thanks for your lovely and kind words..Sometimes I wonder whether these boards help in reconciling or make us strong enough not to (LOL-that is a joke)
Anyhow Sheila I am glad you know what I mean it is nice when someone puts down the words you are thinking isn't it.
BB my love thanks as always you know just what to say, and just enough pat on the back so thanks to you. It's funny sometimes you don't say much but yet you have said alot, I am sure you know what I mean.
Kismet & Lisa thanks sisters and yes it is scary when you don't know if you like them anymore. Maybe they were like this before and we just didn't see it b/c we were so blinded by undisputed love for them, I don't know but that is scary to think about....
Last night H rang he had worked for us yesterday but had to travel to some of our country sites and left at 5am. He then went home to sleep so I didn't see him. This morning he was in the office when I got in as he is working again today but locally, I was flustered when I got to work this morning as I had slept in a little and by the time I got showered and ready and then showered S9, woke D16 and S17, done breakfast, made lunches and packed S9's cricket gear I was rather frazzled when I got to work.
H must have noticed this b/c he rang about an hour after being on the road to ask me if everything was alright b/c I didn't seem myself this morning. (Wow he actually noticed something that wasn't to do with him) I said to him that everything was fine that I was running a bit late (though I made it to work on time) and just had a lot to do before work and at work. He said O.K. he just wanted to check (probably paranoid he had done something). I have had so many things go wrong at work at the moment, nothing I have done just clients being difficult. I am feeling I have hit the snapdragon stage - Part of me has snapped....and the rest of me is draggin.....haha
Anyway H is to have S9 tonight and S9 is supposed to be playing cricket but at the moment it is bucketing down and showing no sign of easing up, so I would say cricket will be a wash out and therefore no game. H is also working all weekend so I won't see him this weekend, which is funny cause it really doesn't bother me.
I am not seeking him out at all as I don't really think to. When I was DBing to get him back, he entered my thoughts all the time and it was all i could do to keep my distance and not try and think of some ridiculous excuse to contact him. Funny how things change. Maybe it's the fact that before I had no choice in how things panned out and now I do I can cope better. Don't know it's something I am still trying to figure out.
Anyhow not much to update you all with. Christmas decorating this weekend and not a whole lot else, Jarrod may pop over Saturday night but I am not going out. I need to recharge my batteries, as I am too old to keep going out. I am 40 next year and they say life begins at 40 maybe I am warming up.....
Hope you all have a fantabulous weekend...love you all...
Hopefloats - I too am interested in if meds help my H but the doc said it could take 6 weeks.
Get a tree, live a little, anything to boost your outlook, I say go for it and if H can't help you get a friend to help. We have to do what we want to make ourselves happy and try not to overly worry about the WAS.
I didn't get to put mine up last night due to the fact that it was 33 degrees when I left work at 5.15pm last night and I went home got the kids and went to my friends for the kids to have a swim. We then had fish & chips for tea and didn't get home until 9pm, when S9 had to go to bed. So it will now be over the weekend. Tonight I am going to get it all out as the two older kids stay at my mums and S9 is at his dads. If I get it all out they can help tomorrow afternoon. I will do as much as I can around the house without doing the tree and on Saturday I will start putting up the lights etc......
Let me know if you decide to get a tree, I am interested now
You had mentioned in a recent post that you really do not know if your H is the type of person you wish to be with any longer. (He is selfish, self-centered, and worries only about himself)... I know that my STBX had fallen and let me down in so many ways as well. Yet deep inside, I wanted to believe that his wonderful qualities and characteristics were still there. Or, perhaps I was finally seeing the real him? My love for my STBX meant I may have seen him in an unrealistic light, and maybe he never was quite the "hero" I thought he was.... Is it possible that he completely changed from what he used to be? Perhaps this is what you are now experiencing with your H? The truth of the matter is that YOU are the one who is the catch... Your H should be chasing after you.
As far as my situation goes, it was worth asking myself during this period of growth whether the one I wanted back in my life is really the person for me anymore. I remember thinking: "I would not take him back as he currently is"... But, to love unconditionally is to accept him for how he is and have no expectations that he will change for the better to suit me or anyone else. So, perhaps you need to ask yourself: "Is this what I want?"... It seems you are now seeing your H, yourself, and the two of you in a more realistic light. And, now that this has happened, you are able to come to the understanding that it is still within your ability to live a happy and productive life with or without him.
One of the things you can ask yourself is: "Did I do everything I could possibly do to save my marriage?'... At this point, I think you have. If my STBX had woken up one day and asked me to work on our marriage--- I know at one time, I think I would have done everything possible to give it another try. Otherwise, I would obsess for the rest of my life and wonder: "what if??"... Perhaps there is a part of you that believes your H does not deserve another chance, but that is all a part of unconditional love. (Even though he may not have always shown it to you).
KDU, it may be a good idea to take some time and think about the relationship you had with your H prior to his affair and moving out of your house. Ask yourself... Was he a good H prior to this? Was he a good and honorable man who became doubtful with himself, his marriage, and his life? It may even be that his recent behavior is completely out of character for him. If, on the other hand, things were never that good, and you ignored numerous "red flags" and made excuses for his behavior earlier in the marriage.... Well, that just might be an entirely different story. Ask yourself another question: Have you been covering for your H's weaknesses throughout your M? Because if that is the case, the idea of him changing to become who and what you need & deserve would be less likely to happen anytime soon.
Kim, you have SO much to be proud of with the woman you have become. You are so strong! I know that no matter what happens with your H that you will be just fine. Your future is so bright!... Hang in there....
Thinking of you, -OC Kim
OC thanks for dropping by and I know what you are saying as that is what I am trying to work out at the moment.
Was he a good and honorable man who became doubtful with himself, his marriage, and his life?
I believe he was all of that up until he found out some devastating news to do with his family, it was not long after this all came to light that he started his affair. I would have to say over the past 3 years I had found him to become selfish and self centered but at the time I didn't know about the affair and sort of put it down to other things. Now that I know he was having his A for 3 years I think it was b/c he resented having to answer to me and not being able to find much time to get out and see OW. He even admits to that now.
and you ignored numerous "red flags" and made excuses for his behavior earlier in the marriage..
As I said above I don't think i ignored red flags earlier, everyone loved my H, everyone thought he was a really sweet guy who would do anything for anyone so no I think I can safely say it has only been over the last few years.
Thanks OC for making me think of those things and some of them I am still trying to work out hence why I have detached alot and just waiting to see what happens. When I am sure of myself I will make the necessary decision. If I can have my old H back then we have a chance but if he has changed for good and is going to stay like that then I know it will not be me that can cope with that and it will be time for us both to move on.
Time will tell I guess but if I was really honest I think I am closer to ending it than I am to fixing it, but again I am reserving my judgement as I am not quite ready to pull the pin just yet, that way when I am I will know I did everything I could and I gave him plenty of time. When this reaches Feb next year which will be 12mths since he walked out I would hope to have come to a decision.....
Again thanks so much for making me think and voice this part of my R as it does help us to keep focused and you are good at pointing that stuff out. Have a great weekend....Kim
OCKim asked some great questions and your answers show lots of thought. Hopefully the AD's can help your H out. Maybe he can come out of his depression and become the man you knew once again. Worth waiting the 6 weeks or more to see if that happens. You don't want any "what if's" hanging over your head. And, BTW, I think life does get better at 40. I'm 41 now and feel better about myself than I have in a long time, maybe ever. And we are in our sexual prime. Too bad I'm not getting any...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Hey Beth is that right about the sexual prime b/c I always thought it was a woman reached her sexual prime at 30 and a male at 18 (That is why a lot of younger men like older woman).Hey I may have had it wrong I hope so b/c it gives me something to look forward to but if I am not with H I will have to find someone to indulge my prime next year....hehehe....That is sounding like the real you that I love......Kim
Hey Kim, looks like OC Kim gave you a lot to think about. Is Feb when you have given yourself? or is that when you just think you will know? H has shown a lot more signs of humanity (and less alieness), well to me in reading your posts of late.
And we are in our sexual prime. Too bad I'm not getting any... sigh ~ ditto Beth.
No Kim IMHO its 40~ and what can I say but my timing sucks!
Well this all explains why the young ones are attracted to me...I must be excreting sexual deprivation...that's it!! I'm 42...and I can honestly vouch for the sexual prime...mine started when I met Dave when I was 37...so perhaps a bit late in the game.
KDU you got some wonderful insight there...and I think I did too since we really are in the same boat now. I sit back and I wonder if my therapist was right when she said that one day I would outgrow him. A friend tonight said I had...I had outgrown him a long time ago and didn't realize it. But he had. He even told me when we had our talk that he thought I was miserable. Maybe I was. It's hard for me to see it now since I started DBing, I keep looking at the good in him, the love in him. When I detach I find it now easier to see perhaps the unhappiness, the frustration and perhaps yes even some misery. It was tough...watching him go down hill and trying to help him back up and not being able to. He went through something similar to your H. Why do catastrophes/traumatic events do this to some people? You have to wonder what it is that they are lacking (not necessarily the right word) to cause them to be unable to deal with difficult situations and to make them try to escape.
Think OCKim provided with a lot of insightful questions to ask ourselves, our R with our H prior to the A etc. And think this helps in our decision-making process? Sorry that I am sounding soooo out-of-whack..so, better not bring any negative vibes to your thread...*sigh*
Well, except I'm a farther gone than you, and H is still here. I definately hope that the meds make a huge diff in your H's moods and ability to cope. If he was a great guy before, then that might be enough to do the trick (as far as returning him to the H you know and love)! Unfortunately, my H's behavior patterns and the way he deals with problems is a big part of his depression, so.. the meds can lift his spirits but the basic issues are still there to work on, and he's not working on them! 
