You had mentioned in a recent post that you really do not know if your H is the type of person you wish to be with any longer. (He is selfish, self-centered, and worries only about himself)... I know that my STBX had fallen and let me down in so many ways as well. Yet deep inside, I wanted to believe that his wonderful qualities and characteristics were still there. Or, perhaps I was finally seeing the real him? My love for my STBX meant I may have seen him in an unrealistic light, and maybe he never was quite the "hero" I thought he was.... Is it possible that he completely changed from what he used to be? Perhaps this is what you are now experiencing with your H? The truth of the matter is that YOU are the one who is the catch... Your H should be chasing after you.
As far as my situation goes, it was worth asking myself during this period of growth whether the one I wanted back in my life is really the person for me anymore. I remember thinking: "I would not take him back as he currently is"... But, to love unconditionally is to accept him for how he is and have no expectations that he will change for the better to suit me or anyone else. So, perhaps you need to ask yourself: "Is this what I want?"... It seems you are now seeing your H, yourself, and the two of you in a more realistic light. And, now that this has happened, you are able to come to the understanding that it is still within your ability to live a happy and productive life with or without him.
One of the things you can ask yourself is: "Did I do everything I could possibly do to save my marriage?'... At this point, I think you have. If my STBX had woken up one day and asked me to work on our marriage--- I know at one time, I think I would have done everything possible to give it another try. Otherwise, I would obsess for the rest of my life and wonder: "what if??"... Perhaps there is a part of you that believes your H does not deserve another chance, but that is all a part of unconditional love. (Even though he may not have always shown it to you).
KDU, it may be a good idea to take some time and think about the relationship you had with your H prior to his affair and moving out of your house. Ask yourself... Was he a good H prior to this? Was he a good and honorable man who became doubtful with himself, his marriage, and his life? It may even be that his recent behavior is completely out of character for him. If, on the other hand, things were never that good, and you ignored numerous "red flags" and made excuses for his behavior earlier in the marriage.... Well, that just might be an entirely different story. Ask yourself another question: Have you been covering for your H's weaknesses throughout your M? Because if that is the case, the idea of him changing to become who and what you need & deserve would be less likely to happen anytime soon.
Kim, you have SO much to be proud of with the woman you have become. You are so strong! I know that no matter what happens with your H that you will be just fine. Your future is so bright!... Hang in there....
Thinking of you, -OC Kim
