Hi all and thank you for stopping by....

BB
If you get all detached and H gets desperate to win you back, you know where to send him! We'll get him all DB'ed up.

I wish it were that easy, I really do!!!!!

Beth
Not getting caught up in H's drama! Going slow and taking advantage of time! Keep it up WW!

Thanks Beth and I intend to keep it up, H's drama's are his to deal with after 9 months it's time to "build a bridge" (and get over it)

Kismet
I hope that you get something concrete from H's dr's appointment.

Yes I will fill you in on that in a moment when I update.

Yoyo
I think if we "lose" ourselves to accommodate our H, the M will revert back to the "trouble" stages? Don't know if I am making sense. Maybe I should just shut up...since I have been so yoyo-ing...

Never say you should shut up Yoyo, O.K. so your sitch might not be ideal but it doesn't mean you can't see someone else's sitch through different eyes. It's always harder when we are living it. For the record I agree with you 100%.

Kdk
and yet for me I question myself "Am I really in love with my H?" It seems that I was working on myself to please H b/c of all the "bad" that I've done in my M. Now that I've grown and learned a lot about myself and become a stronger woman I don't see H in the same light. I've changed for the better but he hasn't

I do know what you mean by this comment. I will add one thing to that though I have realised I wasn't to blame for as much as H thought and I have now pointed that out to him. I still took the blame for things I did wrong but not things he had twisted in his head and blamed me for. I too have become a stronger woman - alone and I really do not know if H is the type of person I wish to be with any longer so I am standing back and working that out at the moment...

Now for an update.....

I took H to the Doc's on Tuesday night and we went over everything with the Doctor that has happened over the past 3 years or so....His family's revelations about his Dad, his affair beginning just after that, him leaving in Feb and all the goings on since Feb, like back and forwards, blah blah blah......Then we explained that H was feeling very much like he just wanted to lock himself away and just go to work to survive and then go home and lock himself away from everyone till he had to go to work next. That he was always tired and very edgy. The Doc agreed that it was signs of depression so put him on some Anti-Depressants and said he would review him in 6 weeks or thereabouts as it often takes that long for them to kick in and start working. He also said to H that if things were not alot better around that time that he would recommend a psychiatrist as it was a lot he was trying to deal with.

When we left the doc's H said to me oh well looks like you are going to have to have more patience to see what happens to us if these meds are going to take around 6 weeks to work. I just said "Mmmm I guess 6 weeks isn't much difference to 4 and we are talking about our future so we will see further down the track."

H then basically dropped me home gave me a kiss goodbye as he was tired and needed to get home. I said that was fine as I was having an early night anyhow and that I was busy with Volleyball the next night so I would catch him later in the week.

H then rang yesterday at work just to say hi and for no other reason so we chatted about not much and then said our goodbyes.

It's funny b/c I really am not missing spending time with him. Like I have said before it is so much easier to detach when they are not in your face or around you very much. Not that I should overly be detaching but I am happy to keep my distance at the moment and see if the meds make a difference, that way if they don't I will be half way there and it will be easier to end our R once and for all.

I know that does not sound very good but at the moment he is not someone I want to be with, he is selfish, self centered and worries only about himself, he is so different to me. I live to make others happy, I enjoy doing it and I enjoyed being appreciated for it, but he shows no appreciation of me or love or affection so what is there to like. I don't know if he was always like this and I was living behind a blindfold or if he has become this way and I am seeing or realising it for the first time but I do know I do not really like who he is now so the less time with him the better or he will kill all my feelings for him.

I am in such a limbo as I am not prepared to close the door completely yet but boy am I close. Personally at the moment I can't see us working and that would be my choice but I am prepared to see this through and see if these meds relax him a little if so well I will keep going but if not then it's a matter of time.

On a lighter note I am going to get out the Christmas decorations tonight and put the tree up being the 1st December and then this weekend we can all decorate the outside of the house. I love it b/c every year we discover the item I bought at the after Christmas sales when it was 50% off so it's like having a new thing each Christmas but it sits in the shed for nearly a year b4 it is used. LOL.

Anyhow I love setting up the lights outside and my moving ornament and Candy canes etc.....we are not as big as the Griswalds yet but hey another couple of years...no it is still tasteful and not overdone but it does make you feel good when everything is on and you drive in the drive at night. (The part I hate the most is when there is a globe blown and it takes a whole day to get it all out and up just for 25days but its worth it)

O.K. that's me done for now can't see I will have a whole lot more to say over the next couple of days, just plodding along but if I do you will all be the first to hear about it....I am waiting at the moment for one of my best friends (I have 2 best pals) to go into labour b/c she has asked me to be a birthing partner with her H, so I am looking forward to that...I think .....anyhow I can't make lots of plans at the moment as she is due next Wednesday and this is her 5th child and all the other's she has been about a week early so it could be any day.......till later....KDU

"FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT!!"(quote:Anna)