If the doc says he is not depressed then it may be time for me to take a good look at him and see if he is still the person I want to be with. KDU, your H sounds as if he might be suffering from depression. Just what he said sounds like what my H has said about his depression and their actions defy reality!
I don't know if I am expected too much from him or not but I do know what I now want from a partner and I am not prepared to put what I want in the background, compromise is one thing but to squash my needs totally will not serve me any good. I think I still love H, but I am now wondering if I am in love with him anymore....(Sounds like the WAS)... You have done so well DBing KDU. I'm not sure if I've ever replied on your thread or not, but you've been someone who's inspired me when I wanted to quit. One of the things that impresses me about you is that you've been patient with your H, but taken care of yourself too along the way and become stronger.
You are totally right about not squashing your needs! Stick with that frame of mind I think it's OK if you dont feel "in love" with your H at the moment. How can we have romantic feelings and be crazy about them when they're acting like such jerks? Remaining loving and supportive is difficult in these sitchs and it might just be the best we can do. The intimacy and closeness we've lost can be re-built when there's a stable R and person that makes us feel safe enough to do that with.
When H was first diagnosed with dep, I felt great relief. The meds worked and things were getting better. What I hadn't counted on though is that H's way of dealing with probs and his behavior is a major contributor to his dep and those things are very hard to change. I guess I'm telling you this to say be careful, and maintain what you've gained for yourself whatever the Dr. says about your H. Not to lack compassion, but because diagnosis doesnt always lead to a willingness or ability to change and get better and it's SO easy to get dragged into that dark place with a dep S and think the cure that will bring our H back is just around the corner. Whatever must be done, they have to do themselves and the best we can do is be supportive and understanding.
Kim, you do sound tired with the whole thing, and it is totally understandable. Hopefully the weekend and space away from WAH will give you a chance to recharge those batteries.
You have worked so hard to get to this point sweetie and you are doing such an amazing job right now. I know how draining this must be. This reconciliation phase wont last forever...things are improving and you are getting many positive steps from H. If you feel really exhausted and need a break, then take one. But don't backslide, sweetie. You've worked too hard for this. H will be better able to meet your needs one of these days. Right now he is on his way. He has ended the A (HUGE!!!), he is trying very hard to understand being trustworthy and communicating to you regarding OW, he is telling you he wants to make this work and is willing to do the effort, he is not defending what he's done...all this is huge, Kim! Be strong, baby girl. This won't last forever and you have worked way to hard to get here. Dig deep. And love yourself. And come here to vent your frustrations. And of course, for validation...that makes such a difference in how we feel doesn't it? To have someone that can love and understand and appreciate us. We love you Kim, we appreciate just how much you are doing...it's amazing to hear about Kim. Your fortitude is inspirational. I'm so very proud of you. Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.
Hi KDU I have been reading some of your posts and so thought I would have a look at your sitch again as I looked a while back and WOW it seems DBing is working for you even if you still have lots to fix, look how far you have come, I am so happy for you and hopeful for the rest of us!!! I definately will keep reading
KDU - I don't have any personal experience on ADs but someone told me that it generally takes a month for them to start working their magic and that many people get frustrated when they do not see immediate results. I do hope that H will stick to it and give them a chance. I already know you have the patience of a saint so I won't worry about you being patient for him, just help him through this month and reassure him as much as you can. But once he levels out from what I have seen/heard of others, he will be a new person.
I've been following along with your deal. Unfortunately, I really don't have much to offer other than dammit if you don't have a hell of a lot of resolve!! I don't know how you do it. Just promise to keep showing us the way...
All of you thankyou for all your wonderful words they have helped pick me up a bit and having a bit of a break from H at the weekend...
Piglet - Yes yes yes, you really do seem to understand how I feel at the moment so thank you it really helps when someone knows how you feel.
Kismet - Yes I have been totally overawed and exhausted by the whole thing, hopefully I have the strength to keep going.
SH - Wonderful wonderful words as always, that really did make me feel a bit special so thankyou and gives me a little more reason to keep going. You always know just what to say.
Ruth - Thank you for dropping by and your kind words, feel free to speak up whenever you like.
Lisa - Thanks and don't ever feel like you have nothing to say just dropping by always shows support.
DF - Well hello stranger, I have noticed you on a few of the other's threads as I have been reading through maybe this is our beloved DMF coming back. I know you dont post alot on threads lately but just b/c you are a little disallusioned with your own sitch doesn't mean you don't have something special to add to others. Your sense of humour for one is worth sharing....so think about that, you are a worthy wonderful person and your input on the boards is sadly missed, but I thankyou for dropping by I have missed you...
Now for an update....
Friday night I finished work and went to watch S9 play cricket for awhile and then went home and quickly got ready to go out for dinner with a gf. We had a good night and I got home about 3am (yes another late one). Anyhow woke up Saturday really late for me at 11am.
Went and had a shower and then H showed up so we had a coffee and then went and sussed out some washing machines. (Long story which I will tell you one day but don't by the brand "Centrex"). He dropped me home about 2.30 and I did a little housework, then had a nap for an hour and then my friend Jarrod rang and asked what time I wanted to go out for tea so we arranged it for 7pm. I then did some running around, some more cleaning and had a shower and got ready. We then went to the pub and one of our Aussie Swim Stars was there - "Michael Klim" as he is from Melbourne he was doing a Commonwealth Games promotion so I got his autograph for each of my kids.
Jarrod and I went on to have a pleasant evening, we had a nice dinner a few drinks, a few games of pool and great conversation. I got home about midnight which is a much better time.
Sunday awoke about 9.30am had a shower and got myself organised as it was my mum's birthday. Went to the shops and then picked up a bottle of "Yellowglen" Champagne and went to Mum's for lunch. We had 3 courses which went from 12.30 until 6.30pm. We were all bloated and needless to say didn't need any tea.
I was supposed to go to H's for a coffee Sunday night but when I got home I just couldn't be bothered and wanted to have an early night so I sent him a text saying I was tired and would ring him soon. I rang him and explained I just couldn't be bothered as I was too tired, he was O.K. about that and we said we would speak tomorrow.
That is about it, I had a really good weekend with a little H contact but nothing in depth which I think was good. I managed to have a fair amount of me time this weekend which I think I needed so we will see how this week goes. Again I wanted to say thankyou to all you wonderful people who keep supporting me, I couldn't do this without each and every one of you so thanks again.
Kim ~ all that "me" time seems to have done the trick, and given you the energy to keep riding the rollercoaster for a little bit longer.
I really like how you told H that you couldn't make it for coffee. You need to make sure that you look after yourself and get your rest (esp. with those late nights or early mornings )
Michael Klim ~ Mmmm. Wouldn't have minded meeting him
OOOH KDU turned down H for coffee...wow now if that isn't DBing 101 at its finest!! Lesson to be learned for all of us there...I don't think I would have the courage if Dave asked me out...sheesh I'd be faling all over myself. You truly are wearing your Wonder Woman cap rightfully these days.
I definitely agree the "me" time has recharged our Aussie friend...good for you!!
Thanks Kismet and Lisa I was quite proud of myself too b/c a month or so ago I would have gone no matter how tired I was but that was before I decided to watch out for myself.
I spoke to H yesterday on the phone b/c I texted him to tell him doctor's appointment was 7.20 tonight. He then rang me to say hi and say that the time for the Doc's was fine. Anyhow I said I had to get going and would see him tomorrow night as I was really still tired from the weekend and was going to have an early night.
Then H turned up at my work when he had finished his shift at the hospital, with a few of S9's things (that really could have waited until tonight) we chatted for about 10mins and he said what was I up to tonight and I replied like I said I am having an early one. H then said could I ring him around 9 (he doesn't have a phone in the van exept a mobile and never has credit as it is a pre-paid) I said yes and that was that.
I rang H about 9pm said hello asked what he had been doing which wasn't much spoke for about 3-4 mins and then I said I was going as I was going to go to sleep. Which I did about 15min later, still tired today though. Just not as young as I used to be.
Anyhow H is coming over around 6pm tonight for tea and then we will both go to the Doc's so we will see what he says. Will give you all an update tomorrow as not much happening at the moment.
I am really starting to detach I think so this is very interesting at the moment and I have no idea where it is going to lead me but i am up for it no matter which way it goes. Time will tell and I have had heaps of that haven't I......KDU
I think it's OK if you dont feel "in love" with your H at the moment. How can we have romantic feelings and be crazy about them when they're acting like such jerks? Remaining loving and supportive is difficult in these sitchs and it might just be the best we can do. The intimacy and closeness we've lost can be re-built when there's a stable R and person that makes us feel safe enough to do that with. 
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