There seems to be a book out there for every sort of situation these days....I hope the book for the OP says something like "Wake up to yourself and look at the type of person you are when you want to be involved with a married person".....sigh.....
Thanks all for your encouragement, I really need it at the moment. This recovery period is alot harder than anything else I tell you. I have got alot stronger within myself through DBing and I am just not prepared to put my wants and needs to the background anymore so it makes it very hard to abide by the DB rules as I feel it is a kind of contradiction. If I just take and do everything H's way then I am going against what I want so I need to find some sort of balance.
He runs so hot and cold, it was him that convinced me to give our R another go and that he would put in 100% and one of my responses was "You have said stuff similair before and then changed your mind a few weeks down the track and gone back to not being sure of what your want and I don't want that to happen again, if I was to give us another go and it didn't work then we would both have to accept that for good and not do this back and forth crap over and over as it helps nobody" H said back then that he was very sure of what he wanted and that he wouldn't say that in a few weeks...
Well now he seems confused again and swears OW is not in the picture but he seems so uninterested and just wants to be on his own and often says he has alot of times where he just wants to crawl into a hole away from the whole world. This I believe is him showing signs that he is very depressed so we have spoken and he is going with me to the doctor's on the weekend to explore this possibility. Should it prove to be true then I will wait until his meds can kick in before I evaluate our R again. Maybe he cannot help it at the moment, I don't know.
If the doc says he is not depressed then it may be time for me to take a good look at him and see if he is still the person I want to be with. Maybe he had changed too much or maybe I have, I feel in a real limbo at the moment. I don't know if I am expected too much from him or not but I do know what I now want from a partner and I am not prepared to put what I want in the background, compromise is one thing but to squash my needs totally will not serve me any good. I think I still love H, but I am now wondering if I am in love with him anymore....(Sounds like the WAS)....
Anyhow that is how I am feeling at the moment, we shall see what comes of the weekend and what the Doc says....
Oh and the other night I bumped into a Lady from H's work, she works in Medical Records at the Hospital and she asked how I was and how the kids were and how I was coping. I told her not bad and that Tony and I were trying to reconcile at the moment but that only time would tell. She then went on to say how happy she was that he had finally woke up to himself and that her and many other's from the hospital had been telling him constantly to go back home to his family b/c OW would never ever look after him like I did and that she just wasn't the type of woman Tony should be with. Apparently they all don't like her very much b/c she makes alot of trouble at work and it's not the first time she has had an affair and they feel she is not the full quid and very very tarty.
She said OW and the other girls that work in the kitchen were a breed unto themselves and none of the other woman in the hospital really had much to do with them b/c they cause too much trouble. I found all this very interesting but didn't give anything else away on my side b/c who knows how much of gossip you believe. She is a nice lady who is about 55 - 60 and she is one of the ones that have known me since Tony started there 12yrs ago...
Anyhow as I said it was interesting but I am not taking too much of it to heart and am not telling H about the convo b/c it will not serve any purpose.
Oh well until I have more to say, I will try to keep my PMA up and will post more soon.....KDU
