Quote: I don't know if there is a board for WAS to vent or get ideas on how to reconnect with a LBS .
LOL!! I love this...I was at the book store the other day and ACTUALLY saw a freaking book for the OW...something about will he leave her for me...I just about died...can you imagine a book for the ow??? What is this freaking world coming to?????
Personally, going off topic here a bit and totally hijacking (sorry honey)...I would like to see Michelle write an indepth book on infidelity when the spouse moves in with ow...this just isn't covered anywhere indepth...great coverage on what to do with infidelity when the spouse stays in the house, or when they come home...but when they WA...it's a different beast all together.
Okay back to your thread, sorry about that...love you babe!!
ACTUALLY saw a freaking book for the OW...something about will he leave her for me...I just about died...can you imagine a book for the ow??? What is this freaking world coming to?????
Hopefully, there's some wisdom in the book for the OW to chew on.
I would like to see Michelle write an indepth book on infidelity when the spouse moves in with ow...this just isn't covered anywhere indepth
The tenets are the same.
There's a book titled "How To Get Your Lover Back" by Blase Harris. He had his ex move in with an OM. What he spells out to do is essentially the same thing as DBing: GAL, be loving but detached, work on the part you played.
Quote: can you imagine a book for the ow??? What is this freaking world coming to?????
Maybe this book says something like, "Hell no. Pull your head out and get a life. Stop going after married men and start acting with integrity."
My H googled an article by an online men's advice columnist; the letter was written by a man who'd been "dating" a married woman for 8 years. He couldn't figure out why she wasn't leaving her husband and asked if she ever would. The columnist's answer started off with, "Do you live near a glue factory? Have you been inhaling the fumes? No, she's not going to leave him," and went on from there. This man is my new hero.
My H googled an article by an online men's advice columnist; the letter was written by a man who'd been "dating" a married woman for 8 years. He couldn't figure out why she wasn't leaving her husband and asked if she ever would. The columnist's answer started off with, "Do you live near a glue factory? Have you been inhaling the fumes? No, she's not going to leave him," and went on from there. This man is my new hero.
Mine too...where are some people's brains...oh never mind!!
There seems to be a book out there for every sort of situation these days....I hope the book for the OP says something like "Wake up to yourself and look at the type of person you are when you want to be involved with a married person".....sigh.....
Thanks all for your encouragement, I really need it at the moment. This recovery period is alot harder than anything else I tell you. I have got alot stronger within myself through DBing and I am just not prepared to put my wants and needs to the background anymore so it makes it very hard to abide by the DB rules as I feel it is a kind of contradiction. If I just take and do everything H's way then I am going against what I want so I need to find some sort of balance.
He runs so hot and cold, it was him that convinced me to give our R another go and that he would put in 100% and one of my responses was "You have said stuff similair before and then changed your mind a few weeks down the track and gone back to not being sure of what your want and I don't want that to happen again, if I was to give us another go and it didn't work then we would both have to accept that for good and not do this back and forth crap over and over as it helps nobody" H said back then that he was very sure of what he wanted and that he wouldn't say that in a few weeks...
Well now he seems confused again and swears OW is not in the picture but he seems so uninterested and just wants to be on his own and often says he has alot of times where he just wants to crawl into a hole away from the whole world. This I believe is him showing signs that he is very depressed so we have spoken and he is going with me to the doctor's on the weekend to explore this possibility. Should it prove to be true then I will wait until his meds can kick in before I evaluate our R again. Maybe he cannot help it at the moment, I don't know.
If the doc says he is not depressed then it may be time for me to take a good look at him and see if he is still the person I want to be with. Maybe he had changed too much or maybe I have, I feel in a real limbo at the moment. I don't know if I am expected too much from him or not but I do know what I now want from a partner and I am not prepared to put what I want in the background, compromise is one thing but to squash my needs totally will not serve me any good. I think I still love H, but I am now wondering if I am in love with him anymore....(Sounds like the WAS)....
Anyhow that is how I am feeling at the moment, we shall see what comes of the weekend and what the Doc says....
Oh and the other night I bumped into a Lady from H's work, she works in Medical Records at the Hospital and she asked how I was and how the kids were and how I was coping. I told her not bad and that Tony and I were trying to reconcile at the moment but that only time would tell. She then went on to say how happy she was that he had finally woke up to himself and that her and many other's from the hospital had been telling him constantly to go back home to his family b/c OW would never ever look after him like I did and that she just wasn't the type of woman Tony should be with. Apparently they all don't like her very much b/c she makes alot of trouble at work and it's not the first time she has had an affair and they feel she is not the full quid and very very tarty.
She said OW and the other girls that work in the kitchen were a breed unto themselves and none of the other woman in the hospital really had much to do with them b/c they cause too much trouble. I found all this very interesting but didn't give anything else away on my side b/c who knows how much of gossip you believe. She is a nice lady who is about 55 - 60 and she is one of the ones that have known me since Tony started there 12yrs ago...
Anyhow as I said it was interesting but I am not taking too much of it to heart and am not telling H about the convo b/c it will not serve any purpose.
Oh well until I have more to say, I will try to keep my PMA up and will post more soon.....KDU
If I just take and do everything H's way then I am going against what I want so I need to find some sort of balance.
Absolutely.
Maybe he cannot help it at the moment, I don't know.
It seems a pretty safe guess he's suffering from at least some level of depression. If he gets the proper meds and he sticks with them it could make a world of difference.
And what the lady at work said makes it easier to believe he's depressed and got a little endorphin kick from the attention of a tarty woman at work.
Kim you've put a lot of work into this. Don't give up now, okay? No one can blame you if you don't have much to give right now; you've been pouring it out for a long time. But let me give you the advice still_hopeful gave me once: do no harm. Give yourself a little time where even if you don't have energy to put into your R, you don't work against your R, either. You're still pleasant, you still validate some, you just don't knock yourself out for awhile. Then see where you are after that.
Good luck!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
BB did give some wonderful advice. Think of all the hard work you have put into getting your R back...of course it is slow going but it will be all worth it when it is completley healed. I think it is wonderful that he is going to the Dr. Big steps there for him to grasp that he needs the assistance.
When we give and give and give and we feel like we get nothing in return but crumbs sometimes, it is understandable the pain, hurt and frustration...but honey you are soo close...please don't give up and fully detach. Please. I think H really needs your strength right now more than ever. He knows how strong you are and I am sure he is depending on you to help pull him through this and he's doing the best he can right now. Today...tomorrow will be a different day honey.
Kim, I want to echo what BB and others have said. You're doing so well and you've come so far. I love the "do no harm" message. Time and patience are still your friends. Be well.
Thanks guys I think I really needed to hear what you said BB, you always manage to keep me focused when I start to have a slump so thankyou for that.
I am also glad that people can validate me and my feelings on this board as H doesn't do it nearly enough. You are all right though if he is prepared to see the doc I guess I must go that route and see what happens a few weeks after that. BB is right I will not close the door and I will do nothing to harm the R but maybe give it a bit of space so as to ease my feelings for awhile.
H and I went out for a drink last night but it was very much like 2 people as friends and not overly good ones at that. We had a bit of a R discussion which did not produce the greatest of results from H just more of his head still being in the fog...sigh....I left this alone and didn't really argue.
Today he has come into work to see me and doesn't remember much of what was said last night, think all the working and a few drinks went to his head. Anyhow we chatted for a bit and we are just going to see whether the meds help clear his head a bit so it is still a waiting game.
He is taking S9 tonight to cricket and having him stay over, he is then dropping him at my mums for X-mas decorating and H and I are going to the gym and then he is going to help me put up some outdoor dec's on the roof. He is then having S9 Saturday night.
I am going out with a girlfriend tonight for dinner and Saturday night Jarrod is coming to visit and Sunday is Mums birthday so we are doing lunch. So a busy weekend which is great. All of you have a fabulous weekend as I am sure I will....KDU
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