Well Friday night I ended up getting dragged out by a couple of friends and we didn't end up getting home until 5.45am . It was a good night and I enjoyed myself but I am way too old to be out until that time. I awoke at 10am and then did some shopping and pottered around the house and was in bed Saturday night at 9.30pm. Sunday I did my housework and got ready for the week ahead. So other than Friday night a pretty uneventful weekend. (Although I think it took the whole weekend to recover from Friday night as in lack of sleep)....
H worked all weekend and I didn't contact him once as I figured he would contact me when he was wanting to. So Monday about lunchtime he rang me at work to say hi and to say how he had no time on the weekend to ring as he only got 15mins break the whole day and he started at 9.30am and finished at 1.00am so by the time he got home it was too late.
I said that was fine and that I understood. He sounded very very tired. He said he was just going to laze around for the day and have an early night to try and get some energy back. He then said he would work for us today and that he would visit me tonight.
I was fine with that. I have reached the conclusion at the moment that I am a bit numb about our R. I haven't really been feeling that he is trying very hard, we only see each other twice or three times a week and as for quality time well that is maybe once a week. We haven't even had sex for 2-3weeks. That is not the sign of someone who is wanting to work things out I don't think. It certainly makes me wonder if he is getting it from somewhere else but I don't know that so I can't dwell on it.
All these feelings I wonder if it will ever work out. I wonder if I am expecting too much from him that maybe he just can't give. There is taking things slowly and there is the ridiculous and I am beginning to feel this is the ridiculous. I will hang in there for a bit longer but if he doesn't make an improvement I really cannot see a future for us.
I want to be with someone who likes to spend time with me, whether that be watching t.v., doing things together around the home, movies or dinner, I don't really care but I just feel like we are 2 seperate people going our own seperate ways. I don't know we will wait and see but I am getting so tired of it all.....Anyhow hopefully after tonight I will feel a bit better by tomorrow.......KDU
Quote: we only see each other twice or three times a week and as for quality time well that is maybe once a week.
KDU, that's actually a good thing!!!! When my H had an awakening, he wanted to see me everyday and I thought that wasn't healthy. I even hid somewhere in the street until he left the house Turned out, my H overwhelmed himself... He told me he started having doubts again because it was too much, too soon. I then explained to him that HE was the one initiating the contact; I was actually avoiding it.
There is a part of DR that talks about it: that when your H has an awakening, things should restart slow (it's after the last resort technique).
So I think it is important to set the pace, start dating each other again and not expect phone calls and too much contact. Actually, it would be EVEN better if you weren't there to pick up the phone calls because you were busy with something more interesting or not accept a date because you already have plans.
Maybe what you need is to gain more control. It seems like he is the one setting the pace.
Hey KIM, you party girl you.Dragging yourself home when some us get up
I can imagine that you would be tired of the status quo in your situation. It does seem to take a lot of work emotionally esp. if you're not even getting regular nookie I guess you will keep on keeping on though like the energiser bunny.
Hee hee hee...you did it girl...you bad party girl you...you stayed out til the cows came home...LOL!! So jealous...
Honey I think it's fine to take things slow...I know that while I would love to have Dave home immediately, in my heart of hearts, I know we still have work to be done and would need to do the dating thing and take it slow. It was 6mos before we moved in together the first go around...you have become different people but still have the bond of love...just take it slow...
Lisa, Kismet and Caverna thanks for dropping by. I know you are right and I wanted things to go slow too. I am by no means interested in him moving back in, I guess it's just I wish he would show a bit more interest make me feel important to him. Is that my own neediness, I don't know.
Caverna thanks for dropping by and best I pick up the DB Bible again I think....
I wonder...how do you know when it's ready to try it again? When they start spending more and more time at the house so that it becomes just natural...or do you just state "It's time to come home to your family?" Just wondering because I had kinda thought (okay assumed) that if he left ow's he was coming home, I was taken for a loop when I heard he was trying to stay somewhere else.
I guess I can join you in the I'm too old for this night out thing - was out til 5 am Sunday morning. Had one heck of a hangover Sunday. Can't do that again soon. Way too old!
Regarding your H, you both need to move at a pace that works overall for you both. Your going to have to adjust to one another again and become friends again. Think right now about rekindling the friendship. The rest of it will follow after that. You are starting over. Rome wasn't built in a day. This will take a while and have lots of ups and downs. Just don't quit before things have a chance to get going. You've waited this long. What's a little more time at this point?
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
You are doing so very very well. I know that where you are now is really the challenging part. Your transitioning from ultimate DB tactics to letting him back in, true communication about your feelings and detaching some. It's hard to balance going at his pace, keeping some of those thoughts and emotions to yourself and to opening up with him. To go from zero expectations to having some expectations of what he does to make it work. It's a real balancing act and you are really doing an incredible job. I am so proud of you! I know you are wondering if this is worth it, if this effort is going to lead to the R you desire. That you are afraid that he'll disappoint you. Really, Kim, your H is moving along well. It seems like a long time, but stop thinking about this in a time line based upon when the bomb dropped. Start thinking about this with a new time line as to when you guys have really started to try to work it out. It's really just started. Be patient. I know 9 months feels like a long, long time. But it isn't. And in one year, things between you and H maybe will have progressed tremendously. And that is not too far off and it is worth having the man you love, the R you desire, the father of your kids in your family. Hang in there. So far, I can only see positives from your H. Be patient. You are doing so very well. Don't get worn down. Keep taking care of you. I'm proud of you Kim. You are a very strong and amazing woman and your H is so lucky to have you, and he knows that.
SH pretty much said it all and far more elegantly than I could have. You are coming out of crisis mode so your emotions are sure to be raw (well of course they are, think about what you've been through). Don't rush it because really, neither one of you are quite there yet. He's enjoying some freedom now-living on his own without the daily grind of sharing physical space with someone. It may very well have been the main thing he needed. Also, don't be so quick to fall into a daily routine. This is your (both of you) time to add some romance. Plan a real picnic for just the two of you or do something together you've never done before. If you guys are doing the same thing you did before the break then you're more likely to fall back into old patterns. I don't think I expressed myself very clearly. I hope you got the gist.
but I just feel like we are 2 seperate people going our own seperate ways
Kim, I have felt like that also. But from what I've read from your responses from others maybe this is to be expected. I really don't know what I expected. I probably would have doubts if H was shadowing me and showing me all this attention and I would probably be asking myself "Okay, why is he acting this way. Something must be up or he's acting guilty for some reason."
I guess we just need to let our H's work at their on pace. I'm sure this is difficult for them as it is for us. The only thing we have in our favor is our DB skills and this board. I don't know if there is a board for WAS to vent or get ideas on how to reconnect with a LBS .
So I'm going to take some of the advice (if you don't mind) that others have given you and let H work at his own pace. I know I should be very grateful that I'm at this stage with my H, but I just keep remembering the lies and deceit that was inflicted upon me this past year. I'm learning not to hold on to that if I want to move forward with H.
Kim, we've got a long road ahead of us that will have a lot bumps and turns (hopefully no detours ) on our way to reconcilliation land. So hang in there girl!!!
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
. It was a good night and I enjoyed myself but I am way too old to be out until that time.
Turned out, my H overwhelmed himself... He told me he started having doubts again because it was too much, too soon. I then explained to him that HE was the one initiating the contact; I was actually avoiding it. 
I guess you will keep on keeping on though like the energiser bunny.
.
) on our way to reconcilliation land. So hang in there girl!!!