H is waking up....but will it last????

[Burgbud]

I must say this is no easy road and it ain't hearts and flowers, there are so many issues...

Hearts and flowers is the easy part. If you guys can work thru your issues and keeping working in spite of your issues (you'll never solve them all), you'll know you've really got the R you want.


...and I sometimes wonder if I have the strength as I feel like I do all the hard work and he just takes it all forgranted.

You are doing a lot of the hard work, but he's taking some steps:

H: "Yes I know but I don't like them either"

H: "yeah maybe you are right, I will give it some thought"

At least he recognizes this intellectually. Now we'll see if he can follow thru. It's hard, Kim; don't expect him to change all at once. Just see if he can keep giving you what you need in that two-steps-forward one-step-back manner we're all so used to.


Oh well my problem guess I will work it out in time.

I'm very sure you will, doll. I have no doubt.

[kismet]

Hi Kim,
Great to see that you are still hanging in there.

I must say this is no easy road and it ain't hearts and flowers, there are so many issues and I sometimes wonder if I have the strength as I feel like I do all the hard work and he just takes it all forgranted. Oh well my problem guess I will work it out in time.


I guess you have to work out whether the effort is worth it. I think there is a lot of work ahead of you. Somehow, I don't think the reality is like the movies where you make up and live happily ever after.

At the moment it is you doing most of the work. Has H agreed to see a counsellor? Not sure what his outburst was about, but it wasn't about your kids. I think it is just easier for him to lay the blame on them, than confront what it really is that he is upset about.

Hang in there Kim. You do have the strength to do this. The decision really is ~ do you want to? And you don't have to make that decision today, tomorrow, or even next month. And even then, you can change your mind.

But guaranteed no matter which road you take you will be strong and you will be a success.

[yoyogirl]

Hey Kim - Wow..I so admire you for your calmness in handling H's outburst. You did good! I haven't really been posting much in other DBers threads since I've not really been practising DBING... and don't think can offer much advice.. Just want to say HANG IN THERE, SISTA!!

One Day at a TIME!!!

[KimDownUnder]

amd - Thank you and yes it is very long and painful sometimes I think putting it back together is harder than trying to get them back. As for keeping my cool, that took alot of work I can tell you b/c I really wanted to give him a mouthful but knew it would achieve nothing but cause further tension.

Lisa - I am glad you and Dave are becoming more friendly. Be very careful though as they are a kind unto themselves, and they change their minds like the wind so try and keep your expectations hidden and remember to keep GALing as they notice that more. Yes Kismet and I will send you over some refreshed Cabana Boys so don't worry.

Kismet - You are right movies are only make believe...Dang
H is considering a counsellor so we will see. You make a good point about his outburst being directed at the kids, I will give it some thought and when the time is right I may even point that out to him. You are right too a woman's perogative is to change her mind so i may still do that.

BB. Damn right it is hard work alot harder than I exected.
My H intellectual mmmm don't think so.
2 step forward and 1 back is damn right.
Thanks for the encouragement.

YoYo thanks for checking up, I will be over soon to get updated

O.K. little journaling
H came back for a shower before gym and then on the way back from gym OW rang he answered and said I was with him and apparantly she was just ringing to say Brett her son needed to speak to him about work. (Brett is her son that works with my H). He then hung up.

Well I sat there trying to keep cool but this just didn't feel right. I know I am naughty but I have been so good, it had to happen.

Anyhow our convo went like this:
Me: Why did she have to ring you
H: I told you Brett wants to speak to me about work.
Me: And the reason Brett couldn't ring you himself.
H: I really don't know maybe he had no credit on his phone.
Me: Yes but isn't Brett at work, he could have rung you from there
H: Oh yeah, look I have no idea, I am just telling you what she said.
Me: Yeah that's fine I believe you I just have a very hard time understanding why she is contacting you over stuff she doesn't need to. And I am sorry but it makes me feel that I can't trust you. You are in your caravan alone alot and for all I know she could be there with you and your just not telling me. It's not like it hasn't happened before.
H: Kim I promise you nothing is going on I don't see her and that is the first time I have spoken to her on the phone for a week.
Me: Yeah O.K. I want to believe you I am just saying this doesn't help me to build my trust.
H: I understand that.
Me: You know what b/c I don't feel that you show a great deal toward me and I feel like I put in all the effort I want you to answer this truthfully.
H: What
Me: Do you feel this is working or are you just not getting the spark back.
H: Yes I feel it is working, I don't want us to rush it and I think it is happening slowly. I understand that I am not showing you a great deal of affection but I have alot on my mind and I am trying to get all my bills sorted and with all the work I have been doing I am very tired. I know it is not much of an excuse but it is the truth, just give it time.
Me: I have given it time nearly 9 months. Dont get me wrong I do not want you to move back in but I just want you to show me some interest make me feel like I am important to you, if you cant do that then say so, it is fine.
H: You are important for me and I will show you that in time just be a bit more patient.
Me: O.K. I just can't guarantee how long I can wait, I love you and I want this to work but if I feel it isn't, I dont want to waste my time as then I will have wasted so much time. I am sorry if that sounds selfish but you know I am anything but selfish.
H: Yes I know, look it will get better, have some patience let me sort myself out it will get better, I don't want to end anything, I want this to work, I do want to be with you.
Me: Thankyou that helps a little, I will leave it alone for now and try and deal with each day as it comes.

We chatted a bit more and that was about it. I know I probably went against the rules a bit but I am determined from the start to have our R different. I want us to be able to say whatever we feel and talk through it, which I think we are kind of doing. Gosh you have alot of mixed emotions when you are trying to work all this out, it is soooo hard and keeping myself and my feelings to myself just doesn't work for me. I am open and honest always about everything I have no secrets with anyone not even my friends, that is just me and H would have to know that after 12 years.

Anyhow again I tell you all this b/c I am honest and open and also in the hope that anyone else who is trying to work things out with their estranged spouse can see it is not all smooth sailing. Hopefully it will get better as time goes on but I have such an internal struggle going on inside of me that I must try and get on top of.

Anyhow that's my latest. I have volleyball tonight and H is working here today. He is going to Cricket training with S9 after work and then coming home for tea. We will both then go to volleyball as he says he wants to come. He is then working on a Security Job at a Sex Exhibition in the city called "Sexpo" for the next 4 days. He has to be there at 10am and doesn't finish until 1am so I will not be seeing him or speaking to him after tonight until Monday I guess.......oh well the break might do us both well......KDU

[kaydeekay]

Kim: I think you are doing a fabulous job on rebuilding your M. You are letting H know how you are feeling and not holding anything back.

I know how the trust issue is. We put all of our trust in our H's these past 9 / 10 months when they would want to work things out with us. Then they turn right around and sh!t on us by returning to OW.

I want to believe my H so much that he wants to work things out but I just have a real hard time forgetting what he has done to me in the past. In one year he has left and returned home 5 times. I think at this point and time it's easier for me to just give up and get a D rather than put in the hard work to rebuild my M.

I think you are handling your sitch a lot better than I am and I wish I had half the strength you have. Keep it up!! Tony is damn lucky to have you

[StrongNSassy]

I think you are sooo on KDU...if we are to start a clean, fresh slate here...then if our area of breakdown before was commmunication that is where we need to change things up. I agree wholeheartedly. I don't think you broke any rules...you said what you felt, there was NOTHING hateful, just concern to show him that you too were protecting your heart. I am sure he respects that, especially because his answer back to me, was an attempt to reassure you that he was there in it 100%. He even explained why he was having problems. HUGE freaking steps here.

Again, I appreciate you KDU like there is no tomorrow!! I am following anything/everything you write here...because I can see it all coming straight into play in our new found friendship. We never talked...I always held things in and then eventually I would hold things against, him, push him away, anything to avoid the confrontation and he was the exact same. We've learned how to communicate and that is a start...a huge start for you and me!!

[kismet]

hey Kim, Well OW never fails to disappoint with her antics. What a crock ~ grown son cannot organise his life himself?

H is starting to open up to you a lot more. I am amazed at how he has changed. Is this really like the old Tony back again? To me as an observer it really is like the aliens suck their brains out. They act like total strangers for months,(and generally think with their d!cks ~ or not at all) and then the aliens decide to return their brains in installments. Is this how you see it?

Hope H brings you some little goodies back from sexpo ~ I would have sent him with a shopping list

Looks like you are flying solo for a while here ~ so you will have to WW for all of us!

[yoyogirl]

The OW is just trying to find all sorts of excuses to contact your H. She just won't give up, would she?? Don't let her contacting your H get under your skin. That's what she is trying to achieve too... As long as your H is truthful about OW contacting him, and you listening and understanding...(with your occasional input of concern)...think it would be alright! Be cool! Don't let her get to you, REMEMBER!

One Day at a TIME!!!

[Burgbud]

Hey Kim! I'm glad you were able to talk to H about being upset with the call with Ow. And I'm glad he understands that you need to talk about it and is willing to work thru it with you. I think that's a very good sign on his part.

I'm sorry you've been so patient and now you're close and you still have to be...patient! I guess that's why they don't give capes out to just anybody.

Hope you won at volleyball! And if H is working at the Sexpo can you get in free? Just a thought...

[KimDownUnder]

Hi guys thankyou for your thoughts.....

KDK i am going to drop over to your thread again but you don't seem to be posting much, but you sound a bit down with your sitch so buck up and smile.

Yoyo - thanks for the encouragement

Kismet - I wish he could get free samples they would at least be a bit of fun to look at depending on what he got but no I don't think he will.

Lisa - I am not there yet my love although I am trying but don't put me on a pedastal as I am no where through this yet, but if I am giving you strength and encouragement then that is fantastic. Hopefully we can hold hands and skip through this reconciliation thing together....

BB, thanks darl for your words. As much as this Sexpo peaks my curiosity I don't know that it is really something I would want to visit as surely if you walk into a Sex shop you can see just the same things, I have done that....gone into a Sex shop with a couple of friends and boy did some things make my eyes pop out of my head, I can see why other things pop for the males.....Hehehe....Anyhow as I said even if I could get in I wouldn't bother as once I had looked at the first few stalls I think it would become rather boring.

Oh and I am determined to keep being honest about how I feel with H b/c then there cannot be any misconceptions. I do not want to come across to him as forceful and hard to please but I will continue to keep my boundaries in place b/c it helps me to feel comfortable.....

Anyhow everyone I don't think I will have a lot to update this weekend as i wont really be seeing H at all. I think I will have a nice quiet relaxing night tomorrow night on my own and do Housework Saturday and then on Sunday I think I will get the kids to give me a hand straightening the backyard as Summer is pretty much here so there will be a lot more backyard B.B.Q's soon and I want my garden to look pleasant...KDU