amd - Thank you and yes it is very long and painful sometimes I think putting it back together is harder than trying to get them back. As for keeping my cool, that took alot of work I can tell you b/c I really wanted to give him a mouthful but knew it would achieve nothing but cause further tension.
Lisa - I am glad you and Dave are becoming more friendly. Be very careful though as they are a kind unto themselves, and they change their minds like the wind so try and keep your expectations hidden and remember to keep GALing as they notice that more. Yes Kismet and I will send you over some refreshed Cabana Boys so don't worry.
Kismet - You are right movies are only make believe...Dang H is considering a counsellor so we will see. You make a good point about his outburst being directed at the kids, I will give it some thought and when the time is right I may even point that out to him. You are right too a woman's perogative is to change her mind so i may still do that.
BB. Damn right it is hard work alot harder than I exected. My H intellectual mmmm don't think so. 2 step forward and 1 back is damn right. Thanks for the encouragement.
YoYo thanks for checking up, I will be over soon to get updated
O.K. little journaling H came back for a shower before gym and then on the way back from gym OW rang he answered and said I was with him and apparantly she was just ringing to say Brett her son needed to speak to him about work. (Brett is her son that works with my H). He then hung up.
Well I sat there trying to keep cool but this just didn't feel right. I know I am naughty but I have been so good, it had to happen.
Anyhow our convo went like this: Me: Why did she have to ring you H: I told you Brett wants to speak to me about work. Me: And the reason Brett couldn't ring you himself. H: I really don't know maybe he had no credit on his phone. Me: Yes but isn't Brett at work, he could have rung you from there H: Oh yeah, look I have no idea, I am just telling you what she said. Me: Yeah that's fine I believe you I just have a very hard time understanding why she is contacting you over stuff she doesn't need to. And I am sorry but it makes me feel that I can't trust you. You are in your caravan alone alot and for all I know she could be there with you and your just not telling me. It's not like it hasn't happened before. H: Kim I promise you nothing is going on I don't see her and that is the first time I have spoken to her on the phone for a week. Me: Yeah O.K. I want to believe you I am just saying this doesn't help me to build my trust. H: I understand that. Me: You know what b/c I don't feel that you show a great deal toward me and I feel like I put in all the effort I want you to answer this truthfully. H: What Me: Do you feel this is working or are you just not getting the spark back. H: Yes I feel it is working, I don't want us to rush it and I think it is happening slowly. I understand that I am not showing you a great deal of affection but I have alot on my mind and I am trying to get all my bills sorted and with all the work I have been doing I am very tired. I know it is not much of an excuse but it is the truth, just give it time. Me: I have given it time nearly 9 months. Dont get me wrong I do not want you to move back in but I just want you to show me some interest make me feel like I am important to you, if you cant do that then say so, it is fine. H: You are important for me and I will show you that in time just be a bit more patient. Me: O.K. I just can't guarantee how long I can wait, I love you and I want this to work but if I feel it isn't, I dont want to waste my time as then I will have wasted so much time. I am sorry if that sounds selfish but you know I am anything but selfish. H: Yes I know, look it will get better, have some patience let me sort myself out it will get better, I don't want to end anything, I want this to work, I do want to be with you. Me: Thankyou that helps a little, I will leave it alone for now and try and deal with each day as it comes.
We chatted a bit more and that was about it. I know I probably went against the rules a bit but I am determined from the start to have our R different. I want us to be able to say whatever we feel and talk through it, which I think we are kind of doing. Gosh you have alot of mixed emotions when you are trying to work all this out, it is soooo hard and keeping myself and my feelings to myself just doesn't work for me. I am open and honest always about everything I have no secrets with anyone not even my friends, that is just me and H would have to know that after 12 years.
Anyhow again I tell you all this b/c I am honest and open and also in the hope that anyone else who is trying to work things out with their estranged spouse can see it is not all smooth sailing. Hopefully it will get better as time goes on but I have such an internal struggle going on inside of me that I must try and get on top of.
Anyhow that's my latest. I have volleyball tonight and H is working here today. He is going to Cricket training with S9 after work and then coming home for tea. We will both then go to volleyball as he says he wants to come. He is then working on a Security Job at a Sex Exhibition in the city called "Sexpo" for the next 4 days. He has to be there at 10am and doesn't finish until 1am so I will not be seeing him or speaking to him after tonight until Monday I guess.......oh well the break might do us both well......KDU
