Jo, We will figure it out soon, I know that if I am away from Dawn I don't miss her like I did before. Do I care about her of course, I still care about every girl or lady I was ever in love with. Yrs later I still go through a day here or ther that I miss them.
I need to be just close enough to see my children, but just far enough away she can not control me and my emotions. If I am with her my love grows for her but my anxiety goes through the roof, if I am away from her I dream of falling in love with a "sane" beautiful women.
The daily or almost daily contact we have with our Xes doesn't allow us to live our own life. I am not saying we have to move 100s of miles away, we are still parents of our children. Sometimes I feel they don't need us but they do. We have to have a part in their lives somehow without being controlled by our Xes.
Yesterday, I had the worst depression ever! I mean I was all about doom and gloom. I called my mom and she told me that maybe I need anti-depressants. She was actually crying and saying that she can't stand me like this. She eventually came over and my day got a lot better. I eventually realized once again that it is all my state of mind (along with some crappy circumstances).
One thing that helped me was coming on here on reading your posts and also Gabriel's advice to you. Yes, your situation does stink badly, however; maybe you should try to make some small changes in your life. I spend a lot of time on the computer and my mom explained that it probably adds to the depression. I know you do this also. Maybe you should shut the computer down for a few days and make yourself do other things. Also, I work and I am so happy on those days. It is the weekends that really stink. I know you don't work out of the house. Is there any way you could? I went two years without working after the bomb and now that I am working, I wish I would have done it so much sooner.
For me, being useful and doing daily duties is so important. It feels good being out in the world and contributing to society. Plus, I love getting a paycheck even though it isn't much!! For me, it isn't enough to be keeping busy with volunteering and homemaking type stuff. There is something about working a job, having to do your best to make your bosses proud and then getting paid for the work you do. I have owned my own business and not had bosses. Being your own boss is great, but I can now see the benefit of having to be on your toes and working hard to please the one who writes your check.
Just some things to think about. I have been praying for you. I hate when I read the torment you are enduring. I know how bad it can hurt even though you have probably endured more. Take care.
Nothing in my life works, even the most simple of bloody things. And it isn't because of sitting in front of the computer. I go out a lot also and even on the days I go out, it's the same.
Like today for instance I went to a Christmas Market over 2 hours from my home, spent all day there, went shopping, had lunch out, bought DD4 a doll she wanted.
Came home after a long day and the bastards never even gave me my bag back. They took it off me to *help* me on the bus. Then DD4 was crying all the way home because of the lost doll.
I got in, phoned the bus company but no one answered so I left a message. I don't think I'll get it back. £10 wasted just like that and I only had 2 shopping bags. I tried to get the bus to stop but they wouldn't. And this only happened because they took my things away from me in the name of being helpful.
Sometimes I just hate able-bodied people. No offence but they are always trying to damn well help and it's interfering. I was sat at my desk, after coming off the phone, just crying my eyes out, because no matter what I do, no matter how simple, it always goes wrong.
I went to the bank just a few days ago and was robbed. Every time I go out, something happens. DD4 came over and put her arms round me and I was just sobbing.
I really don't want to do any of this anymore. I'm supposed to be going on holiday at the end of the week. I can't afford to just lose £10.
If it's not things like that, it's creeps trying to hit on me, accidents, or whatever else, and I'm still on my own, thinking everything I do is on my own, and no, the kids being there doesn't help. I want adult company.
I go to toddler groups, dance classes, college, pre-school, shopping, out with friends, but none of it makes a blind bit of difference to me. In fact things usually run smoother if I'm just at home working because there's a limit to the number of things that can happen with that.
And no, seeing the kids DOES make me think of him, he controls me through them even more. I am not happy, and when they are here it is worse instead of better. I'm not supposed to admit it, I am their mother, but only biologically. It doesn't mean much to me anymore after all these years. I don't know them, and the effort of trying to know them is too much.
My mind just screams 'No' every time and I want to run. All I have ever wanted to do is leave, all of them and just pretend I never met him and start again. I keep trying more out of peer pressure than because I want to. I know I will be unhappy for as long as I try to stay in this family.
I for one am sick of DD4 having to see me in tears.
I can't live with this level of misery anymore. No amount of anti-D's are going to cover up what can't be fixed. Even my dr's said to me, 'there is no way to treat situational depression' - I am not clinically ill, never have been. Taking pills does not change my situation, so I still continue to feel like this. I was on them for 2 years for goodness sake and I can say, they NEVER lifted my mood, they only made me sick, which in fact made me feel more down.
I still have to walk through the door of an empty house every day, no one to talk to, ask how my day's been. And yes, I go to friends but I'm just 'borrowing' them for company. I don't have a real family. It isn't the same.
I lost my brothers and sisters, my mother, my step-father, MIL, FIL, BIL, everybody in this D, not just him. I lost my kids. I lost the family business and nearly lost my charity, I lost my home. My baby's dead because of this D and he would have been 2 soon and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
I go out, I get jeered at, robbed, molested, you name it. I'm a nice person and I'm forever giving to other people, but just when does anyone give to me? I never get hugged except by DD4, no sex life (that is agonising), my Christmas cards are from my creditors, not my friends. Would you believe I even considered HIRING a man to take me out to dinner, I am that lonely. He wanted to charge me £50.
I just want to quit on everything, go back to Greece which is my bloody home country anyway and just grow olives, in a peaceful bay somwhere where I don't have to remember anything. Something with no past, find a nice SEXIST man who would never D me because he's too old fashioned, someone who doesn't mind me doing nothing but looking after kids, and I could do that and be a housewife instead of a career girl, and at least have people around me that love me, and be part of something.
Jo - First - just because you didn't tolerate the antidepressants, doesn't mean there isn't help for your depression. Don't give up. Fish oil, B vitamins, one of those special lamps they use for SAD, regular exercise - there's good evidence for all these things. Make a plan.
Second - you need to change your living conditions. Seems to me, you'd be happier, and life would be smoother, if you could get in some kind of cooperative living situation? Shared housing of some sort? A better community? Split a house with another single mom? Let's think creatively here.
I thought I had no hope of feeling better, but the C I have been seeing has helped me a great deal. I had to start liking myself again, I am worn down like you are from the yrs of termoil.
I know somehow, someway with a change of venue you can be happy again. As you know a good C can help us make some decisions when we are stuck in a rut. I thought everything was my fault, when things didn't go right, I fell deeper into depression. My C has helped bring my spirits back up, I can now see that I would make a great husband for a "sane" women. A few months back I thought I was worthless.
Someone who has the talent, ability to get books published and that can C other people would be worth more than a heart of gold to be a "sane" man's wife.
JO YOU ARE THAT TALENTED AUTHOR, KINDHEARTED AND MAY I ADD STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I know you can overcome the current sit., but something has to change.
What would Andy do if you fell in love with a stable handsome man? If you live to close to him I think he would cause the two of you problems. Lets say you had a boyfriend to talk to and spend time with, how much would you miss Andy?
