Nothing in my life works, even the most simple of bloody things. And it isn't because of sitting in front of the computer. I go out a lot also and even on the days I go out, it's the same.
Like today for instance I went to a Christmas Market over 2 hours from my home, spent all day there, went shopping, had lunch out, bought DD4 a doll she wanted.
Came home after a long day and the bastards never even gave me my bag back. They took it off me to *help* me on the bus. Then DD4 was crying all the way home because of the lost doll.
I got in, phoned the bus company but no one answered so I left a message. I don't think I'll get it back. £10 wasted just like that and I only had 2 shopping bags. I tried to get the bus to stop but they wouldn't. And this only happened because they took my things away from me in the name of being helpful.
Sometimes I just hate able-bodied people. No offence but they are always trying to damn well help and it's interfering. I was sat at my desk, after coming off the phone, just crying my eyes out, because no matter what I do, no matter how simple, it always goes wrong.
I went to the bank just a few days ago and was robbed. Every time I go out, something happens. DD4 came over and put her arms round me and I was just sobbing.
I really don't want to do any of this anymore. I'm supposed to be going on holiday at the end of the week. I can't afford to just lose £10.
If it's not things like that, it's creeps trying to hit on me, accidents, or whatever else, and I'm still on my own, thinking everything I do is on my own, and no, the kids being there doesn't help. I want adult company.
I go to toddler groups, dance classes, college, pre-school, shopping, out with friends, but none of it makes a blind bit of difference to me. In fact things usually run smoother if I'm just at home working because there's a limit to the number of things that can happen with that.
And no, seeing the kids DOES make me think of him, he controls me through them even more. I am not happy, and when they are here it is worse instead of better. I'm not supposed to admit it, I am their mother, but only biologically. It doesn't mean much to me anymore after all these years. I don't know them, and the effort of trying to know them is too much.
My mind just screams 'No' every time and I want to run. All I have ever wanted to do is leave, all of them and just pretend I never met him and start again. I keep trying more out of peer pressure than because I want to. I know I will be unhappy for as long as I try to stay in this family.
I for one am sick of DD4 having to see me in tears.
I can't live with this level of misery anymore. No amount of anti-D's are going to cover up what can't be fixed. Even my dr's said to me, 'there is no way to treat situational depression' - I am not clinically ill, never have been. Taking pills does not change my situation, so I still continue to feel like this. I was on them for 2 years for goodness sake and I can say, they NEVER lifted my mood, they only made me sick, which in fact made me feel more down.
I still have to walk through the door of an empty house every day, no one to talk to, ask how my day's been. And yes, I go to friends but I'm just 'borrowing' them for company. I don't have a real family. It isn't the same.
I lost my brothers and sisters, my mother, my step-father, MIL, FIL, BIL, everybody in this D, not just him. I lost my kids. I lost the family business and nearly lost my charity, I lost my home. My baby's dead because of this D and he would have been 2 soon and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
I go out, I get jeered at, robbed, molested, you name it. I'm a nice person and I'm forever giving to other people, but just when does anyone give to me? I never get hugged except by DD4, no sex life (that is agonising), my Christmas cards are from my creditors, not my friends. Would you believe I even considered HIRING a man to take me out to dinner, I am that lonely. He wanted to charge me £50.
I just want to quit on everything, go back to Greece which is my bloody home country anyway and just grow olives, in a peaceful bay somwhere where I don't have to remember anything. Something with no past, find a nice SEXIST man who would never D me because he's too old fashioned, someone who doesn't mind me doing nothing but looking after kids, and I could do that and be a housewife instead of a career girl, and at least have people around me that love me, and be part of something.
