Every time a thought or argument pops into your head that explains why you can't take care of yourself, assume its your depression talking and press forward with the self-care. Whether its why you shouldn't visit a good friend, or explore counseling or meds.
Nows the time to try s/t different. Cause what's in place isn't working for you.
Where's Ellie when we need her? Some of the meds you mentioned are a bit dated, with better ones out there now. Newer meds come out every year with a different effect and different side effects. One might match your physio and needs better than the ones you've tried so far. For example, Amitriptyline is an older anti-dep in the category of a tricyclic and the newer meds that target serotonin (SSRIs) don't tend to have as many side effects. Talk to your doc about an SSRI or a new med like Effexor that targets both serotonin and norepinephrine. Taking them at night is a good idea for some, as is starting with lower doses, so that you don't have the fogginess. If you try them, stay with your doc and don't discontinue prematurely. Let the experiment play out and communicate with your doc about any difficulties.
I know kids are challenging. But this is so like dep to paint experiences in a neg fashion. My XW did talk about S6 in that fashion when she went into her dep funks. I didn't feel like throttling her - I felt so sad for her, as she couldn't see and enjoy the marvelous little infant and boy that I did - all b/c her world was painted in shades of dark gray due to her low mood state. I always wished relief and happiness for her, and was desparate to have her helped. But ultimately it is up to the person to accept and use adequate help. At first, she chose the D, alcohol, and purchasing things as her way to treat her mood. But now she's in therapy and is trying to change her behavior (exercise etc...). I think she still needs meds, as 2 months into this change, she still tells me that she feels depressed and 'burned out' about life.
Quote: theres a part of me that thinks they'd be better off without me.
Never! There is no one on this planet who can replace their mother. No one whose smile, touch, gaze, affirmation, means as much to those beautiful girls. You are their gold. No one will ever come close. They were blessed with you as their mother, and no distance/court order/ spousal abuse/ or choice will ever severe their hearts from yours. Be gentle with their hearts, Jo. And with your own.
But this sense of overwhelm maybe you telling yourself that you need to take breaks (like maybe from the Christmas visit) to self-care until you're back to being your full, happy self, Jo.
Some of the meds you mentioned are a bit dated, with better ones out there now. Newer meds come out every year with a different effect and different side effects. One might match your physio and needs better than the ones you've tried so far. For example, Amitriptyline is an older anti-dep in the category of a tricyclic and the newer meds that target serotonin (SSRIs) don't tend to have as many side effects. Talk to your doc about an SSRI or a new med like Effexor that targets both serotonin and norepinephrine. Taking them at night is a good idea for some, as is starting with lower doses, so that you don't have the fogginess. If you try them, stay with your doc and don't discontinue prematurely. Let the experiment play out and communicate with your doc about any difficulties. 