Of course I've got depression. I've felt it coming back for weeks, maybe a few months even.
I can't go on anti-D's as I react to all of them. I was on 4 different kinds of anti-D and I reacted to all of them. First I was on amitriptiline and that sedated me so I was not able to get out of bed all day - not visable when you have a baby.
Then I was on Lustral and I reacted so badly to that that I was hospitalised (altered consciousness, uncontrollable shaking, seeing double, etc etc).
They stablized me and changed my meds to Seroxat, but that sedated me also and gave me severe vomiting - every day I would take one, I would be vomiting.
They told me to take it in the evening so it would sedate me overnight instead of during the day, but I just used to wake up feeling drugged and hungover.
I took myself off it but was addicted so I had to go through 2 days of blinding headaches and sickness in 'cold turkey'.
On my very bad days I have ocassionally dipped into my old supply, but it means being sick for 2 days if I do. I suppose that's a distraction if nothing else. Too ill to feel anything.
So that's why I can't have anti-D's.
Counselling is an option. I know there is a counselling service at the local community centre. I could book that, but still not convinced my records wouldn't be used.
I know the kids will yearn for a mother their whole life, but is it me they're yearning for or just an idea? I don't know them, they don't know me. They come round here, I think they've had fun, then their father phones up saying that DD1 has been complaining about me, and I end up in tears thinking, 'whatever I do, she doesn't like me.'
She even does it in front of me. She'll tell me something her father has done that she knows I don't like and then he'll try to excuse himself - it's almost like she's trying to make us argue. When she's not doing that, it's the opposite, match making.
Some days she even REFUSES to visit me. He'll bring the others round and she won't come in. I feel so rejected when she does that. After all, I didn't ASK him to leave me and I didn't want him to take them. It just happened.
Then there's DD2 screaming her lungs out, hitting me, saying she doesn't want to stay with me.
And DD3 - everytime I see her, she says 'when we lived together' this and 'when we lived together' that, and 'when you and daddy were fighting over me' etc etc. She was taken from me, and she remembers it and talks about it incessantly. It hurts like hell that I can't spend time with her without her bringing up the past.
It's hard enough dealing with his mind games, trying to deal with theirs as well is too much.
My mind tells me they are kids, they don't know. My heart hurts just the same as if they were adults.
It doesn't help that I can't remember much of when they were living with me - it was years ago, and the court stuff was so traumatic that when I try to remember myself as their mother, I can't remember anything except the court hearings.
I remember them being born, I remember birthdays and holidays and stuff but not day to day mundaneness - not real life.
I know if your wife was talking like this about S6 you'd want to shoot her.
Honestly, what is more harmful, no mother or a mother that never stops crying? Because theres a part of me that thinks they'd be better off without me.
And the court must have thought so too because they still gave him custody, even after the domestic violence after he left, even when they had police reports to prove it, he still got them. He got them because he wasn't crying like me.
Don't you ever feel like something is so damaged you can't do anything to fix it, that even trying just a bit would be a waste of time. That's why I'm so panicked over Christmas. To me it's just another effort that won't work, and I am out of strength.
I read your post, cried, and then he knocked on the door at the same time and I had to answer the door with tears running down my face. Great. That'll do the DB'ing a lot of good. Thankfully the light was off so he didn't notice. He just said 'I can't stop because I'm going to a party.' Lovely. I didn't say anything, let DD4 in and shut the door.
Tomorrow we are going to a Christmas market for the day, and either on Monday or Wednesday, my friend is coming over with a bottle of wine to celebrate my book being in print.
