I was up till the small hours, panicking about Christmas. I feel really angry that he pressured me in front of the kids.

I don't want to go there and asking me in front of them, forces me into it. He's an emotional bloody rapist

I really don't want to go there, I can't think of anything worse. I don't want to upset myself like this, even for the kids. I'm sick to death of having to do everything 'for the kids' as if I've got no feelings, that I don't matter because I'm a mother, because I'm an adult. Well, I hurt a damn sight more than they ever did, even if I am 28. Being grown up doesn't protect you from pain. And at least they've got relatives looking after them. I've got no one to ask how I am.

I feel like he's being a selfish arsehole and I feel resentful towards them for wanting me there. Putting myself through that is only going to hurt me, so them wanting me there is the same as them not caring if I hurt.

If they loved me they'd let me go instead of opening up the wound all the time. My eldest daughter has been separated from me for half her life, nearly. It's the same as being separated from a partner, and I can't make it work.

I have been seriously considering just leaving. I could hand in my notice on the house, shut the charity helpline, but still keep the rest of it going. I could apply for other jobs and maybe move down south, like 5 or 6 hours drive from him, take a little place near the sea and just start over again, ditch my married name, just start again, new identity, new town, new job, new life.

I have thought about it so often over the last few weeks, and on and off since they left me, that it just feels really attractive.

I seriously think it's the only way I'd get over losing him and them. I could have a chance of being happy then, maybe meet somebody new and settle down.

Of course, I'm prepared to have insults thrown at me now, from people on this BB who think I should stick around for my kids no matter how unhappy I am, but I just don't believe in that, even if I'm supposed to.

I'm going to die if I don't break free.

I phoned up to make sure he didn't bring her back late as we're going out tomorrow, very early, and I didn't want her tired. He agreed to this.
Then I said I didn't want to come round for Christmas and I only agreed because he asked me in front of the kids.

Of course we got into this hour long row on the phone about it with him thinking I'm selfish and me thinking he's insensitive. He tried to throw me all this BS about how 'we are not in a R' so I told him some home truths about him always saying ILY, sleeping with me, saying we have a future and then dumping me and right now there is no R because he says so. We're 'on' or 'off' because he bloody says so!
I asked him what gave him the right to dictate to me whether we are on or off, and what gave him the right to only have sex with me when he initiated?
I ended up screaming at him that sometimes I would like to call the shots and if I say we're on, we're on, and if I feel like sex, I should bloody well be able to get it because I decided I wanted to, not because HE thought it was okay!!!

Boy, I was angry. I just shouted at him for ages and then about how the only reason he wants to be friends with me is because we've got kids and if we'd never had any he wouldn't even be talking to me, so the whole Christmas thing is just 'false'. I said that he just wanted to be friends because he felt guilty.
He said he wasn't guilty.
I said in that case, leave me alone, for God's sake, leave me alone.
You asked me to be friend's with you 4 years ago. I said no. You took the kids, I still said no. All I have ever wanted from the moment you left, is to walk, and I still feel the same now.

He said I should go if I couldn't find happiness within myself. I laughed at the conceitedness of it and said I am happy when you're not there. I have things in my life that make me happy, my friends, my child, my career, my books. I have achieved loads of things, especially this year and I'm happy, then he comes along with his drama and his ILY's and everything else and just ruins it for me, like the time he sent me a solicitors letter when I told him the book was being published.
Whatever happiness I have, he spoils.

He started going on about how my feelings are my responsibility and it's me that's doing it if I react like that. I said Oh no Andy, don't give me that BS, you come round to my house, MY house and talk down to me. I listed a whole load of things he says to me, which I can't even write on here because it's too disrespectful, and he said 'that was a joke'.

I said 'is everything a bloody joke to you? Am I just a joke?'

I think so.

He still wants me to go round there. I can't think of anything worse. It's our anniversary on the 16th, my baby would have been 2 years old on Boxing Day. I have enough reason to hate this time of year without that, too.

Next year I will start making plans to leave. I've had enough. I had enough at least 2 years ago. I have to get out of the trap.