Apart from having a fit American Psychologist flirting with me, I have another reason to be happy...my copy of my book, 'Till Death Do Us Part'.
I felt like a kid on Christmas morning, opening it. It's much better than I thought it would be, and a really big book - well worth the money, I reckon. I had thought it was expensive, but now I've changed my mind.
I was sitting there, thinking, I can't believe I did that. 2 years work and it's finally in my hands. I was almost in tears. It almost makes getting a D and losing my kids worth it because I never would have done it if they were still here.
There's a message in it for my kids when they are older.
I keep picking it up and putting it down, I can't believe how nice it looks.
Jay, buy one please because then you'll know my writing style and how I can help you with your book. We could write it together. You have a really cool surname, with the name like that on the front of a book it would sell.
Gabe, you must have got your copy ages ago - you never told me how nice it looks! (and everybody, he's on the back cover, LOL).
It was literally 2 years work, toiling away in the evenings and every other weekend. I'd sit for hours and write 10 hours straight with only food breaks. I hardly ever went out because I was so obsessed with finishing this book.
I've written before, but never been as driven, and now when I look at the end result, I know all those late nights in front of my computer were worth it.
Now all I need is more customers, so c'mon guys, cough up!
Andy's coming round later with the girls. I just can't wait to show them this. He's probably going to be mortified, LOL.
Ha! What in tarnation is goin' on here! <Gabe in his best Yosemite Sam voice> I leave for a few hrs and I'm gettin married!?! Jeesh... I am out of the loop in terms of flirting and dating, aren't I?
I meant every word of it, Jo. You are a beautiful woman, and I think Andy realizes your qualities to their fullest. His behavior is based on his issues, which he'll overcome or not.
No, I haven't received my copy yet. Should arrive within the next few weeks, I imagine. Congratulations again on the book! Writing is such a longterm process, and you saw it through. May you reap very sizable positive benefits from this, and help society to do the same.
Jo, That so awesome, I was like a kid when I sold my first painting, I could feel the smile on my face, the lady asked me why I was so happy because I was beaming.
Oh I am going to buy your book soon! I will buy it from your website, if that makes you more money. So happy for you
So is the book released in the bookstores now?
I think I should change my first name for the book. My dad called me Luke when I was young, so as a tribute to him I think "Luke Dahl" would be good. I don't know why he called me Luke, was it Luke from the book of the Bible? Luke Skywalker was not invented yet.
After last nights dream of my Russian sweety, I think I have come to my senses, its most likely a scam. But it was fun for a day or two to think someone was interested in me.
(On our book cover "Luke Dahl and Joanna Jones" Something like "The Dirty Secrets of Pokerflats" A story of romance, sex, drugs and lies that will blow your mind!)
The title doesn't work, also I'd steer clear of the word 'dirty' if this book is about rape as survivors of rape don't want to get the idea that they are dirty because of what happened to them.
I'd go for something like, 'Our Little Secret - One Couple's Struggle For Love and Life after Incest.'
A lot of perpretators of abuse tell the victim to keep it 'our little secret', I know because I counselled girls and women at a Rape Crisis Centre for 2 years, so that's why I think the title would work.
Just a suggestion.
As for my book, it is available in stores but only if I request a store take it on, or the store request it. Currently it isn't in store in the US as I don't live there so it makes it hard to know where to go/who to organise with.
It is in the library here and I think there's a copy with your main US library (don't know what it's called), but you can get it at loads of places online, e.g
Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Pickabook, etc etc. You can order it from my site but it diverts to the publisher so it's the same as ordering direct from him.
Next year I'm going to buy up loads and have a book signing in a local book shop. I hope to get a bit of publicity like that , and I've got advertising on authors den, plus about 150 visitors to my site per day (it used to be about 15 per day a couple of months ago).
It's out there as much as I promote it, essentially, and I've only just started. I have big visions
Gabe - I shall kick the publisher up the arse. You should have got your book by now. I will see to it that he sends it to you ASAP and if he doesn't, I will get one myself and send it to you. He is so slow sometimes! But rest assured, it is worth the wait
The title doesn't work, also I'd steer clear of the word 'dirty' if this book is about rape as survivors of rape don't want to get the idea that they are dirty because of what happened to them.
I'd go for something like, 'Our Little Secret - One Couple's Struggle For Love and Life after Incest.'
A lot of perpretators of abuse tell the victim to keep it 'our little secret', I know because I counselled girls and women at a Rape Crisis Centre for 2 years, so that's why I think the title would work.
Just a suggestion.
As for my book, it is available in stores but only if I request a store take it on, or the store request it. Currently it isn't in store in the US as I don't live there so it makes it hard to know where to go/who to organise with.
It is in the library here and I think there's a copy with your main US library (don't know what it's called), but you can get it at loads of places online, e.g
Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Pickabook, etc etc. You can order it from my site but it diverts to the publisher so it's the same as ordering direct from him.
Next year I'm going to buy up loads and have a book signing in a local book shop. I hope to get a bit of publicity like that , and I've got advertising on authors den, plus about 150 visitors to my site per day (it used to be about 15 per day a couple of months ago).
It's out there as much as I promote it, essentially, and I've only just started. I have big visions
Gabe - I shall kick the publisher up the arse. You should have got your book by now. I will see to it that he sends it to you ASAP and if he doesn't, I will get one myself and send it to you. He is so slow sometimes! But rest assured, it is worth the wait
Your right about the title, that is more sensitive. What happens is my anger comes out to shove it in her brothers throat. (XW's parents live on a street called Pokerflats, I want revenge on her brother, however thats not what God wants me to do, nor would it sell books)
Through out this process I will write how I feel and I am sure you will have to tone me down constantly. Unless I get my AD increased then I could be peaceful! JK
Well, Andy and the kids came round about 4 o clock. DD2 gave me a Christmas card, so I got the cards out that I'd written and gave them out to all my DD's and Andy (I write each DD their own separate card and Andy his own card. This year I just put 'from Jo' instead of love, with no kiss).
They got all excited. I didn't expect them to be so pleased with a few cards.
I showed Andy my book and he stood there flicking through it, then turned it over and saw Gabriel's review on the back. Then he said 'Trust a psychologist to review your book.' I told him that I didn't know Gabe was a psychologist when we 'met'. He said 'Gabriel', kind of rolling the word off his tongue slowly and smirking. Then DD1 cut in and asked 'Is Gabriel a man, then?' - pointed question, I thought. I said yes. Andy said 'No, he's a girl, it might be Gabrielle.' I laughed and said 'No, Gabe is definitely NOT a girl.' He kinda looked at me, smirking, and sat down at my desk. I said 'He's a friend, he's nice. He works at this university and he's been on TV, profiling murderers.' He did the eyes-to-Heaven thing and said 'Lovely' (sarcasm).
I detected a hint of jealousy and Gabriel, we've not even met yet! I apologise, though, for him calling you a girl.
I told him I've had invites to America from 3 different people and I'd really love to go and see the country again and the culture and that I loved Florida last time I lived there and it would just be a great experience for me.
He got this sad, uncomfortable look in his eyes and was looking the other way, not maintaining eye contact. Then he said 'When are you planning to go?' I said I dunno, but I'd like to at some point because I have lots of friends I want to meet. He said 'It's not as simple as that, is it?' I said yes it was, if you have a dream in life, you should follow it, and I'd rather be happy than sitting here waiting for my family to visit me. He looked even sadder when I said that.
Then he tried to put the book in his coat. I said 'No, that's mine.' He said 'Can't I keep it?' I said no, it was my copy. He said 'When do I get my copy?' I asked him if he'd read it if I bought him one. He said yes. I told him I'd give him my copy after I'd shown my friends, and I'd even gift wrap it for him.
I said 'You don't like it, though, I don't know why you want one.' He said he was pleased for me and said 'well done', but I know he doesn't approve. Well, tough, I wanted to do this.
Then he asked me (in front of the children) whether I was coming over for Christmas, and all the kids were looking at me with their big eyes.
I said 'Andy, that isn't fair to ask me that in front of them.' He grinned at me and said 'I know.' Then DD1 chipped in and said 'C'mon mum, I can give you your present then.'
At this point I was feeling loads of guilt and pressure, so I decided that honesty was the best way to deal with it. I said 'Look Andy, I don't want to come because I'm scared of you.' He looked surprised that I would say that, and said 'Don't be silly, why would you be scared of me?' I said 'You always hurt me, and it's just setting myself up for more. You're not interested in me, you don't really want me there and I'll have to come round, while you do that for 'the sake of the kids', and feel like an outcast with my own family. You will reject me like you always do, sit the other side of the room glued to the TV and off your face on drugs while I've cooked, wrapped presents, you name it, you'll reject me and then I'll end up crying on the sofa while you and your brother make fun of me.'
He ignored all of that and just repeated 'Are you coming for Christmas?' I said not if you reject me, hurt me etc etc. He said he wouldn't, and 'can't you just come and have fun?'
Then before I had chance to answer, he added 'What are you cooking for Christmas Dinner?' !!!!!!!!!
All the girls started hopping about excitedly so I gave in and told him what I was planning to cook, and asked him to buy some foil.
Then I said, 'If you hurt me, even once, I will walk out. I don't care if I have to walk 10 miles home, I will walk out.'
He nodded. We had a discussion about food and the Hamper I ordered, then he looked at my photos and said 'these are a nice set of photos' and he admitted I 'didn't look much older than when I was 21'.
Good for you Jo. You've let Andy know where you stand and now you have to mean what you say. If he's mean, unattentive, distant or whatever, make sure you have cab fare to get you home. Don't put up with him crap!!!! Let him know that you mean business and that from now on you will not be disrespected or used.
Congratulations on your book!!!! Hope you make tons of money on it so you can come visit us.
Well, I couldn't get a cab as that would cost about £40 (about $70) as it's double fare on Christmas and I'm not prepared to pay £40 to go 10 miles.
My plan is, if he starts acting like Mr Frozen, I will ride out Christmas Eve for the sake of having somewhere to sleep, then I'll go to the pub (all the pubs are open on Christmas) and have a few drinks, then in the evening I'll ask BIL to drive me home, since he has a car.
I was up till the small hours, panicking about Christmas. I feel really angry that he pressured me in front of the kids.
I don't want to go there and asking me in front of them, forces me into it. He's an emotional bloody rapist
I really don't want to go there, I can't think of anything worse. I don't want to upset myself like this, even for the kids. I'm sick to death of having to do everything 'for the kids' as if I've got no feelings, that I don't matter because I'm a mother, because I'm an adult. Well, I hurt a damn sight more than they ever did, even if I am 28. Being grown up doesn't protect you from pain. And at least they've got relatives looking after them. I've got no one to ask how I am.
I feel like he's being a selfish arsehole and I feel resentful towards them for wanting me there. Putting myself through that is only going to hurt me, so them wanting me there is the same as them not caring if I hurt.
If they loved me they'd let me go instead of opening up the wound all the time. My eldest daughter has been separated from me for half her life, nearly. It's the same as being separated from a partner, and I can't make it work.
I have been seriously considering just leaving. I could hand in my notice on the house, shut the charity helpline, but still keep the rest of it going. I could apply for other jobs and maybe move down south, like 5 or 6 hours drive from him, take a little place near the sea and just start over again, ditch my married name, just start again, new identity, new town, new job, new life.
I have thought about it so often over the last few weeks, and on and off since they left me, that it just feels really attractive.
I seriously think it's the only way I'd get over losing him and them. I could have a chance of being happy then, maybe meet somebody new and settle down.
Of course, I'm prepared to have insults thrown at me now, from people on this BB who think I should stick around for my kids no matter how unhappy I am, but I just don't believe in that, even if I'm supposed to.
I'm going to die if I don't break free.
I phoned up to make sure he didn't bring her back late as we're going out tomorrow, very early, and I didn't want her tired. He agreed to this. Then I said I didn't want to come round for Christmas and I only agreed because he asked me in front of the kids.
Of course we got into this hour long row on the phone about it with him thinking I'm selfish and me thinking he's insensitive. He tried to throw me all this BS about how 'we are not in a R' so I told him some home truths about him always saying ILY, sleeping with me, saying we have a future and then dumping me and right now there is no R because he says so. We're 'on' or 'off' because he bloody says so! I asked him what gave him the right to dictate to me whether we are on or off, and what gave him the right to only have sex with me when he initiated? I ended up screaming at him that sometimes I would like to call the shots and if I say we're on, we're on, and if I feel like sex, I should bloody well be able to get it because I decided I wanted to, not because HE thought it was okay!!!
Boy, I was angry. I just shouted at him for ages and then about how the only reason he wants to be friends with me is because we've got kids and if we'd never had any he wouldn't even be talking to me, so the whole Christmas thing is just 'false'. I said that he just wanted to be friends because he felt guilty. He said he wasn't guilty. I said in that case, leave me alone, for God's sake, leave me alone. You asked me to be friend's with you 4 years ago. I said no. You took the kids, I still said no. All I have ever wanted from the moment you left, is to walk, and I still feel the same now.
He said I should go if I couldn't find happiness within myself. I laughed at the conceitedness of it and said I am happy when you're not there. I have things in my life that make me happy, my friends, my child, my career, my books. I have achieved loads of things, especially this year and I'm happy, then he comes along with his drama and his ILY's and everything else and just ruins it for me, like the time he sent me a solicitors letter when I told him the book was being published. Whatever happiness I have, he spoils.
He started going on about how my feelings are my responsibility and it's me that's doing it if I react like that. I said Oh no Andy, don't give me that BS, you come round to my house, MY house and talk down to me. I listed a whole load of things he says to me, which I can't even write on here because it's too disrespectful, and he said 'that was a joke'.
I said 'is everything a bloody joke to you? Am I just a joke?'
I think so.
He still wants me to go round there. I can't think of anything worse. It's our anniversary on the 16th, my baby would have been 2 years old on Boxing Day. I have enough reason to hate this time of year without that, too.
Next year I will start making plans to leave. I've had enough. I had enough at least 2 years ago. I have to get out of the trap.
(and everybody, he's on the back cover, LOL).
