I feel exactly like you do. Just replace the names (Andy to Dawn) and I have the same sit., same feelings and same hurts. I can't write it like you do but its the same. My youngest is 11, but she is special needs, she will have to live with her mom or me, so I have a life sentence to. I am to pay child support not until she is 18, but the rest of my life. How is an old man on Social Security going to pay his ex wife $600 a month for child support?
I could be free and I suppose you could be to, if we didn't have to see them. I miss the kids not her, but when I go see the kids I see her and it brings back the feelings, then I leave hurt again.
Jo, I guess after all this rambling, I have no real good advice, but please remember we all care about you. I don't know why going to C would hurt the custody you have of your D. It would be better to prevent an onset of major depression than to not get help. Here in Texas the C I am receiving will be looked upon by the court as taking care of myself so I can take care of my children.
Jo, sweetie - I'm going to say something here that you may not feel comfortable with at first, but hear me out, okay? And bear in mind, I am not in any way defending your ex, who I think is a jerk.
One thing I have noticed in your posts is a lot of black and white thinking. And more problematic - you have a tendency to panic at anticipated pain, and solve the problem by cutting off the person rather than take a risk that it might not turn out to be everything you hope.
It's rather like the high school girl who breaks up with her boyfriend first rather than run the risk that he might break up with her some day and it would hurt more.
I'm not just talking about Andy here, but your R with your girls and other people. The minute you think things might not be going as well as you would like, you precipitate a wild swing to the extreme and end up cutting them off.
Your fear of rejection is so great, that you rush to reject people before they can reject you.
I understand where this comes from - your rejecting mother, rejecting H, rejecting society ....but you end up biting off your own nose to spite your face. In court, for instance, rather than face the POSSIBILITY that you might lose custody, you stormed out and essentially gave up custody.
Now, it's probably also true that some of these wild mood swings are related to your depression. And while there are certainly plenty of depressing circumstances in your sitch, don't overlook the biochemical factors in depression as well. You probably really need to be back on your antidepressants. Won't your national health service cover this for you? If not, maybe your doctor can get you some free samples to defray the costs? And can you do any of the other things to decrease depression - vitamins, fish oil, UV lamp, exercise?
Also, you must, must work on increasing your social circle. Don't keep internalizing your mother's dim view of your prospects. People with disabilites can and do lead active social lives, and you are one smart cookie, you can figure out how to do that too. I read the most amazing book once - I Raise my Eyes to Say yes. It's about a remarkable woman who was born with really severe CP. Her parents were encouraged to institutionalize her, and finally, when she was about 7, they did. She couldn't speak, or move her arms or legs. What no one realized was, her brain worked fine!
Finally, as an adult in the institution, someone worked with her and found out that she could communicate by moving her eyes in response to someone pointing to a board with pictures or words. Eventually, she fought to be included in a program to move people out of the institution and into apartments with attendants. She wrote her autobiography all by moving her eyes.
I guess my point in all this, Jo, is that you don't have to live this way. Get back on your antidepressants. Become aware of your black-and-white thinking. Quit trying to hurt others before they can hurt you. Build up a core of friendships and social connections so that your emotional well-being does not depend on your flaky ex. You have so much brilliant potential. Don't let the emotional damage of your past cloud your bright future.
I know I push them away, and it is for the reason you said, but to be fair I have given him plenty of opportunity to prove that we can meet up in his home and for it to go well, and the last time, he just smoked dope all night and insulted me right after an operation.
Every single time I accept something he offers me, I end up regretting it. It's like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I can't get anymore anti-D's as this will go on my record which is admissable to court and then they'll log that I am on them. It was thought of as bad last time and it was written in the court reports that I couldn't cope without drugs, so I'm not risking that again. I haven't been to the doctor in 2 years, not even when ill, as I just don't want a medical record - it's like a paper trail. I use alternative practitioners where the court can't get hold of the info. For instance, when I pulled a muscle in my back, I went to an Osteopath. I self-treat with homeopathy and also get my friend to treat me as she is a qualified aromatherapist and reflexologist.
I am too scared to have it any other way. The VS needs treating but that involves getting a referral to the Vulval Pain Clinic at the hospital, and that means a visit to the dr to ask, and more paper record. I keep putting it off.
C is the same. I am a trained C myself (Specialised in Rape counselling), and I know there are 3 reasons why the C record would NOT be confidential, firstly, if there was a terrorist threat, secondly if there was a child protection issue and thirdly if a court requested the record, they could legally ask to see it.
In my case, when I was 7 months pregnant with DD4, I slashed myself. I talked about it is C. She told the court because she said as the child was inside me when I did that, it was a 'child protection' issue. The court found out, something they wouldn't have known otherwise, and that got held against me.
I would NEVER, NEVER talk openly to a C again, never. It isn't worth the risk. I have phoned Samaritans (helpline, don't know if you have them in America) a few times because you don't have to say who you are and if they've asked for my name, I give them a false one.
The whole system is just stacked up against people who have depression. If you've got it they try to take your kids and if you try to get help, that's just more evidence for them. So they basically screw you.
Anyway, I learnt my lesson so I will just try and stay out of depression by will power and natural remedies. Unfortunately every time I see him, it makes me feel worse, even if he doesn't come in. The thing I want most in the world is for him to just stop coming here, but unfortunately that's not going to happen because of the kids. I know I'd feel so much better if I could just wipe the slate clean and start again, but he's not prepared to leave altogether and he won't let me leave, so when I do make an effort and see my kids and try to have fun with them, he still finds something to criticize me about.
I have been wanting to just walk for years, but I can't give up DD4. I love her too much, it would kill me to be apart from her. If it wasn't for that, I would just say, no way, I'm not going to be here anymore. I am having my own life.
As for social circle, I agree, I need more friends. My aromatherapist friend, who is also wiccan, has roped me into going to the covern next year, so I will be going there once a month and will meet a whole lot of witches (some male) - I'm not wiccan myself, but use elements of it. That should be a laugh, anyway.
I just got a call from the IVF clinic. Both the ladies didn't succeed. The IVF cycle failed.
Also, because they could only reach 5 eggs, they probably wouldn't use me as a donor again. The dr would have to look at my notes and my drug dosages to see if he could have me on higher dosages of drugs before they would consider me donating again. Plus, what with me needing a general anasthetic and not being able to have the chemo drugs, my chances of being accepted again aren't great.
They said I could volunteer and I would be given an appointment to go and see the consultant to discuss it.
I told the IVF nurse that I would consider my options and in a few months I would contact them again if I wanted to see the consultant.
To think I went through 7 months of clinic visits, blood tests, STD tests, internal examinations, counselling, scans, about 50 injections I had to learn myself, every flippin' day, all the side effects I had with the ear pain and the dry skin, pain with my VS, being knocked out, a whole day in hospital, drowiness, sickness and 4 days of post-operative pain, and IT DIDN'T BLOODY WORK!!!!!!!!!!
I have never felt such a failure in all my life. And those poor women, they must be gutted. I must have just got their hopes up only to be disappointed again. I feel guilty. If they'd got more than 5 eggs, they could have made frozen embryos and tried again. They can't try again because of me, unless they go back on the waiting list for months, for another donor.
I feel guilty.
Of course I phoned up Andy in tears again, wonderful stuff. I hate him but when things go wrong, he's still the first person I want to speak to. Ugh.
He is totally against me donating again. He says the side-effects are too much and that I'll end up killing myself and it might fail again anyway. I told him I was gutted, I'd had all that painful stuff done and every damn doctor in the UK between my damn legs and then it doesn't work.
We talked for a few minutes about it. Then he said he'd call me later. Ugh. I feel so awful.
(Jo/GG) I'm so sorry. But, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! I'm with Andy on this one. I hope you don't do it again. Just the fact that you wanted to help someone else is wonderful on your part. Please consider that as being enough. You did everything you could and a lot more than most of us would have done.
I'm sorry about the news. Your gift to those folks was the OPPORTUNITY to parent, which they did not have before you acted so courageously. They accepted and used your gift.
I'm bothered by the clinic giving you feedback about the success/failure. In the US, there typically isn't much feedback about donation - at least regarding organs or marrow. Seems to leave either party vulnerable to bad news/possible exploitation.
Well in the UK as of April this year, donor details are identifiable. That means that the parents would know what I look like, my medical details, and my background details, and the child himself could trace me when he's 18 if he wants.
I am also entitled to write him passages about myself and my family, to send a message to his parents and to know whether anyone was pregnant from my donation or whether it failed.
I also have the right to choose who my donation goes to, i.e, religious orientation, sexual orientation, background of the potiential parent. I specified at the time that they had to be a couple that was in a stable R, no single women, but that I didn't care whether they were lesbians or a hetro couple. I stated I didn't care about religion.
They changed the law in April so I had the same rights as a birth mother who gives up her child for adoption.
My photos from the makeover arrived this afternoon. I have put my favourite ones on my blog next to the one that was taken a few years ago, pre-D. I have aged, obviously but I still reckon I look pretty good, considering.
The black dress with the chinese pattern on it is Andy's favourite and it was what I wore to scrub the kitchen floor in that day last April when he walked in and ML with me.
but I still reckon I look pretty good, considering.