I know I push them away, and it is for the reason you said, but to be fair I have given him plenty of opportunity to prove that we can meet up in his home and for it to go well, and the last time, he just smoked dope all night and insulted me right after an operation.
Every single time I accept something he offers me, I end up regretting it. It's like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I can't get anymore anti-D's as this will go on my record which is admissable to court and then they'll log that I am on them. It was thought of as bad last time and it was written in the court reports that I couldn't cope without drugs, so I'm not risking that again. I haven't been to the doctor in 2 years, not even when ill, as I just don't want a medical record - it's like a paper trail. I use alternative practitioners where the court can't get hold of the info. For instance, when I pulled a muscle in my back, I went to an Osteopath. I self-treat with homeopathy and also get my friend to treat me as she is a qualified aromatherapist and reflexologist.
I am too scared to have it any other way. The VS needs treating but that involves getting a referral to the Vulval Pain Clinic at the hospital, and that means a visit to the dr to ask, and more paper record. I keep putting it off.
C is the same. I am a trained C myself (Specialised in Rape counselling), and I know there are 3 reasons why the C record would NOT be confidential, firstly, if there was a terrorist threat, secondly if there was a child protection issue and thirdly if a court requested the record, they could legally ask to see it.
In my case, when I was 7 months pregnant with DD4, I slashed myself. I talked about it is C. She told the court because she said as the child was inside me when I did that, it was a 'child protection' issue. The court found out, something they wouldn't have known otherwise, and that got held against me.
I would NEVER, NEVER talk openly to a C again, never. It isn't worth the risk. I have phoned Samaritans (helpline, don't know if you have them in America) a few times because you don't have to say who you are and if they've asked for my name, I give them a false one.
The whole system is just stacked up against people who have depression. If you've got it they try to take your kids and if you try to get help, that's just more evidence for them. So they basically screw you.
Anyway, I learnt my lesson so I will just try and stay out of depression by will power and natural remedies. Unfortunately every time I see him, it makes me feel worse, even if he doesn't come in. The thing I want most in the world is for him to just stop coming here, but unfortunately that's not going to happen because of the kids. I know I'd feel so much better if I could just wipe the slate clean and start again, but he's not prepared to leave altogether and he won't let me leave, so when I do make an effort and see my kids and try to have fun with them, he still finds something to criticize me about.
I have been wanting to just walk for years, but I can't give up DD4. I love her too much, it would kill me to be apart from her. If it wasn't for that, I would just say, no way, I'm not going to be here anymore. I am having my own life.
As for social circle, I agree, I need more friends. My aromatherapist friend, who is also wiccan, has roped me into going to the covern next year, so I will be going there once a month and will meet a whole lot of witches (some male) - I'm not wiccan myself, but use elements of it. That should be a laugh, anyway.
