Jo, sweetie - I'm going to say something here that you may not feel comfortable with at first, but hear me out, okay? And bear in mind, I am not in any way defending your ex, who I think is a jerk.
One thing I have noticed in your posts is a lot of black and white thinking. And more problematic - you have a tendency to panic at anticipated pain, and solve the problem by cutting off the person rather than take a risk that it might not turn out to be everything you hope.
It's rather like the high school girl who breaks up with her boyfriend first rather than run the risk that he might break up with her some day and it would hurt more.
I'm not just talking about Andy here, but your R with your girls and other people. The minute you think things might not be going as well as you would like, you precipitate a wild swing to the extreme and end up cutting them off.
Your fear of rejection is so great, that you rush to reject people before they can reject you.
I understand where this comes from - your rejecting mother, rejecting H, rejecting society ....but you end up biting off your own nose to spite your face. In court, for instance, rather than face the POSSIBILITY that you might lose custody, you stormed out and essentially gave up custody.
Now, it's probably also true that some of these wild mood swings are related to your depression. And while there are certainly plenty of depressing circumstances in your sitch, don't overlook the biochemical factors in depression as well. You probably really need to be back on your antidepressants. Won't your national health service cover this for you? If not, maybe your doctor can get you some free samples to defray the costs? And can you do any of the other things to decrease depression - vitamins, fish oil, UV lamp, exercise?
Also, you must, must work on increasing your social circle. Don't keep internalizing your mother's dim view of your prospects. People with disabilites can and do lead active social lives, and you are one smart cookie, you can figure out how to do that too. I read the most amazing book once - I Raise my Eyes to Say yes. It's about a remarkable woman who was born with really severe CP. Her parents were encouraged to institutionalize her, and finally, when she was about 7, they did. She couldn't speak, or move her arms or legs. What no one realized was, her brain worked fine!
Finally, as an adult in the institution, someone worked with her and found out that she could communicate by moving her eyes in response to someone pointing to a board with pictures or words. Eventually, she fought to be included in a program to move people out of the institution and into apartments with attendants. She wrote her autobiography all by moving her eyes.
I guess my point in all this, Jo, is that you don't have to live this way. Get back on your antidepressants. Become aware of your black-and-white thinking. Quit trying to hurt others before they can hurt you. Build up a core of friendships and social connections so that your emotional well-being does not depend on your flaky ex. You have so much brilliant potential. Don't let the emotional damage of your past cloud your bright future.
