But it's not really about him or whether we're together because we're not, it's not even really about what he says or my kids or anything.
It's about ME.
Being divorced is the same as being married, except with all of the bad points and none of the good things. I still have to see him regularly, even if he's just collecting DD4, I still have to make an effort at convos, 'for the children's sake'. At Christmas and birthdays we still have to spend it together and pretend to care about each other so it goes okay, except it's false as he couldn't give a damn the rest of the year.
We still have to parent our children together. There's still all the same arguments we used to have when married, except now they're all the time instead of just sometimes, and we usually argue on the phone or in the street instead of in the kitchen. There's no kissing and making up. I either get ignored completely or he phones and apologises later, except I am sick to death of hearing him say sorry.
Every time I try to get on with my life, he's there, picking up DD4, every time I see him, it's a constant reminder. I tell him lets not be friends, I can't do it. You're either my husband or you're not, but then he gets me with the 'we have to be friends for the children' crap, or 'if I can't be friends with you I have to hate you' - he doesn't realise how much his platonic presence makes me unhappy.
I want to be loved or left alone, one or the other, but not 'friends'. 'Friends' is more to assage his guilt at leaving me than for my benefit. I just want to be free.
I have to put up with all of that, as if he's still my husband, but without someone to come home to, without the companionship, without the intimacy and sex life - I just get all the bad stuff, the arguing, missing him, missing the kids - everything bad in a marriage, times 100, then double it.
And the thing is, because we're connected through our children, and the youngest one is only 3, I HAVE to put up with him until she's old enough to leave home - that's about 18 years, maybe 16, but at any rate, it's the same as a life sentance, and I didn't even commit any crime. All I did was fall in love.
Even if I forgot I ever met him, he would always be there, reminding me of the fact.
