I've decided I'm not going to Andy's for Christmas. I can't do it, I just can't.
I have been in such a state all night, I'm not doing it; it isn't worth it, not even for them.
I've been damn well crying for hours again and I want to take the anti-D's in my cupboard but they're 3 years old so I'm not sure I should, plus I have to take DD4 out tomorrow and I can't if I've taken them as they sedate me and make me have nausea.
I just don't know what to do. I've felt myself getting worse for months. I'm crying loads more than I used to, having more nightmares, headaches, not being able to sleep at night. All signs of depression and I'm so scared as I'm sure I am getting it again. I fought for 2 years to get rid of it and then I did, and it's been gone 2 years now and now I think it is creeping up on me.
I can't talk to my friends, they won't get it after all this time, and rightly so, they will have no empathy. I've got no family, none that cares, anyway.
I can't go to the doctor or a C as that will go on my record and endanger my custody of DD4. Even this is a risk as he knows I go on here. The only thing I can think of it a telephone helpline or something where I can phone in and not give my name.
I blew the DB'ing this evening. He dropped DD4 off really late so we both put her to bed and soothed her because she was crying. DD2 used my bathroom, then Andy asked what my plans were, anything special? I just said I am going away on the 11th. He said where? I said away for the day. He asked where again. I said to Skipton to a Christmas market where they all dress in 1500's clothing. He said that will be nice, and asked to have DD4 on Friday evening to Saturday instead of just Saturday, because he brought her back a day early today. I said okay. Then they left.
I was on the floor in tears. I am so sick of 'being civil', and because we're divorced and have kids, I have to 'be civil' until DD4 is 18. UGH. I am just trapped, forced to have him in my life through them. I feel as if I have been sentanced to life in prison and I have only completed 4 years of it, still another minimum 20 years before the parole board release me.
Anyway, I phoned him, told him I wasn't coming for Christmas and cried my heart out to him for half an hour. I should have just made him come here, rather than get upset like this. I would rather be on my own with DD4 and have nothing to do on Christmas Day than go there again.
Look what he did, how he treated me after my operation? I must have been nuts to even agree.
Of course, he rounded on me about how the girls were saying to him that they didn't like it at mine and that I shouted at them for stuff they didn't do etc. I shouted when they drew all over my sofa, when they cut loads of paper up and threw it all over my house, when DD1 was calling DD2 nasty names and when DD1 hit DD3.
All of those things deserve reprimanding for, in my opinion. They can't just run riot with each other and destroy my house and furniture. I said to Andy that is the behaviour of a 3 year old, not a nearly 10 year old, and that if he doesn't ever reprimand them, they will end up in a women's prison. He said he shouts, does 'time out' with them and uses corporal punishment. I said 'Exactly, Andy, but because it's you that's done it, that makes it okay. I don't even hit our children, I just raised my voice a couple of times and because it was me that did it, suddenly that's bad.'
I then said all the nice stuff I'd done with them, taking them out, spending money with them, making Christmas decorations with them and all they can do is slag me off behind my back when they go back to his. I said I couldn't believe that he would even take the word of a not quite 10 year old kid, against me, a 28 year old woman, and that if all he and them ever had to say about me was bad, I don't know why I bothered to see them, I don't know why I even talked to him.
I said that the only time he ever came to see me was to pick up DD4 and he didn't give a shite how I was ever, and the only time the kids ever saw me was to use my bathroom like I'm some kind of service station, use my home like it's a hotel, spend my money that I don't have anyway, use my resources, my time etc etc just so they can bad mouth me when they go home to daddy, their 'real' home, of course.
He apologised for misunderstanding and not asking me what had happened and said he didn't know they had done those things and said he should have asked me before he jumped to conclusions. He said he was interested, he was just 'too busy'. I said, 'Exactly Andy, you're too busy to even think how I feel, 99% of the year, yet on Christmas you suddenly invite me over. Don't you think that's a tad hypocritical?' He said it wasn't like that.
I said I bet the kids were still wanting Christmas presents off me even though the 2 eldest ones evidently don't like me and from what he says, seem to spend their entire lives talking about me behind my back.
I told him it was hopeless and hung up on him. I knew I should never have tried to do this. All contact with him and them ever does is upset me. I was crying for an hour after the call, about 2 hours in total. I am drained.
Right now I'm going to get a coffee, and then I have to email this journalist before I go to bed as she is calling me about some articles in the morning.
