Jo, I looked at "the authors den", I forgot how stunning you look!! When are you going to update your blog with the photos from your make over in London?
Have fun with your girls, I am already missing my kids (actually its killing me)
I'm sorry about your kids but I'm confident you'll get them as she won't be able to keep looking after them.
Thanks for the compliment, although that photo was pre-D and a few years ago now so I look a bit more 'worn', LOL, I have lines that weren't there then, but I think the makeup artist did a good job of covering them up.
I haven't got my pictures yet, they should be arriving on Monday (a whole album of them!), as they told me a week's delivery. I will upload them then. There is one new picture on my blog of me, Andy and 2 of our girls when we went to dance class together and I called him Bin Laden, that's in the 'Us' section of the photo album, but it isn't very good as it was taken on a polaroid camera and I have a scarf over my head! I am on the left hand side, then DD4 is next to me, Andy is in the middle and DD1 on the right.
The sad thing about being single is there's no one to take pictures of you, so I only have about 6 pictures of me post-D, but that'll change when I get my album!
Thanks for calling me stunning, that has cheered me up. At the moment I feel about as sensual as a wet sock.
Well, the kids were a nightmare today (the 2 eldest ones, anyway), DD3 was quite well behaved, DD4 was sick, the same as me, and the other 2, ugh.
First, DD2 drew all over my sofa. She's 8 years old so she should know better. It's only a few months old and still has marks on it from DD4's artistic creation, only she is 3 so can be excused. I was well annoyed about that.
As well as this, she'd got up early before any of us were awake, and cut up millions of pieces of little white paper, and littered them all over DD4's bedroom and the hall for fun. I made her go round and pick them all up.
DD1 was constantly calling DD2 names, moaning, complaining and hitting her and then getting angry with me when I told her to stop being mean to her sister. They just fought for HOURS, every 5 minutes it was literally, 'mummy, she's done this!'
Now I have a bug and felt sick all day, still have it now, and I was nursing DD4 who has a temperature and fell asleep on my knee. Now I can't carry children so I was basically stuck there with this sleeping kid in my arms, unable to move, while DD1 and DD2 were tearing each other's hair out.
My darling Lulu was the only one who was cheerful and played nicely.
I did get them making paper chains to put up round my house as Christmas decorations. If you've got kids, theres no point buying expensive decorations. The best ones are ones that your children make themselves, so we did lots of multi-coloured paper chains and I thought that would satisfy them, but no, they were fighting over the paper and who had the longest chain!!!
I put a little fibre optic Christmas tree up for them and they watched that changing colour and we put a little nativity out and a living room rug and doormat that says 'Merry Christmas' on it. They were excited about it, but just wouldn't stop disagreeing over everything. DD1 was even grumbling at DD4 because she was crying and I just said 'For heaven's sake, DD1, she has a fever, leave the poor child alone.'
Andy came back with this HUGE zit on his nose, really massive and red, like rudolph. I laughed at him - tried not to but couldn't help it. He said 'I know, if it gets any bigger it'll take over my face.' As soon as he walked through the door, DD1 piped up 'We went to Next to buy you presents!' 'Next?' he said. I butted in, 'I know you don't like Next but I was returning an item and she wanted to buy you something.' He said he did like Next but it was too expensive. He's right there, actually, it is expensive, but the clothes are gorgeous and they last well. Half my wardrobe is from Next.
They told him what we'd been doing and I told him about them drawing on my sofa etc etc.
Then he said to them that their 'homework' was to find out the meaning of advent. We didn't know it either and proceeded to have a debate about when Advent starts. I said it starts in November. He said not. So DD1 looked it up on the internet and I was right, it does start in November and finishes on Christmas Eve - that's why some people put their decs up in November. I said 'I told you, I was right!' He slapped me on the leg for being a smart arse. So we read all this stuff about advent and I learnt some things I didn't know, as well as the kids learning it, lol.
Then Andy asked me what the word nativity means. I told him Nat means birth, so nativity is basically 'the birth of Christ', like navel comes from the word nat, and pre-natal, as in pre-birth etc etc. I can't believe he didn't know that. I thought everyone knew the meaning of nativity, but then he is more spiritual than religious and I do have the advantage of being born to a Greek Orthodox (Catholic) family - never practiced it in my life, but I am aware of a lot of the teachings, because of this.
Then Andy said 'Oh, by the way, my brother's coming over for Christmas Day too.' I said 'Oh, are you having him over? That'll be nice.' I was still in the mindset of 'I'm not going because of EX-OW' etc and even put it in writing for him earlier today because I was thinking he expected me to sit round a table with her.
He said 'No, WE'RE having him over.' (as in me and him together).
DD1 started getting excited and saying, 'oh good, is mum coming round after all?' And Andy said 'Yes she is.'
I felt really awkward. He's probably not even read the email yet. I said 'Er..actually Andy, I had decided not to come round if EX-OW1 was there as I am not comfortable with the idea, so I wasn't going to come.' He said 'She won't be there; she's doing her own dinner for her kids and family.' I asked 'So Rose won't be there?' 'Maybe, for a bit, but she'll be going for the meal with her.' I said okay then, I will come round as long as I don't have to share the table with any other women. He nodded but with that, 'I am so pissed off' look on his face. I said, 'I know you're pissed off by me mentioning it, but it's my Christmas too.' He didn't say anything in response and the girls were getting all hyper at the idea so I hope he doesn't flip out when he reads my email, saying I'm not going to go there.
I said as long as it was just us, the kids and BIL I was fine with that. I am the one who will be doing the cooking, so I have to cook for BIL now too. Thankfully his mother isn't going to be there because she's a nurse and is working on Christmas Day, so at least I don't have MIL from hell to contend with.
Ugh. I think I am messing things up with my nerves here, and feel really stressed out and tired.
JO, Calm down. This could be the beginning of many good Xmas's to come. Now that you know OW won't be there, be your usual sweet and charming self and have fun with your DDs. Andy is just a participant in the festivities. Remember that. Hope your Xmas is the most wonderful one ever!!!!
I hope so, but I can't help feeling dread about the whole thing. The first Christmas we had post-split was only 5 or 6 weeks after the 'bomb' and a total disaster (written about on my novel book shop site, if anyone wants a read), the 2nd Christmas after started off okay as I was DB'ing and the actual day itself was fine, but then his mother ruined Boxing Day and called me a selfish bitch, a lousy mother and a whole host of other names in front of my DD's.
So after that I decided to write off Christmas post-separation as a mistake and I book my holidays at Christmas now instead of in the summer. The year after that was bad because I went to a holiday camp and was attacked by a member of staff, but having said that, it was still better than having Christmas with him and the IL's.
Christmas 04 has been the only nice one I've had since being single. I went to Cyprus and hung out on the beach with DD4 on Christmas Day, and got chatted up by a sexy Greek waiter. Then when I got home, Andy came over all sentimental and he and the kids came for the day on the 30th and we had the best time ever.
But everyone knows all the stuff that's happened since then and this is the first time I have attempted to include the rest of my family in a couple of years. I am just terrified he is going to be a jackass about things and ruin it for me.
Oh well, I suppose if he spoils this year, then I know to go away again next year.
I've decided I'm not going to Andy's for Christmas. I can't do it, I just can't.
I have been in such a state all night, I'm not doing it; it isn't worth it, not even for them.
I've been damn well crying for hours again and I want to take the anti-D's in my cupboard but they're 3 years old so I'm not sure I should, plus I have to take DD4 out tomorrow and I can't if I've taken them as they sedate me and make me have nausea.
I just don't know what to do. I've felt myself getting worse for months. I'm crying loads more than I used to, having more nightmares, headaches, not being able to sleep at night. All signs of depression and I'm so scared as I'm sure I am getting it again. I fought for 2 years to get rid of it and then I did, and it's been gone 2 years now and now I think it is creeping up on me.
I can't talk to my friends, they won't get it after all this time, and rightly so, they will have no empathy. I've got no family, none that cares, anyway.
I can't go to the doctor or a C as that will go on my record and endanger my custody of DD4. Even this is a risk as he knows I go on here. The only thing I can think of it a telephone helpline or something where I can phone in and not give my name.
I blew the DB'ing this evening. He dropped DD4 off really late so we both put her to bed and soothed her because she was crying. DD2 used my bathroom, then Andy asked what my plans were, anything special? I just said I am going away on the 11th. He said where? I said away for the day. He asked where again. I said to Skipton to a Christmas market where they all dress in 1500's clothing. He said that will be nice, and asked to have DD4 on Friday evening to Saturday instead of just Saturday, because he brought her back a day early today. I said okay. Then they left.
I was on the floor in tears. I am so sick of 'being civil', and because we're divorced and have kids, I have to 'be civil' until DD4 is 18. UGH. I am just trapped, forced to have him in my life through them. I feel as if I have been sentanced to life in prison and I have only completed 4 years of it, still another minimum 20 years before the parole board release me.
Anyway, I phoned him, told him I wasn't coming for Christmas and cried my heart out to him for half an hour. I should have just made him come here, rather than get upset like this. I would rather be on my own with DD4 and have nothing to do on Christmas Day than go there again.
Look what he did, how he treated me after my operation? I must have been nuts to even agree.
Of course, he rounded on me about how the girls were saying to him that they didn't like it at mine and that I shouted at them for stuff they didn't do etc. I shouted when they drew all over my sofa, when they cut loads of paper up and threw it all over my house, when DD1 was calling DD2 nasty names and when DD1 hit DD3.
All of those things deserve reprimanding for, in my opinion. They can't just run riot with each other and destroy my house and furniture. I said to Andy that is the behaviour of a 3 year old, not a nearly 10 year old, and that if he doesn't ever reprimand them, they will end up in a women's prison. He said he shouts, does 'time out' with them and uses corporal punishment. I said 'Exactly, Andy, but because it's you that's done it, that makes it okay. I don't even hit our children, I just raised my voice a couple of times and because it was me that did it, suddenly that's bad.'
I then said all the nice stuff I'd done with them, taking them out, spending money with them, making Christmas decorations with them and all they can do is slag me off behind my back when they go back to his. I said I couldn't believe that he would even take the word of a not quite 10 year old kid, against me, a 28 year old woman, and that if all he and them ever had to say about me was bad, I don't know why I bothered to see them, I don't know why I even talked to him.
I said that the only time he ever came to see me was to pick up DD4 and he didn't give a shite how I was ever, and the only time the kids ever saw me was to use my bathroom like I'm some kind of service station, use my home like it's a hotel, spend my money that I don't have anyway, use my resources, my time etc etc just so they can bad mouth me when they go home to daddy, their 'real' home, of course.
He apologised for misunderstanding and not asking me what had happened and said he didn't know they had done those things and said he should have asked me before he jumped to conclusions. He said he was interested, he was just 'too busy'. I said, 'Exactly Andy, you're too busy to even think how I feel, 99% of the year, yet on Christmas you suddenly invite me over. Don't you think that's a tad hypocritical?' He said it wasn't like that.
I said I bet the kids were still wanting Christmas presents off me even though the 2 eldest ones evidently don't like me and from what he says, seem to spend their entire lives talking about me behind my back.
I told him it was hopeless and hung up on him. I knew I should never have tried to do this. All contact with him and them ever does is upset me. I was crying for an hour after the call, about 2 hours in total. I am drained.
Right now I'm going to get a coffee, and then I have to email this journalist before I go to bed as she is calling me about some articles in the morning.
I left a note on Meandmydogs' thread over in the Midlife Crisis forum some days ago, thinking she lived in the same city as you. I don't know if I remember this right or wrong, but she hasn't been back to her thread to update it in days. Keep an eye open for her there. If you were living within reach of each other, you may be a big support to one another.
I am sorry to hear about everything. Andy seems to have you dangling on a string. Keeps dropping the odd crumb to keep you interested and then behaves as if he said nothing etc. You sound like you are going though hell.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and "no advice" this time.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I have mixed emotions about Christmas this yr too. I don't know where I will be, by myself if XW follows the D decree as she gets the kids for Christmas or if she will invite me and have me be the "chef" at the last minute. Or will she have shagged a new man, for some reason after I got booted last week she is cleaning up the place.
I can only say try to focus on other aspects of your life. For an example, I was wasting tons of energy worring about what XW thinks of me, but now I am focused on getting my business straightened out. I feel relief being away from her, if I start thinking about her then I turn it into "I don't need her games".
Jo, if our X-es could act proper and live normal lives it would be worth restoring our marriages. I find the more I am concerned about her drama the more depressed I get, their games are not good for our health.
I will pray for you Jo, remember the talents that you have and don't listen when anyone puts you down. He is insecure that is the only reason he says anything negative about you. You don't have to listen to any of it.
But it's not really about him or whether we're together because we're not, it's not even really about what he says or my kids or anything.
It's about ME.
Being divorced is the same as being married, except with all of the bad points and none of the good things. I still have to see him regularly, even if he's just collecting DD4, I still have to make an effort at convos, 'for the children's sake'. At Christmas and birthdays we still have to spend it together and pretend to care about each other so it goes okay, except it's false as he couldn't give a damn the rest of the year.
We still have to parent our children together. There's still all the same arguments we used to have when married, except now they're all the time instead of just sometimes, and we usually argue on the phone or in the street instead of in the kitchen. There's no kissing and making up. I either get ignored completely or he phones and apologises later, except I am sick to death of hearing him say sorry.
Every time I try to get on with my life, he's there, picking up DD4, every time I see him, it's a constant reminder. I tell him lets not be friends, I can't do it. You're either my husband or you're not, but then he gets me with the 'we have to be friends for the children' crap, or 'if I can't be friends with you I have to hate you' - he doesn't realise how much his platonic presence makes me unhappy.
I want to be loved or left alone, one or the other, but not 'friends'. 'Friends' is more to assage his guilt at leaving me than for my benefit. I just want to be free.
I have to put up with all of that, as if he's still my husband, but without someone to come home to, without the companionship, without the intimacy and sex life - I just get all the bad stuff, the arguing, missing him, missing the kids - everything bad in a marriage, times 100, then double it.
And the thing is, because we're connected through our children, and the youngest one is only 3, I HAVE to put up with him until she's old enough to leave home - that's about 18 years, maybe 16, but at any rate, it's the same as a life sentance, and I didn't even commit any crime. All I did was fall in love.
Even if I forgot I ever met him, he would always be there, reminding me of the fact.
It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
There were no cards on the wall, nothing to celebrate the season at all.
The Christmas Tree Stood There All Stark And Alone, in this place I can no longer call a Home.
The stockings weren’t hung up, there was nobody there, no one on earth to even care.
The children were fast asleep in their beds, 10 miles away, while visions of sugar plums fairies danced in their heads.
There’s no lists for Santa for me to post this year, no excited faces, no Christmas Cheer.
And on Christmas Morning, I wake up in tears, remembering all the forgotten years, when I used to get presents and Brandy too, when my stocking was full and I’d wake up near you, and the children would be jumping on the bed, all gleeful and happy. Now There’s Just Dread.
You come to the door, my fixed smile is in place, while really my heart is about to break.
Everything now is no longer real, it’s all about acting and disguising how I feel.
I get to my children, half the presents are opened, but I pretend I was there, that I don’t really care.
I stand in the kitchen stirring the gravy, making Christmas Dinner for my babies, my mind full of ifs, buts and maybes.
To anyone else I’m just a wife and mother, but this home’s not mine. I am on borrowed time. And I might be welcome here on this day, but what does it mean if it’s not always that way?
We sit round the table. It’s loaded with pies, and you’re looking at me with those soulful eyes. You make conversation, pretend to care, but both of us know you don’t want me there.
It’s called ‘civil’ for the children, to make their Christmas nice, while I sit there with tears in my eyes. So many words left unsaid, papering over the cracks because this family’s dead.
I don’t get any kisses under the mistletoe. My heart is breaking, and you know. The kids are playing by the tree, I pour myself a large whisky. Of course the stuff was meant for Santa and his elves, but I need it more than he.
At the end of the day, you drive me home, and once again I am alone. Christmas isn’t about good cheer, it’s just the passing of another year. The start of one anew. Another Year without you.
I am on the left hand side, then DD4 is next to me, Andy is in the middle and DD1 on the right.