I am feeling really down today. I had this horrible nightmare last night and woke up feeling upset and hopeless, it's silly really, as it's only a nightmare, but it has wrecked my mood. I get them so frequently it just annoys me (about 2 or 3 a month).
I saw this penis (don't know whose it was, it didn't seem to be attached to a man) but instead of semen, there was blood pouring out of it until it filled up the entire room. Ugh.
Then there was Andy asking me to watch the kids. I said yes. Then he's crying and I ask what is wrong and he says he can't cope, that CPS are going to put the kids in foster care because of some child protection issue, I don't know what, it wasn't made clear in the dream. So I agree to take the kids to avoid them being put in foster care, and he's crying and saying 'Now you can have DD3 back.'
Then I find DD1 and she's crying so I ask what the matter is and she says that she's crying because daddy is having an operation (a V). I say to him that I can't look after the kids if he's going to do that because I don't want him to have one. I want to be with someone who can give me marriage and a baby.
He turns nasty and says it doesn't matter, that he doesn't need me to look after the kids anyway because he's got all these OW who can do it.
Then I woke up, close to tears. Ugh.
Okay, I am a wuss. It's only a nightmare and not real so who cares? Except he is booked for a V in January, and no, I don't like it. I have missed my children growing up. I feel robbed of the whole experience. I want it again, with somebody who wants me.
It made me feel so hopeless, like I am wasting my time even with the kids because he DOES have all these OW who can look after them.
That then got me panicking about Christmas, and whether Rose will be there, and whether he will be awful to me like last time and now I am re-considering whether I want to go there - except if I don't, I miss out on the whole Christmas Eve wrapping presents scenario which I haven't done for years for them and which I was excited about.
I mean, that's why I've got a scar on my wrist because I was daydreaming about it whilst ironing. I LOVED the idea. Now I'm just thinking, 'help - he's going to make me bleed. I can't do it' etc etc.
Took DD4 to nursery this afternoon and found out that she's singing in the Christmas Concert on 16th December which is what would have been mine and Andy's 10th wedding anniversary. It's also the day we're going on holiday - we catch a train straight after the concert.
I felt as if I would cry when they told me the date - she will be solo singing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'.
I phoned Andy to tell him about the concert and ask if he wanted to attend. He said yes. So me, him and our 3 older children will be watching DD4 in the concert on our 'would have been' 10th wedding anniverary, the first one where I haven't been married. I was still his wife last year.
I have no idea how I will get through that day.
I walked home from the nursery feeling as if I am the only divorced woman in the world and everyone else has husbands who love them so 'what the hell is wrong with me?'
What should I do about Christmas? Should I say I don't want to go there or not?
Or do you think I'm just on a downer over the nightmare?
I am so ungrateful for the blessings in my life. I've been working all day on formatting the newsletter, and the phoneline work. I'm also doing stacks of pre-Christmas publicity, I'm going to London in 2 days, I have a holiday after that - WHY do I feel like this? I was okay yesterday, and he hasn't been mean today.
I don't know why but dreams can do this to me also. The only thing I can do when this happens is just get busy.
I am down today too, its almost 1pm and I am having trouble getting motivated. Got tons of work to do at the store but I feel like she just dropped the bomb.
Struggled with DD4 this morning because she didn't want to brush her teeth. I told her she had to because otherwise they'd go rotten.
She said she wanted them to go rotten so the 'tooth fairy' would give her some money when they fell out and then she could go and buy chocolate! That's the most inventive exuse I've ever heard of, and this kid is only 3!
Didn't know what time Andy was arriving; didn't check. Still feel a bit down over the bad dreams. He arrived at 12 in this pair of jeans that looked really creased. I laughed and said 'Honestly, Andy, that's why you're supposed to iron.' (When I burnt my wrist he told me it was my fault for doing the ironing).
He just smiled at me and said 'they don't look that bad' (they DID ).
He went to the bathroom while I got DD4 ready and then DD2 came in to use the bathroom also. They had friends round so they couldn't stop. She hugged me and told me she loved me and I said ILY to her and then I asked Andy if he had any requests (I am going Christmas shopping). He said he couldn't think of any.
He said 'have a nice time' and asked me to phone him on the return journey so he knows what time to be at the bus station. I said I would. He reminded me to take my cell phone. I told him I wouldn't forget it.
Now they've gone and I've got to pack and things. I have to leave on the 7.30am bus tomorrow - that means getting up at 6am, lovely! But I am looking forward to this and trying to lift my mood.
I had to get up at 5.40am to be ready in time, UGH. Walked to the bus station in the dark but only waited 5 minutes for it to arrive.
Got to London at 11am with a headache (I get headaches a lot), which I was praying wouldn't turn into a migraine as I didn't bring my peppermint tea with me. Got to the Kensington Close Hotel (just off Kensington High Street) and found steps up to the front door which was annoying. They did have disabled access but that was locked and I had to ask for help which pissed me off something rotten.
My room was cold, even with heating, and the window wasn't double glazed, although the bed was nice for a single one and really big, and there was a nice comfy chair and a TV and nice bathroom.
Anyway, after I'd put my bags in my room I decided to go to a chemist and buy some painkillers as, like a fool, I had forgotten my homeopathy etc, so I went to 'Boots the chemist' and bought these headache pills that were really bad for you (paracetamol and 30mgs of caffeine, terrible) but they had vitamin C in them so that's not too bad. As I was queuing with my pounding head, the cashier started jumping up and down with joy, shouting, 'my sister's in labour!' so I was stuck there trying to pay for my pills while she was practically having heart failure over being an aunty, and I thought to myself, that's great, girl, but I just want this headache to go away
Then of course I tried to find a cafe so I could take the pills but all of them had huge steps at the enterance so I couldn't go in them. The only one I found where I could get in was McDonalds (sp?) - now, I HATE McDonalds. I knew Dave, the guy who started the 'McLibel' trial, I was vegetarian for nearly 13 years (still am, 95%, don't have meat very often and never if I have to cook it myself), I was involved in the live export demos of the 1990's and when me and Andy were first dating, most of our 'dates' were picketing somewhere, so you get the general idea, right, that walking into McDonalds is like, a big SIN. Luckily they did have a ramp so I could get to their cashiers without a problem. I ordered a large coffee to take my pills with and sat there thanking God I was in London and not Nottingham where someone I know might see me.
Anyway, the pills did their stuff a little so I then went and did some shopping (spent far too much, gulp - but only spent £15 on Andy and the rest on the girls). Went in 'Next' clothes store and bought big furry jumpers for each girl and when you've got 4 daughters, well, that on it's own came to £50. I am broke and will be for quite some time.
Then I went in a toy store and bought some dolls for DD4. She wanted 'Barbie' but Barbie is too expensive so I got a similar but smaller doll for less money, that has a toy horse with it, and then a male doll as well, to be the 'husband', lol, so I hope she isn't disappointed that it wasn't 'Barbie', but the prices for Barbie are obscene.
Ate out in another tacky fast food restaurant and then went back to the hotel, still feeling ill, so I ended up going to bed at 7pm, would you believe, with this headache, but at least it was in a posh room.
Got up next morning, headache had gone but was replaced by nausea so I took some more pills and resolved to go easy on my stomach for the day. Went to the hotel restaurant only to find that the only access was down a flight of steps so that pissed me off and I complained to one of those guy's in penquin coats that there was no access.
He helped me down the steps. He was completely gorgeous (20's or early 30's) and I was looking at him thinking, 'come and play with me in the lift' I've just been on my own for too long, LOL.
There was this buffet in the restaurant but I only had bread and fruit juice because of my bad stomach, and sat there listening to the music which was very nice.
Then I hailed a cab to the makeover studio and spent 5 hours there. First they showed me through to this lounge with big sofas and scatter cushions and this Chinese guy asked me if I wanted a drink. I just said water because I still didn't feel very well.
Then I got called through to the makeup artist and she did my makeup for me and curled my eyelashes etc. Then a hair stylist curled the ends of my hair and I went back to the lounge for a moment. This other woman piped up 'Wow, you look amazing!' She kept grinning at me from the other side of the room, and then offered for me to go on my appointment before her, which was nice.
I was introduced to the photographer and I showed her these 4 outfits I brought with me that are my favourite 'evening' wear and she showed me some accessories that she had and then she did the photo shoot and kept asking me to pose in all these different ways. There was pop music on in the background so I felt like a cover girl, LOL.
I've got this butterfly hairclip that I put on that looked really good and this really big necklace with purple beads - don't normally wear things round my neck but I wore it on this occasion.
They then did this slide show with about 40 pictures of me on it. I looked pretty good on most of them, not as good as pre-D but then I have had 4 years of stress, but I reckon I still looked good, considering.
Of course, they wanted me to buy loads of them and spend a fortune so I said no to all their prices (too much credit debt anyway) and was about to leave, when the lady said if I purchased 9 of them, she'd give me an extra 13 for free and with a free album. She said they don't normally give them away but she'd never had anyone say no before, LOL.
I agreed to that one, paid her the last of my Christmas money (an obscene amount of money but still hundreds of pounds cheaper than what she wanted to charge me) and my album of me will be arriving in 6 days time.
There's one of me with my hair done very '1940's' style and I'm wearing the big necklace and it does look quite 'Rita Hayworth'. Anyway, it now means I've got no money for my holiday next month so I have to finish my articles quick and hope they pay me in January.
I paid for my holiday by selling antiques, maybe I could raise the spending money by selling something else, LOL. I only need it for food and drink while we are there.
Anyway, my mini bug thing went away by the time I had the photo shoot so that was okay. That left me with half an hour to go back to the hotel and get my bags before leaving.
Andy phoned me and said he'd been trying to call but I didn't answer. I apologised and we talked about what time I would be arriving back. He sounded tired and stressed.
Got back later than planned, at 8.30pm and he was already waiting in his car outside the bus station. I apologised profusely and he walked towards me, smiling and said 'Wow, look at you!' I blushed. I was still done up like a movie star.
Got in the car and all the girls were singing Christmas songs at the tops of their voices, even though it's not December yet.
We got back to my house and Andy hid my shopping bags while I made him coffee. Then I told them about my trip and he said I was 'mad' for getting the photographs, which of course, he is right about, but this is definitely a one time only thing. I'm getting older, anyway, so I won't look good enough in a few years time!
He complimented me on my shoes (bright pink, LOL) - I've worn them before so I don't know why this is the first time he noticed.
We talked about DD4's Christmas Concert and my upcoming holiday and the girls messed up my entire living room in only an hour.
Then he said, 'see you on Wednesday', and I was like, you what? And he said I was having the girls on Wednesday while he does probate stuff about his dad. I told him I couldn't remember that.
He said I agreed before. I said 'Did I?' Can't for the life of me remember us arranging that, so he left and I felt a bit overwhelmed because of it being sprung on me and a bit panicky because something usually goes wrong, so I ended up fretting over it all night and then wrecked the DB'ing by phoning him this morning to say I wasn't sure and then all my insecurities over them and Christmas and everything came out at once.
I told him he had dozens of women who could look after them and I am just another woman in the long line of women so he didn't need me for them at all. He denied this and said it wasn't like that and he did need me for them.
I asked if Rose would be there at Christmas. He said probably, for a bit, since she lives there. I said 'So that means that EX-OW1 will be coming in on Christmas Day to see her daughter?' He said maybe. I told him I can't do it and that I'd rather he and the girls came to mine. He said 'I just suggested it because I have more space for all of us; I was trying to be helpful.' I told him I couldn't put up with it if EX-OW1 walked into the room on Christmas Day, it was bad enough the last time and that wasn't Christmas then. He said 'Christmas is supposed to be about good will and forgiveness. It's over between me and her and has been for ages. Why can't you just forgive her?'
Forgive her!? He wants me to forgive the woman who not only slept with my husband while we were still legally married, but also testified against me in court, helped him take my DD away from me and lied under oath. Wonderful, of course I can forgive her. I told him I could be polite to her, civil, but that forgiveness was stretching it too far.
Then I told him I had to go out. So I don't know what's happening tomorrow. He sounded annoyed, but I don't care. I am getting hurt and am not going to be anymore.
I'm glad you had a nice time in London. It seems like we have to take risks - like venturing away from one's comfort zone - in order to grow or experience true living.
I wonder if Andy's emphasis of forgiveness (e.g. pressing you to forgive your Mother, now Ex-OW1) is really about his fear that you won't ever let go/forgive him of past hurts. It may be safer to discuss another than himself. Regardless, I'm glad that you have set boundaries rather than let him sit comfortably having his cake and eating it, too.
Last night at 10pm Andy phoned me. I didn't answer because I knew it was him and didn't much feel like talking. He sounded tired and said I hadn't phoned him (didn't know I was meant to), and he was going to bring the girls over at 10am next day.
I didn't phone back, and went to bed, still ill.
He dropped them off at about 11am. I was paying bills and doing financial stuff. I should have been working on the newsletter as last posting date is soon and I am worried about going over my deadline, but with the kids here I decided I wouldn't.
I did join authors den for extra book marketing publicity prior to Christmas, and spent some time on that while they were playing with toys. I feel really ill (nausea) and DD4 is hot and has a bad cough so we didn't feel like doing anything active.
Then DD1 says she has £10 and wants to buy a Christmas present for daddy so I had an idea. There was this item I had to take back to Next because it was faulty so I told her if she gave me her £10 for the cab fares, I would pay for her to get a present for daddy on my card, whatever she wanted in store as long as it wasn't expensive.
She agreed and all of them wanted to come out with me so she paid for the cab and we all went to Next, I returned my item and then we looked around for her daddy's present.
She is terrible for making her mind up about things! First we looked in the menswear dept and she was uming and ahhing over the socks and slippers, then she looked at the gadgets (romote control cars, casino games etc for men), then she said no, I don't like this, lets go in the home furnishings dept. So we looked at cushions for his sofa and she said 'no, I hate those furry ones, they look like a sheeps bum.'
So I suggested what about a wall clock? She said no. Picture frames? no, didn't like them either. We looked at chocolates, she still couldn't make up her mind, much much worse than me.
DD3 asked if she could get something for him so she chose a teddy with some chocolates, that her and DD2 and DD4 will give him together.
Then DD1 said lets go back in menswear so we started looking at clothes. Everything I suggested, she said, 'he doesn't like that', or, 'he wouldn't like that.' So I found this top I thought he would like, and she said 'I don't know if he'd wear it.'
She was like a typical woman, y'know, going 'should I buy the pink or the green?' while the man stares at his watch and wonders when he can eat, LOL. I laughed at her and said, 'DD1, you're terrible.'
In the end, she gave up on the clothes and went back to home furnishings and found these candles she wanted to get him (he likes candles, his house is full of them).
So anyway, we purchased the candles and the teddy and chocolates and some blue wrapping paper ('because blue is for boys', said DD1) and went home and they all wrapped them themselves (DD4 got a bit of help from her older sisters) and I gave them some cards to fill out for him and for the neighbour's kids, and we went over the road to deliver them to the neighbour's.
Then they watched a film, we ate spaghetti which DD3 helped me cook, and Andy phoned saying can I have them overnight because he's still busy. I said yes but don't come back till the afternoon as I'm out in the morning. So I got my night dresses for DD1 and DD2 again, and found a pair that said age 5-6 years for DD3, that Alicia normally wears, and they've gone to bed now.
GG, Glad you had such a fun day with your DDs. It's a day that they will remember always, I'm sure. You're a great mom!!! Don't let Andy's "future" craziness get in the way of that.
I could never get my D to cook with me. She still doesn't cook and she's in college. Good thing she has roommates that like cooking.
Good thing she has roommates that like cooking.