I am feeling really down today. I had this horrible nightmare last night and woke up feeling upset and hopeless, it's silly really, as it's only a nightmare, but it has wrecked my mood. I get them so frequently it just annoys me (about 2 or 3 a month).
I saw this penis (don't know whose it was, it didn't seem to be attached to a man) but instead of semen, there was blood pouring out of it until it filled up the entire room. Ugh.
Then there was Andy asking me to watch the kids. I said yes. Then he's crying and I ask what is wrong and he says he can't cope, that CPS are going to put the kids in foster care because of some child protection issue, I don't know what, it wasn't made clear in the dream. So I agree to take the kids to avoid them being put in foster care, and he's crying and saying 'Now you can have DD3 back.'
Then I find DD1 and she's crying so I ask what the matter is and she says that she's crying because daddy is having an operation (a V). I say to him that I can't look after the kids if he's going to do that because I don't want him to have one. I want to be with someone who can give me marriage and a baby.
He turns nasty and says it doesn't matter, that he doesn't need me to look after the kids anyway because he's got all these OW who can do it.
Then I woke up, close to tears. Ugh.
Okay, I am a wuss. It's only a nightmare and not real so who cares? Except he is booked for a V in January, and no, I don't like it. I have missed my children growing up. I feel robbed of the whole experience. I want it again, with somebody who wants me.
It made me feel so hopeless, like I am wasting my time even with the kids because he DOES have all these OW who can look after them.
That then got me panicking about Christmas, and whether Rose will be there, and whether he will be awful to me like last time and now I am re-considering whether I want to go there - except if I don't, I miss out on the whole Christmas Eve wrapping presents scenario which I haven't done for years for them and which I was excited about.
I mean, that's why I've got a scar on my wrist because I was daydreaming about it whilst ironing. I LOVED the idea. Now I'm just thinking, 'help - he's going to make me bleed. I can't do it' etc etc.
Took DD4 to nursery this afternoon and found out that she's singing in the Christmas Concert on 16th December which is what would have been mine and Andy's 10th wedding anniversary. It's also the day we're going on holiday - we catch a train straight after the concert.
I felt as if I would cry when they told me the date - she will be solo singing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'.
I phoned Andy to tell him about the concert and ask if he wanted to attend. He said yes. So me, him and our 3 older children will be watching DD4 in the concert on our 'would have been' 10th wedding anniverary, the first one where I haven't been married. I was still his wife last year.
I have no idea how I will get through that day.
I walked home from the nursery feeling as if I am the only divorced woman in the world and everyone else has husbands who love them so 'what the hell is wrong with me?'
What should I do about Christmas? Should I say I don't want to go there or not?
Or do you think I'm just on a downer over the nightmare?
I am so ungrateful for the blessings in my life. I've been working all day on formatting the newsletter, and the phoneline work. I'm also doing stacks of pre-Christmas publicity, I'm going to London in 2 days, I have a holiday after that - WHY do I feel like this? I was okay yesterday, and he hasn't been mean today.
