I agree with Ellie. He informed you as DD3s mother of this charge/court appearance, and is putting his neck out to speak the truth. I'd validate him for that.
God, I hate this. I'm in tears again because they've gone and I always cry after they've left no matter how many times I see them.
I only don't cry if I don't see them. People always said it would get easier, that it would stop. 4 years later and I'm still crying and finding every visit with them agonizing.
The only other way I stopped the crying was maxing out on anti-D's (because then I was so dizzy and out of it I didn't care) - I don't want to do that again.
DD2 upset me even though she was being nice, I burnt myself by accident, I have an appalling headache, don't have a clue what to do about Andy, as usual he is confusing me. Generally feel as if I am getting the flu.
I wasn't going to write anymore updates as I'm worried that people are sick of me (or to be more accurate, sick of him) and I know there isn't much advice people can give in a sitch as complex as mine, yet somehow I find writing it down, theraputic.
If, however, you are all tearing your hair out and wanting to stab me or Andy with your Turkey knifes, please tell me and I'll shutup.
DD4 still wasn't back by 3.15pm yesterday so I phoned him to ask his expected time of arrival. He stated he was on his way and was just stopping to get fuel for the car.
He arrived at about 4pm, looking shattered, and fell asleep on my sofa. All the girls were playing around me and making masses of noise and I had the headache from hell and had been drinking peppermint tea to get rid of it, but they brought it all back with their noisy play, LOL.
Plus I am now sporting a scar on my left wrist from where I burnt myself, about 4 cm across, which is quite painful, so I hope that goes away in a few weeks. I ran it under cold water for several minutes like you are supposed to.
What with that and the raging headache, I felt really down.
Andy had been in court all morning regarding the sex abuse allegations that had been made against his friend, J, and involved our DD3, and which were obviously completely false, so he was really tired.
DD3 was jumping around like tigger and grinning at me constantly, not the actions of a child who has been molested at all.
When Andy woke up, I made him some peppermint tea too and he told me that the case was worse than ours and he was really scared, and V's barrister cross-examined him, which was horrible, but since he was in attendance in the day in question, and he knew J was innocent, he knew exactly what to say.
He didn't know the outcome, as in the UK, Custody hearings are private and any witnesses are only allowed in to speak their bit and then they have to leave again, so he left as soon as they'd finished questioning him and he says it may be several more months of hearings - his part is over at least.
Apparently the custody was never contested. The mother, V, will have custody, but she has made these allegations because she says she doesn't want J to have any access to his children at all. I actually find that disgusting, but am still surprised that Andy agreed to testify, given all the problems we've had and how much he hates that court.
I told him that I thought he had guts and if that had been me I would have chickened out. I feel for him as V was his friend too.
Anyway, my headache was so bad I was just sitting there feeling awful, so he asked me what I was thinking and I said 'nothing.' - I wasn't really in a chatty mood, as you can imagine, so he started doing this really childish thing.
You know how when kids want something they just say the same thing over and over again until you give in? Well, he started doing that and asking me repeatedly what I was thinking. I told him to shutup several times but he didn't.
DD2 said 'Now now, children, stop fighting.', so even she thought he was being childish!
He must have said the same thing 100 times. I tried to cover his mouth but he carried on so I got this flower that was on my kitchen table and tried to stuff that in his mouth to get him to shutup. The kids were all roaring with laughter.
I asked him to babysit this Saturday to Monday and he asked where I was going so I reminded him of my trip to London and told him about the makeover session and how they are going to make me look great, as I am looking a bit older after these traumatic 4 years, LOL.
He grinned at me and said I looked okay, that I should get more sleep and stop staying up till 2am. Then he made this comment about how I always have more 'cleavage' when I'm pregnant (he's right, my breasts are tiny; the only time they ever look impressive is when I'm breast feeding, LOL), then he added 'But let's not put them through that for a few years, huh?'
(WHAT????).
I was thinking, what? Are you telling me you want a baby in a few years? That's what it sounded like, and what with that time we ML and he tried it on with no contraception, I think he might be getting broody. The man's crazy. I mean, he gave me the brush off and treated me awful after that operation (admittedly, he apologised afterwards and said it was because he'd been in his dad's house all day), and he said he didn't want me etc etc, yet he is still saying weird stuff like that.
I truly don't get it unless he is just mean when he's been smoking dope and nice the rest of the time. That would make sense.
Anyway, I made no comment to his 'in a few years' remark about pregnancy.
The girls were getting hungry so he and DD2 went out to get chips and we all ate together. They were saying they were still hungry so Andy said there was some cake at his house they could have when they got back.
Then DD2 pipes up 'Daddy, lets take mum home with us then she can have some cake too.' I said, 'It's okay, DD2.'
But she carried on and on about it and wouldn't let it drop and I felt as if she was pressuring Andy, that he might think I put her up to it, and I felt genuinely very embarrassed. I ended up snapping at her 'Just stop it, DD2!' Then I felt guilty because she was only trying to be nice.
I thought that was it, but then she carried on. Andy has a relative who has a beach house in Spain and she's told him he can borrow the beach house for holidays if he wants, so DD2 started up about taking me to Tenerife! 'Daddy, let's take mummy and go and live in Tenerife.'
I told her to stop talking about it, I was so uncomfortable.
His answer to that was that he 'hadn't even sold the house yet' and wasn't even thinking about Tenerife at this moment. Honestly, I didn't know where to look, I felt quite upset as she spent the whole afternoon match making and piling the pressure on.
I know she's only 8 and her intention is good, but boy was I embarrassed.
Andy could see it was bugging me so he said to her 'Mummy will come to ours for Christmas.' Then he asked me 'When are you coming over?' I said I thought we had agreed on Christmas Eve, so he said that was fine.
I asked him to bring me some files I need for work, as I'm running into problems with the Christmas newsletter, so he said he'd bring them over - hopefully not too late as I have deadlines.
I was in floods of tears after they left. I really like having my whole family there and then when they go it's agony, it never gets any easier, but then I was feeling ill so that doesn't help.
You are always welcome to post. Please don't hesitate, as there are no simple sitches. All of ours have their complexities.
I get anxious as well, when S6 starts playing matchmaker. For me, its more of a worry that XW will experience this as pressure, and will spin that much further away. On the other hand, its likely important for the WAS to see the effect they're having on the kids, and to see their child's happiness when things are pleasant.
I loved the playfulness I saw in your post. I think that playfulness or lightness has a very important role. Its hard to bring about when the WAS or the LBS is struggling with depression, but really helps bring about hope when its present. Nicely done with the flower!
Jo, I have no advice on your stitch. I wish you the best in life, you deserve nothing less. When I read about you burning your wrist, it made me think of something that has always helped me. I have found that pouring vanilla extract on the minor burns when they happen takes the sting out of it. Don't ask me how, but it works for me. I make sure that I always have it around. Hope you have a good day. Linda
I've never heard of using vanilla extract but I'll try that if there ever is a next time (hope not).
I have got some aloe vera cream which I'm putting on it, but didn't put anything on the first day as it was too sore.
I was day dreaming about finally getting to spend Christmas with my kids (hasn't happened since before the split) and I just caught the side of my wrist on the iron when I was ironing DD4's clothes.
That'll teach me to fantasize around hot irons, LOL.
Yeah the thing with the flower was funny. It was left over from that huge bunch of flowers the hospital gave me, the only one still alive.
There was something else I forgot to mention, too. Right after that goofing around, I decided that I'd do some cheese impressions so I curled up into a ball and put my bright red sofa cushion over my face and then asked him and the kids to guess what sort of cheese I was.
Andy got it straight away and said, 'Edam!'
Then I asked DD3 if she'd join in with me and I bent her head down and ruffled her hair several times. He didn't get that one. She was parmesan
Jo, We all want you to keep posting, it is theraputic for us to read your post also. You are a very talented writer so there is no way to get sick of you posting.
I feel like we are somewhat in the same boat. My XW is alot like Andy. She ML to me, snuggles for a few days then runs away for one reason or another.
About 2 weeks ago she got an email from a guy she went to grade school with, now she acts like I don't exsist. What on earth can a married man with two kids 1500 miles away provide for her? I think she is less mature than a teenager. (I remember getting crushes on several girls at the same time or dating one for awhile then dating someone else next month)
Well, he's found this site so I expect he will now read this thread so of course now I will put nothing but compliments Perhaps I should change my name to Mrs J, LOL, or even 'Andy's ex', that has a nice ring to it.
Darling, if you're reading this, what do you reckon? How about 'Lunatic ex-wife?'
Anyway, update. He phoned this morning in response to a text I sent him asking for those work files I need for my Christmas newsletter. He said he thought I would be out. I was supposed to be out but when the alarm went off at 7.30 this morning I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. It was cold and dark and raining and DD4 was still asleep so I figured we'd miss dance class for today. It just didn't seem tempting.
He said he had the disc and could bring it round this morning.
He arrived at 10.30am and that's when he found this thread as I'd left all my windows up from the night before He smiled at me and said 'Divorce Busting??' I kinda laughed and shut down the window. Lets hope he doesn't ban me from the house when he reads all the fallings out we have had, on here
Oh well, he can't ban me as I'm paying for the Christmas dinner
He started installing all the programmes onto my computer and we chatted about some pre-Christmas publicity I'm planning for my books. Then DD4 gave him a card she drew for him this morning and sat on his knee.
I got him a coffee and we sorted out times etc for this weekend. I asked him if he'd pick me up from the bus station on Monday night as I will be loaded with presents and won't be able to walk up the hill with all of them.
He said yes. Then he warned me 'not to go overboard' with the present buying and not to get him anything expensive. I told him I wasn't going to as I don't have the money to go overboard, just a couple of things for each girl, something small for him and a couple of photographs of me after my makeover, which is my present to myself
I told him not to worry, I have sorted the food - it will all be delivered direct to my door and I'll take it to his on Christmas Eve. I just need him to buy the alcohol as I'm not getting that as well (money won't stretch that far).
Dear, if you're reading this, please buy me a large bottle of Bailey's (and some Irish coffee and some chocolates ).
Anyway, while he was here, my post arrived, including some balloons and stuff from the Homeless Charity, Shelter. I am going to make the girls donate their pocket money to Shelter this year to help the homeless and other needy children so we are going to have a themed Shelter Christmas Party. I will be asking my friends etc to donate money to Shelter instead of giving me a present.
The trouble is, both me and Andy can't blow up balloons (don't ask me why, we just can't), but DD1 can so Andy said that she could do all the balloons for us.
Andy missed his college this morning (freezing, horrible day - he couldn't get out of bed either), so we chatted for a bit. Then he had to go because he's running another home ed meeting now. He said he'd install more programmes another day. He hasn't explained how to do it so I hope I figure this out as I have hundreds of e-newsletters to send.
I said I'd call him on my cell phone to let him know what time the bus arrives back on Monday.
Then I took DD4 to nursery and it downpoured on us. My hair is soaking, my coat is soaking, my jeans are sticking to me, they are so water logged. The poor thing looked like a drowned rat when we got there.
He smiled at me and said