Quote: I can't go to bars/clubs on my own, or the cinema, or a restaurant. These are things you do as a couple, and at any rate, I am scared of being attacked.
I'm going to have to call you on this, Jo. You are an incredibly courageous person when it comes to business and your kids. It will take similar bravery to get your needs met. Let Andy go, drop the rope, and get on with living a FULL life, including the prospect of receiving love that you deserve.
There are many men out there who won't waste an evening with a beautiful woman dressed in red lingerie by smoking dope like a knucklehead. Let the right man find you by getting yourself out there, when you are ready.
Well I tried these things before and on one trip I went on, this guy accosted me at a train station, kept putting his hand on my leg (without my permission), told me he would get on my train and follow me to the town I was going, tried to remove my 17 month old baby from her stroller, referred to himself as her 'daddy' etc etc. The staff called security but they couldn't find him.
Then, just 2 days later, I was followed back from a Christmas Eve Party and molested by a guy who was drunk, who just happened to be a member of staff, on the holiday camp I was at. I didn't report him, I was too ashamed, and spent half of Christmas Day in tears (that was in 2003 and the first time I had tried to socialise without Andy).
I'm disabled; the way I see it, I am a sitting duck, a target. Enough women get raped (1 in every 4, I was a counsellor for Rape Crisis), and I have already been sexually attacked once. My worry is, if I attempt to get a regular social life on my own, another creep might come along and finish the job off. I don't know how to feel safe, I can't even run if necessary.
I've never met anybody decent (aside from you guys on here).
Either that or everyone notices you're 'on your own' and everywhere you go, as soon as you walk into a room, people stare at you.
When I was in Cyprus, every time I went to the restaurant, people would come up to me and say, 'oh dear, are you on your own?' and I always got these married couples latching onto me so at the table would be me, DD4, and this couple in their 50's or 60's.
I began to feel like Shirley Valentine every time I went anywhere, as if it's an illness not to be joined at the hip to a man.
It seems perfectly ok for a guy to be in his 30's and single, but if a woman is late twenties, early 30's and single, people think it's abnormal. I hated being stared at every time I ordered a table for just me and DD4. I only eat out when on holiday now.
Having said all that, it hasn't put me off completely as I intend to eat at a pizza bar when I go to London soon and just before Christmas I will be away with DD4 for 4 days and will have a drink in this family bar. It's always packed with people.
BTW, I wasn't wearing the red lingerie at Andy's (never got chance). On the first night I was wearing jeans and a multi-coloured jumper, second night I was wearing a tracksuit (as it's loose fitting and I was sore from the operation) - but he wouldn't notice me anyway, too busy persisting in his friendships with all his women and getting off his face on those awful cigarettes.
Jo, Is there any reason why you can't carry MACE or Pepper Spray? If so, do it and never leave the house without it!! I carry mine on my car key ring. I've only had to use it once and that was on a dog that was trying to get to me while I was out walking.
As far as everyone staring at you.....just smile.:D You are so beautiful that just maybe they're looking at your face and not your disability.
Have you thought about volunteering at a local school to help kids read? Or possibly, a retirement center to help with elderly people? Maybe a card club. That would put you into contact with other adults.
Well, outside I can't walk unaided (have to lean on a walking aid, balance too poor) so if I was attacked, I couldn't get anything out of my pocket or bag because I need both hands to stay standing up.
I could buy a rape alarm and wear it round my neck, I suppose, but then they could use that to strangle me with. I don't wear necklaces unless out with friends as that can be used to choke people with, and I'm the same with scarves.
I feel safest in my house as there's panic alarms in every room, it's linked to the police station and there's an intercom in my hallway. I'd feel safer meeting a guy at home than I would in a bar.
In fact, I was chatting to one on my intercom just earlier! He shouted 'hello!' at me when I was just sitting down to eat this plate of fries. I was mightily annoyed that I'd just sat down to eat, and then he interupted, so we got talking and DD4 was looking really puzzled because of the man's voice in the wall, LOL, and by the time he'd gone, my dinner was cold.
Not really the way to meet anybody, though.
You can't volunteer to work with kids unless you're employed as a classroom assistant as far as I'm aware, with relevant teaching/childcare qualifications.
I could volunteer to go on the parent committee at my DD4's nursery, though.
It doesn't work with elderly people as I am not any better at walking than most of them and the care homes want you to do gardening, go on trips with them etc and old people stop me in the street to see if I want help crossing the road, I have thought about making them a Christmas hamper with delicious food in, as a season of goodwill gesture.
The only other voluntry stuff round here is a job at the food coop, selling cheap food to poor families. I could do that, I suppose.
Of course, I could employ some of my own volunteers for my organisation. That would be a way to meet people, or I could start doing public meetings again, but money is very tight, that's the only thing.
My friend is involved with Greenpeace - maybe I could join that and get arrested for absailing up office blocks Ah, that would be remenisent of my teenage years
Jo I'm gonna step out on a limb here.I hope you dont take offence with me.( I have a fever so bare with me.)
I to was assulted years ago. It was brutal.And I did put myself in the postion that lead to my attack.Now when I go out I do certain things that keep me safe.
For instance I never leave my drink unatteded.If I need to put it down to shoot pool I put in under the pool table where I'm taking my shot.If someone were to put something in it I would know.
When I go to a restarant I greet the waitress by name.That way you make a connection to the waitress and when someone bothers me they notice.
When on the bus or train sit close to the driver if possible.
When walking stay on the crowded side of the street.Safety in numbers.Sounds counterproductive but it isn't.
I go out a couple of times a week.Often by myself.The trick is to look comfortable with it.I think fear has a scent that weirdos can smell.
You can let what happen to you keep you locked in your house.But that gives that person the power.
Having a disability and being afraid is not a reason to let yourself miss out on things.
It will be scary to do it the first couple of times.But with practice you will get more comfortable with it.And after a time you will enjoy it.
I started going out to restarants and pubs by myself when I didn't know anyone.Not one soul here.Now I have a group of people who I can call to go out with.
I know it is scary.So try a baby step.Just one.See how that goes.
I'm off to get some tea.I have a sore throat.
Later friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Sorry about you being ill. Hope you're better soon.
XH was my first love ever (and I was his). I was 16 and he was a taxi driver who got the contract to drive me 2 hours every day, 5 days a week. I did know him prior to that (but hated him, LOL) so essentially I didn't have to 'date' as such. 7 months after we became a couple, we moved in together.
I was so sick (physically) with hyperacusis that I wasn't able to go to bars/clubs, so that wasn't something we ever did. Managed to be well enough to go to a restaurant or cinema once every 2 or 3 months. That was the only social life I got (in the evenings). It just became a habit to NOT go anywhere, and when he left I was so depressed I couldn't for a long time.
Alicia of course was born 3 months after he went and then there's the whole babysitting thing to take into account. What with those scary incidents with men, it shook my already battered confidence.
I know my friend would only look after her maybe once a month. It's not feasible to me as a single mother to expect a 'night life' more than that, unless I took her with me. I sometimes take her to that spiritual group I go to but that's awkward as it doesn't finish till 9pm so she gets very tired/bored.
About 18 months ago I did start attending some of the local activities held in my area (once the depression started lifting), so we go to 3 different things a week now, and I started college part-time, but my babysitter fell through so I've not been for ages. I will have to talk to them about possibly getting funded childcare.
There is a walking club here - apparently they do 'short and gentle' walks, and since me and DD4 walk everywhere I thought I might enquire if we could join; it would be more fun walking with other people than on our own.
I also found the Friends of the Earth group which is in central Nottingham. If I could persuade my friend to babysit, I could go there for the evening, once a month.
Anyway, to my GAL update:
Took DD4 to dance class this morning and we met a little 2 year old lad who has CP (same disability as me), through being premature (same reason as me). I've never met anyone else who had it, even if he is only 2, so I spent the morning playing with him, LOL.
He can't walk yet but he makes up for that by talking, A LOT. I couldn't walk either till I was 5, so I reckon he'll get there. Chatted to his mother for ages.
Went to the grocery store and the cashier in there told me that she'd saved a bag of clothes for DD4 at her house and would bring them in next time, so that was nice. Bought DD4 some gloves as it's FREEZING in this country now!
Noticed a poster for a Christmas Fair on 2nd December. Decided to go to that and see if I meet anymore locals.
Took DD4 to nursery and when I got home, I found a card from CARE fertility (IVF clinic) with a picture of this baby sitting on a lilly pad in the middle of a pond, and a message saying thank you.
They already gave me the flowers and I wasn't expecting anything else. No one evers sends me cards, not even on my birthday, so that had me in tears, LOL
Made some big sales to 2 alternative health clinics, for my books, so I'm pleased with that.
I have thought about making them a Christmas hamper with delicious food in, as a season of goodwill gesture.