The way I see it is, he's already driven me to 3 suicide attempts and 2 hospitalisations - admittedly they all date in 2002 and prior, but there have been several times since I have been almost driven crazy and at least twice this year where I've thought I simply can't take anymore.
That time he backed off again in April, I didn't eat or sleep for 4 days. The way I see it, if I stay around he will drive me insane and then end up with DD4, which is how he got DD3 and basically how he got all of them now I think of it.
Then none of them will have a mother and it'll be even worse than now. Every time he is in my life, doing things like this, it impacts on DD4 as I'm crying in front of her, snapping, not paying attention etc etc. She's all I have left so I want to make it work with her.
She lives with me and I want her life to be happy. I also know the limited involvement I get with my other DD's is so little that I couldn't make any difference to their lives; certainly I have no say in how they're brought up so I can't counter anything even if he is a bad parent.
Whenever I try to have more of a say, there is always hell to pay, and I am truly exhausted of court hearings etc. I first went to court aged 24. I'm not giving away anymore of my life for pointless hearings where no one will listen anyway. He knows how to manipulate the system just like he manipulates me.
I wanted them to be schooled, the court wouldn't listen. I am not allowed a copy of their education report because they don't reside with me and when I asked, I was told to ask Andy. He runs the local home ed group so I can't attend that.
I was not included in any of DD2's psychology sessions, although the psychologist did let me know she was attending.
I cannot take them to the GP if they are sick, as they don't live with me and when DD1 broke her elbow, I phoned the hospital for information and they wouldn't tell me how she was without father's permission.
I am never invited to any Christmases or anything else, although he does come here sometimes if I ask him to bring them.
When my DD's learn how to write, he didn't send me any of their work. They lost baby teeth, I didn't know.
He lets me have 'visitation' sometimes (not amounting to more than 1 day a week unless he's got something on), and even then, strictly policed by what I can and cannot do with them, and he lets me buy them things. He always accepts clothing and shoes that I get for them, and has nagged me to take them on holiday once a year - I suppose so he doesn't have to pay for it.
You tell me how I can raise kids like that? I am SO unhappy and it isn't fair on DD4. I told him the night I came home from the egg donation, that he was driving me so crazy, he'd end up taking our girls to visit me in a cemetary because I am just going insane.
I wouldn't turn them away if they needed me, but I'm not going out of my way to be there when that means jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I've had counselling (numerous times), anti-depressants (numerous kinds), group therapy, life-coaching (2 years worth) and all the DB'ing I can handle. I don't know how else to help myself or them.
When he returned DD4 this evening, he also returned two of my jumpers (that the girls had borrowed), and included 2 of his dad's Christmas puddings, some custard and an apology for his behaviour - well, I've heard it all before. I've a good mind to make up the custard and pour it over his head
Then he gave me his safety seat for DD4 and a load of cardboard and said could I store it here for a bit as he has nowhere to put it while he is shifting his dad's furniture. I told him he was being rude and presuming but he left it here anyway.
DD4 told me that DD1 is coming to stay here. I haven't heard anything about this so I asked her why she thought that and she said that daddy told her in the car on the way here that DD1 was coming to stay here.
