Dope is weed, y'know, cannabis, which is actually legal in the UK now since they changed the law recently. It is legal to have a small amount on you to smoke, but illegal to poscess large quantities or to sell it on. It's one of the more mild drugs.
He started smoking it when he was 15, not helped by the fact that his step-father does. I put up with it till he was 22, then he took me to this dope party at his parent's house and one of the men got so stoned and drunk, he stumbled into our DD's bedroom, woke them up and scared them (they were then aged 2 and a half years and about 8 months old).
My babies were crying and I was furious so I told Andy never to smoke again. He didn't until just a few months before he left me, when apparently he took it up in secret and used polo mints to disguise the smell.
I thought until the last few days that it was just a very ocassional thing (as when we used to house share in 2003 I only ever saw him smoke about twice), but on these 2 recent visits to his house, he has been smoking ALL THE TIME.
He smoked it right after breakfast (not a good sign), every time Rose or EX-OW1 come in (about 3 times) he smoked it with them, he smoked it in front of our children (when he always told me he didn't - and he told me before that he would only smoke in the garden, he didn't, then in the evenings he was smoking all night on both evenings, except for when he was eating his meal.
He smoked it when I was having a miscarriage, he smoked it right after I'd come out of hospital from a general anasthetic.
It was like he was a completely different person when in his home than how he behaves when he visits mine. He also evidently is still emotionally attached to EX-OW1 even though there is no physical R anymore, as he spent more time with her after I came home from surgery, than me.
He leaves the kids with her all the time, from what I saw (instead of me), and even when I do have them and do fun stuff with them like baking, he still criticizes me, this time because I don't phone them in between times.
Well, he doesn't phone DD4 ever except on her birthday and whenever I phoned in the past, I always got one of his OW, so that just upset me and I stopped calling. I'm not going to phone ever, and this is another one of his control things. He's always going to find some deficite with my parenting, no matter what I do or whether I phoned them or not.
Would you believe that he cited me disagreeing over DD1 having earrings as a reason why we can't be together (that was in April 05, for heaven's sake!). He cites little, tiny, unimportant things like that from MONTHS and MONTHS ago to justify sleeping with me and then running off.
I told him that was pathetic, and that earrings didn't even matter in the scheme of things, and that he was expecting a partner and a mother for his children to literally agree with EVERYTHING he thinks regarding them.
That's why I just can't be there for them and don't plan on being a part of their lives; I know some people on here think harshly of me for not trying to see them more, but he's so freaking controlling that I can't. If he can get so het up about me telling my DD1 not to wear earrings (which I can, she is after all my DD), then I just can't put myself through the stress of trying to parent them.
I am far, far happier and calmer when all of them are not there, because I have peace then, a break from his constant criticisms and from being talked down to, I can do what I like, when I like and not have someone telling me how crap I am. I would be miserable for the next 15 years if I had to parent them like that. I just won't do it, they are his excuse to be emotionally cruel to me.
When I reminded him that I tried to be there for him when his dad died, he just rounded on me that 'it wasn't that difficult' for me. The man just doesn't think about any other human being, only his own needs. I said, 'Andy, your father died, I was having a miscarriage, I was looking after the kids all the time for you and never once did you ask how I was with losing this baby, now you just compare me to EX-OW1 and tell me she is better at looking after our children.'
He cringed when I said that but didn't say anything in response.
I can't, I just can't. Seeing him and how he is at his home, and how he couldn't even be there for me when I'm having surgery, his obviously strong friendship with OW, the smoking, the drugs, the indifference.
I am walking away from the lot of them, I have to for my own sanity. Since I realised that after thinking about it for the last couple of days, I have felt so much calmer and more at peace with myself.
I am only 28, I could start again at this young age, with every aspect of my life. I could change my job, go volunteering in the rainforest or something (I have seen placements advertised for 4 to 6 weeks, and they give you all the training etc), I could carry on writing, broaden my social circle, meet somebody new and maybe even have a family with someone who actually wants me to be a mother.
I am sure, even with R's being uncertain, I would not find someone that treats me as bad as Andy, again.
I've got my trip to London, my makeover, and a holiday coming up in the next few weeks which I am really looking forward to, my books are just coming out right now, my DD is going to star in the pre-school Christmas Concert and they're making it into a DVD. I completed my dream of being an egg donor, I have DOZENS of reasons to be happy, and I could be happy all the time if I just let go of the crazy idea that I am part of his family.
I can make my own family. I need to do this or I will just go under; I have invested 4 years of my life trying to fix a situation and to mother my non-custodial children, and that in my opinion is about 2 years too long. I won't find love and happiness, and have a family that I can actually be part of until I let go of this.
I wanted to carry on trying but seeing what he is like and still being put down after everything I have tried to do for all of them these last few weeks, I have genuinely had enough this time.
From now on it will be about me and DD4 and only us.
