I'm back, the operation is done. Actually I have decided I can't be with Andy like this. It's too much work and I'm not happy and..well, anyway, I thought I'd write an account of my operation.
Then I'm going to just keep up the Dream thread because people seem to like that, but I'm not going to journal my sitch with Andy as I just want off the rollercoaster. So this is my last personal account.
I went to Andy's town and DD1 met me outside the court house (useful land mark). We went to Andy's place and he was sorting out all furniture and stuff from his dad's house. I met Alan (Rose's bf).
EX-OW1 came round to pick up a TV that was Andy's dad's that she wanted. I hated her being there but was polite nonetheless. They both smoked in the kitchen for ages. Needless to say I didn't join in.
Later on after she'd gone we watched films. There was no physical 'action' like I originally thought as he was so stoned from the drugs that he couldn't get it up, and admitted this was the case. I just laughed and said well you won't be able to for 6 weeks now so you've been let off the hook.
We talked about Andy's dad's personal effects (he had 15 Christmas puddings in his cupboard - he was obviously planning a BIG Christmas party this year). We talked about my upcoming operation.
Andy bought me a chocolate bar because he said I was on food curfew from midnight so to make the most of it. I thanked him for it.
I went to sleep on the sofa. He went upstairs.
In the morning I got up at 6.30 so I could have a cup of tea before the 7 o clock no fluid curfew. I intended to just leave before any of them woke up, but Andy got up at 7 o clock (very unlike him) and said he didn't want me to go to the hospital without him saying goodbye.
He wrapped a blanket round us and we cuddled/kissed for 1 hour until the cab arrived at 8. Then I kissed him goodbye, put on his jumper and rushed out of the door. My DD's were standing upstairs in their PJ's asking why I was wearing daddy's clothes. I told them because I am having an operation.
Got to the hospital late (traffic queues miles long), and was told to report to Byron ward, which I did do. A nurse asked a few questions, tagged my arm with ID and a warning label saying I react to anasthetics. Then I was told to undress and put on this gown and dressing gown.
I sat there in a chair for a bit. There was a satillite TV but I was too scared to watch any.
Then they wheeled me to the operating room in a wheelchair and this woman in scrubs checked my warning label and went off to converse with the surgeons about what other drugs they would give me to counteract side effects. All these surgeons were milling around in hats with multi-coloured frogs on, hat isn't the right word, but it goes round their head). There was classical music on but I was terrified, and clutching Andy's jumper like a comfort blanket.
They then asked me to get on the operating table, which was really narrow with huge lights overhead and at this point I lost my nerve a little. I got on the table but then flipped out about falling off the table. All these nurses were round me, saying 'you aren't going to fall, it's okay.'
Then this surgeon came up to me and said 'You're donating eggs, that's good of you.' My legs were in this missionary position and I was looking up at these lights glaring at me and I suddenly thought, 'I wonder if now is a good time to back out.'
He told me that he was the one who was going to remove the eggs and then he put a drip in my arm and a heart monitor on me. He said the drip would sting but I didn't feel any pain.
As soon as the drugs went in, I started tripping and all the nurses walked away and I was on this table, tripping like I was on E, terrified I was going to fall, and I just shouted 'Hand!!' at them and they got it and came back and held my hand.
Then I felt a bit whoozy and got vague consciousness back so realised that they must have done the operation. I had an oxygen mask over my face. This voice said to me 'Have you had IVF before?' I said no. Then the voice said 'What do you want, a boy or a girl?' I realised that she thought I was the recipient mother and I panicked for a moment that they had done the embryo transfer on me instead of the infertile woman. I was so out of it I just said 'Don't care.' and then I went unconscious again. I could see this crucifix behind my eyes, really large. I dunno why, as I'm not religious like that, so it was an unusual symbol to see.
It took me 2 and a half hours to wake up from the anasthetic even though the actual operation only took 10 minutes. I was drifting in and out and hearing them saying they were worried I was so unresponsive and they wanted to keep me in overnight.
Finally at 12.30 I woke up properly and the dr from the IVF clinic came to see me. He said they got 5 eggs from me, that there were others but they couldn't reach them. I was a bit upset because they wanted 12 and I felt like I failed an exam, or something.
I asked him if 5 was enough. He said that was fine and they could still give 2 each to each woman. I don't know what they will do with the spare one. He gave me this HUGE bunch of flowers; no one has ever given me that many flowers before.
I could hear someone shouting for the embryologist.
At 3pm I managed to have a drink and something to eat, so they took the drip out and told me I could go home. I fell asleep in the cab on the way back and when I got back to Andy's place, Alan let me in and I just fell asleep on the sofa.
I woke up again at 6 o clock and Andy got back at 6.30. He was lifting furniture with Alan and EX-OW1. The first thing he said was 'God, you look rough.' I was in quite a bit of vaginal pain from the puncture holes, and stomach cramp. EX-OW1 said 'Andy, that's bloody nice, isn't it? She's just had surgery!' I smiled at her and said 'Oh, it doesn't matter.'
They went in the kitchen again and lit up more cigarettes before he'd even asked how it went, but eventually it occured to him to ask. I was mightily pissed off. He made me a drink and we sat in the front room. I told him what happened and about the surgeons in frog hats.
He was still sorting out more furniture from his dad's place and I just slept on the sofa.
Several hours later I was suddenly starving so we ordered in extra hot pizza and ate it between us. He was sitting with his arms crossed, all defensive and tense. Bearing in mind he'd been kissing me for an hour that morning, I asked what the matter was.
He started on about how his dad had just died and he didn't need this and that was why we had got it together, because he 'lost his mind'.
I told him I was disgusted that he could use his dead father as an excuse, but not entirely surprised as this is so like him, and I told him he was an insensitive pig for talking like this when I have just had an operation and that all he thinks about is himself.
Of course it escalated into an argument about the kids (again) with him saying all these insulting things about my mothering and I just said 'Fine then. I shall pack in my current job, apply for others abroad and then just leave. If you think I'm so crap at it I won't do it at all; you have all the kids, I leave the country and you never have to hear from me again.'
I have been seriously considering applying to a voluntry agency for 3rd world countries and I'm not joking. I then rounded on him for 'always criticising' me.
He was still smoking dope at the time, so I just took the cigarette out of his mouth and started smoking it myself. He looked at me all 'gone out'. This is the first time I have ever smoked, the first time I've ever tried a drug, and that was just hours after the operation. He was completely driving me nuts.
He thinks I dabbled in cigarettes before but I never have. I managed to smoke without choking, so I basically sat there for the rest of the night, smoking his dope, and then he said I could sleep in his bed because of being post-operative so I threw my clothes on the floor, collapsed in his bed and he went to sleep on the sofa.
Next morning he walks in while I'm still lying there naked, to look for his socks, and I get up and we chat while I'm getting dressed as if that is totally normal.
He makes me a cup of tea, then DD1 asks if I am going to 'JJB' play area with them. Andy makes this remark about how I can go as their mother.
I tell DD1 that I am not welcome, and we erupt into another row. EX-OW1 comes round again to babysit while Andy is in college. I tell him he doesn't need me to mother them when he's got her so why bother, and I went home.
I'm not supposed to exercise or work for 3 to 4 days now, but I had to take DD4 to nursery. I was in pain when I dropped her off so one of the other mum's drove me home.
I'm now relaxing (trying to) for a bit before I have to go and collect her.
I am not going to try to be there for this family anymore, but at least the infertile women got 5 of my eggs and I did something worthwhile for society.
