I have a major, major update but I don't really know whether I want to share or not. I guess I am still trying to work through it in my head.
I will give you partial information for the time being until I am clearer in my mind what I am doing.
Went to IVF clinic this morning for a scan to measure my eggs and a blood test - I have been doing this every day. Today they measured a HUGE egg and the nurse did a double take from surprise, but all the other ones aren't done yet so she said 'I think we'll let that one get a bit hard boiled as the other ones aren't ready.'
I burst out laughing - she honestly said 'hard boiled'
I asked her if the huge egg was normal and said I wasn't sure what the heck I was injecting myself with and I was imagining a scene like from that film, 'Alien' where the alien jumps out of the man's stomach and I was thinking that this huge foliacle would just explode out of my stomach.
The nurse laughed and said that she'd walk in and not see me, just the huge foilacle filling up the entire room.
We both split our sides laughing and then she said I had a sense of humour.
In the waiting room, I started to feel really ill (headache, hot and cold, sick etc) so the receptionist offered to make me a drink. She bought me a cappacino.
I felt so rough I went home and went to bed and must have slept for 3 hours. Got up, had a lemon and ginger tea, started to feel better.
Then DD3 knocked at the door and showed me her new boots (pink with flowers on, very pretty), and DD2 told me that DD1 was at home sulking because Daddy wouldn't take her to the RAM FM Bonfire Night Party (as he feels ill too) so she was refusing to leave the house even when they said they were visiting me, so Andy walked out and left her with Rose. I don't blame him, if she wants to be that stroppy.
He walked in wearing this cream coloured zip up top with kind of black speckles on it, one of those chunky knit ones - completely unlike him, he doesn't wear that kind of stuff normally and he looked great in it. My jaw sort of hit the floor, LOL.
I had just rolled out of bed with a headache and looked horrific in comparision, LOL.
Andy said he felt ill so I offered to make him a herbal tea. He said he would prefer coffee and sat there coughing and spluttering.
I got the coffee and shared some 'Taxi' bars out between the girls.
Then they told me about the funeral. DD2 apparently bawled her head off at the crematorium and DD1 wrote a little passage about what her grandad meant to her, which Andy read out for her (she was too shy to do it) and everyone cried.
Andy apparently met this relative of his called John whom he'd never heard of before and never met, so that was interesting.
He asked about my day and I told him the 'hard boiled' joke from the clinic and he laughed. Then I told him about the makeover in London and he was very intrigued about why I am going to London even though I have been reminding him for months since I need him to watch DD4 while I go.
We talked about this dream I've been having repeatedly which is worrying me and when I told him, he was worried too and tried to reassure me that 'it doesn't mean that' - mmm, I've heard that before.
DD3 and DD4 build us a big house out of lego bricks, LOL, and then I had to go and break up a dispute between DD2 and DD3.
Andy asked if I'd got my copy of my book. I said not yet and I've been rushing to the front door every morning to see if it is there! He said I should nag the publisher.
Eventually they had to go as DD1 was sulking at home with Rose, so DD3 came up and kissed me, and then Andy came up and kissed me too and I told him to go to bed early because he felt awful. He told me to tell him when they wanted to operate. I said I'd have the girls for him sometime as he's still tying up his father's affairs, we all hugged and then they left.
That is the edited version as I am still contemplating the unabridged version. May not share, or may do, not sure yet.
It's shock and not knowing what I want or whether I want to kill him or shag him, love him or hate him and right now I feel so confused I don't know what the bleedin' hell I want anymore...and him, well, he's even more confused than me!!!
Half the people in the world want to shoot him, another quarter don't have a clue what to do and the final quarter want him to marry me. I feel the same as all of those people all at once.
I've decided not to call him H or X - he is neither my husband nor my ex, nor a partner?? Dunno what he is, certainly not a 'friend'. I reckon my new name for him will be 'Love Machine' (LM) - LOL.
LOL, you don't know how close you are to what happened
Okay, here is the unabridged version:
Right after discussing my career and my book etc he starts struggling up to me on the sofa and let me tell you, he looked HOT in those new clothes. He was starting to look at bit frayed round the edges, but not that day, wow, or it might be the ovulation drugs they've got me on, LOL.
Then he says he wants me back and I should stop pushing him away, stop analysing and stop thinking of the future so much I ruin the present. I made this joke that I had to live for now because we had no future. He said 'Actually, we do have a future.'
The girls asked for help moving a box of toys so Andy went to DD4's bedroom to help with the lifting and I followed him. My bedroom is right next to her bedroom and I was standing behind him, watching him helping the girls with their toys and sorting out this argument between them.
Then he turned around to face me and literally PUSHED me backwards into my bedroom and then stood with his arms across the doorway so I couldn't walk back out (he's 6 foot tall, LOL).
Realising I couldn't get out, I sat on the bed and attempted to make light conversation. He strided up to me, looking like the disposcessed Lord of a bleak Moorland Estate, and said 'Why did you bring me in here?' I laughed and said 'Actually you PUSHED me in here.'
So then he laughs back, and jumps on me, smothering me with kisses. Believe me, it is impossible to resist when the love of your life is behaving like that, esp. when you haven't had sex in weeks and your veins are coursing with IVF drugs.
I respond in kind and then he said something mind blowing (too explicit to write on here), but basically along the lines of him wanting to sow his wild seed, LOL.
I'm like, Andy darling, I am on IVF, I have a billon eggs sitting there.
He's like 'Waaay Haaay, Missus, that's great, isn't it?'
At this point I think he's crazy He's booked for a V in January, but maybe it's his dad's death, since sex and death are connected.
So he attempts to ML without contraception. I stop it from going quite that far but nonetheless...did I say the sexual connection was gone???? Pah!!! All I can say is, thunderbolt city!
This time was completely different to last time (in fact completely different to the last 2 years) and he made it about me instead of him, and spent the whole time doing all this stuff to me. Like he'd spend 5 minutes working on my legs and then move to a different bit.
Then afterwards he carried on, even though he was 'done' so to speak, and he was all romantic and wanting me to say ILY to him and responding really nicely when I did. Normally he'd run a mile if I said ILY to him, that day it he was smiling and pulling me closer and wanting me to keep saying it, LOL.
So anyway, multiple 'O' later (and I'm lucky if I get one with the VS), I stumbled out of bed in total shock but he carried on being nice even after that. He didn't leave straight away, we chatted for ages about loads of stuff, I got confident and said I'd have the girls and he was on about how he wanted me to mother them and they were all going to come over, we could all chill out together, he was hugging me in front of them and talking openly in front of them about us.
When they eventually did go (because DD1 was at home with Rose), my other DD's kissed me and then Andy kissed me too in front of them and wasn't bothered. He even said he wanted to be there when I have my operation.
Yeah he did, he says it quite a bit these days - since that time he first said it on 1st September.
I mean, even in that horrible email he sent me a while back, he said it in that - 'I do love you but you always behave like (this, that and the other), LOL. That's when I phoned him up in tears and said I don't care if he flippin' loves me, he does my head in and I was going to run away to Australia to go fruit picking.
Well, since I said that he's been extra nice! I should have threatened to leave him ages ago, LOL.
