Started on a new shut down drug last night for the egg donation and literally 10 minutes after the shot, that thing with my ears happened again, even though it's a different drug. I took enchinacea and vitamin B6 to try and counteract it. Luckily I am not in pain at the moment but I have to have another shot at 10pm so I'm waiting to see what happens. The stimulation drugs are okay, I have had no ill effect with those so far. I am hoping I will only have to have them a few more days and then it won't wreck my ears. They are hauling me to clinic every day and say it could be anytime soon.
Work wise I have finished proof reading, completed my orders, still doing the helpline etc. Most of my GAL activities have stopped due to FIL's death and being at the IVF clinic so much. I am feeling very down but that might be the hormones they are pumping me with, the m/c etc, basically everything the last couple of months.
Andy arrived with the kids this morning and then went to FIL's house to empty some of it and also to fax copies of the death certificate to his creditors etc, and to pick his stuff up from the hospital where he died.
I took the girls on a long walk (about 2 miles) and we went to the grocery store and bought ingredients for cakes, and DD3 spent her pocket money.
Then we came back and I baked fairy cakes with them and they all took it in turns to do various things. Even DD4 had a go at stirring the mixture. Then we made icing topping and sprinkled the cakes with little 'hundreds and thousands' in the shape of stars.
After that I helped DD2 with her English workbook (English Exercises for 7 to 9 year old's) and I helped her with some of the questions.
Then we did 'design your own book cover' which was great since I'm an author, LOL, and they had to design their own book cover for their favourite story and then describe what they like about the story.
For once they didn't mention any touchy topics so I wasn't worried about what Andy would think and was a bit more relaxed than usual, but still struggling at various points in the day with 'down' feelings.
Andy came back at 7.30pm, looking exhausted. I got him a coffee and the girls rushed at him with the tin of cakes to show him! He said 'Wow, did you make these yourselves?' and then he looked at me with a kind of 'I really like that idea', sort of look. I blushed. They were all enthusing about what they'd done during the day so I figured they must have had fun. Makes a change that it actually worked with them, for once.
Then Andy asked how I was so I told him I felt rough from the injections but other than that, fine. He squeezed my hand and told me he was sure the operation would go just great.
I asked him how he was and he talked about his dad and how going back to the house was hard and how he couldn't sleep and couldn't eat because his appetite was just gone. I tried to empathise as best I could.
Then DD1 started complaining because she'd got her socks wet so Andy told her to take them off. She said no, because she 'couldn't go outside naked' (she is a drama queen, that one).
He grinned at me and said to her 'Why not? Your mother does.'
I can't believe to said that to our 9 year old DD!! (He was referring to the time when we ML and then I followed him outside in the garden whilst still naked and kissed him goodbye). DD1 of course didn't get the significance and just laughed, but it made my guard go up a little and I snapped at him 'Actually I don't do that for people that don't like me.'
He responded 'I never said I didn't like you and I never said I don't find you attractive.'
This was way too close for me and not a discussion I wanted to have in front of DD1 so I said 'Well, actions speak louder than words.' and I walked into another room.
While the girls were getting their coats/shoes, Andy asked to borrow DD4's safety seat, so I got that for him, and he looked at me with those 'ILY' eyes and said 'Go on, admit it. You want to touch me.' I blushed and looked the other way. He laughed at me. I said 'I'm not in the habit of throwing myself at people.' He said he was just jesting, 'but seriously, though, I really like your hair like that, you should have it up more often.'
(DD1 had plaited it for me again).
I thanked him for the compliment and on the way out the door he just turned and stared at me for the longest time. I shouted 'Good luck!' at him (with the funeral).
They are all gone now, even DD4, as the funeral is Friday and it's in another town so they will travel there tomorrow. I miss DD4 already.
So you've forgiven me, then, for getting totally sick of Andy and wrecking up my DB'ing? LOL.
Yes it is more peaceful - how long for I'm not sure. One thing that has changed is that I'm far more direct with him. Sometimes he gets angry but most of the time he responds okay to directness. It's more real.
I admit that when I joined this forum, I thought it was for people still in R's post-D (i.e, where the WAS wants the R too) as Andy and I were (and he still keeps making his interest clear).
I found I was the only one on here aside from jdd, where both people in the couple were interested. I kinda imagined that people who weren't in that sitch, would be in the 'surviving the big D' forum (or whatever it's called).
I have debated whether to move to that forum, but it doesn't feel right when Andy is still chasing me etc. If he turns round one day and says 'I'm done' (and he actually means it), then I think I will.
I'm glad you're still here, though, I feel like one of the die-hards!
You are one of the few where both the LBS and WAS express an interest in a relationship. Mine expresses interest in friendship, possibly more if I read her actions, but verbally she vehemently denies a desire for more than friendship. So I'll believe the words. I might mosey over to surviving also. Although for the most part, most of us seem to have moseyed completely off the board.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks Hope - I have read your thread and you seem a bit stronger today.
I feel very 'high' today, considering that tomorrow is FIL's funeral, it's a bit weird. I've been singing all these love songs all afternoon (I always sing when I'm happy).
I think it's because I have decided in my own mind that I'm not going to FIL's funeral so I don't have to deal with EX-OW1 or any of his relatives and this makes me feel more centred. I have got the publisher to add a dedication to FIL in the front of my vaccination book, which will be published all over the world, so that to me, is my tribute to him and I still manage to keep my self-respect.
I also think it's the injections as well, as they are making me produce more eggs so I feel really 'quirky', if that's the right word.
After all the pain and disappointment of the last few months, I am quite excited that I'm so close to helping 2 other people achieve their dreams.
You are doing a wonderful job staying as centered as you can during a very tough time. I've learned tons thru your posts.
The whole DBing site is rather dedicated to the one-sided situation of one person wanting the R, the other not. So I see this forum as just more of the same, with an additional somewhat irrelevant piece of civil paperwork thrown in. Depending on one's spiritual beliefs, especially those regarding the bonding and oneness formed by a marriage, the D means relatively little in the big picture. To be truthful, I wrestle with that bond, especially when I'm interacting with an attractive woman without a ring on my finger.
To me, 'dropping the rope' has been incredibly freeing. I don't have to control my R or the behaviors of my XW anymore. I can pour those energies and that time into remolding myself in a way that maximizes my potential. Whether I'll end up with XW or with another even more amazing woman is besides the point. I assume that either WILL occur, but I'm in no hurry to make it happen. B/c I don't need it to.
Being in this position really frees a person from bitterness or resentment. I want to be XW's friend, not to manipulate her into my bed or a new M, but b/c we'd make great friends. I'm experiencing some of that already.
Stay positive, Jo! You are evolving into a most incredible woman. And in terms of your earlier post about getting older, you're still at least 2 years away from your sexual prime. Andy or another lucky man will have much to celebrate with you as their partner.
Speaking of sexual prime, today I bought myself a new babydoll which is a special 'Christmas' one - it's bright red with these white fur pom pom's on it and a matching red pair of thongs.
Of course, since I am as single as Bridget Jones, I shall most likely be spending Christmas pottering around the house in it, but what the hell, it's sexier than a dressing gown, LOL
This morning is FIL's funeral, but despite this, the post brought good news. I've just won another make-over in London! (I enter competitions all the time). I will get a hair stylist, make up artist, fashion designer and photographer working on me for 4 hours!!
I was jumping up and down with joy, then I felt guilty for feeling happy on FIL's funeral, and when Andy must be going through hell.
I am already going to London on the 27th to go Christmas shopping (and staying in a nice hotel ) so I've organised my make-over for the 28th and then I'll come back home in the evening.
Andy or another lucky man will have much to celebrate with you as their partner.