Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Thank you friends. I read Mars/Venus a long time ago. I know H/men and me/women think very differently, he and I both are very aware of that fact, as well as that we are originally from different parts of the country where words or phrases have different meanings. We've even joked about quite a lot of it.

My physical reactions seems to be my marriage monitor. I know that whenever my gut reacts so bad, that it means something bad is about to or just did happen. I don't always know what already happened until much later, but when I put the pieces together it fits with my gut reaction. Last night H got home very late, my gut was telling me he was up to something no good that will have a bad effect on me. I don't know what.....yet.

Has he expressed enough of a committment that he would try to stop YOU if you tried to leave?
I did tell H last spring that I was going to leave and go to my sisters for a while, I recall that was the last time he initiated a hug and said if anyone was leaving he would. I just said if he was leaving I was anyway because he couldn't just walk out and dump everything on me. I also think his reasons to leave rather than me is so that I don't go to my family and need a place to stay (no one knows of all this), if I leave and he stays he has no excuse to tell everyone I kicked him out and he can go to OW for a place to stay, at this point we need each other financially (I need him to help me with bills, he needs me to help with bills so he can keep playing). Along with those lines, last December I told H that if he was going to have two women in his life I would not be one of them. He got mad, packed up and left at 3am, I just sat and watched. I was gone for the day, it was family cookie day, and he ended up coming there - to my moms - and then followed me home, and stayed.

What really hurts and makes me so upset and angry is that he is now closing me out of our life at home also. Things this week - the fences, the gravel, the land renter, the injured horse, the appointments he sets up for people to come when he won't even be home and I have to deal with - there is no reason that he should not make me aware of what WE need to do at OUR place. I will address this new problem sometime this weekend. Even if he wants me out of his life, he can't ignore that we have joint decisions to make about day to day living, and that affects the future.

I just don't know. Maybe he's just waiting for me to set boundaries and tell him he cannot continue this type of treatment of me. I will not continue to allow him to have this type control over me. Maybe he's waiting for me to stand up for myself and be the confident respected person I used to be. I know that what's been going on the last couple months hasn't been working, and I need to do something different. I'll find out if standing up for ME is a good different.