Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Hi slowly, some responses and clarification, but I'm just not in a good spot this week/month/season......
Well done H, right? What was your response to the fact that he did something you have been asking for a long time? I mean, did his efforts gain any reward that he would feel inclined to do what you ask for again? If he was a colleague at work, or a friend, who had done something important for you (forget the 5 year history) how would you have reacted? Sure, it was great to see gravel in the yard, but what I didn't add to my list because I wanted it to be a positive action without negative was - a few weeks ago when I located H at OW's place she had a pile of gravel in her yard. So where do you suppose he got the idea about gravel? And now, half the pile is spread out and the other half still sits in the middle of the yard, and everything is froze and snow covered, won't get above freezing for another week. So, every time I drive in the driveway and over that gravel for the rest of my life and I see that pile sit there until who knows when, I will be reminded of the day that H was at OW again. Not that he isn't there way more often than that, I just don't know about each time. So, I have been like him in that when I do something major he doesn't say anything, I didn't say a word or make any acknowledgement. I just can't say thank you to him knowing that OW had an influence in his decision to do something.

Give it time, and consistent demonstration on your part that you are interested, without pursuing. Give me some examples of how I can be interested without pursuing. How do I ask without sounding like I am prying for information and making him mad? For instance, last night he got a phone call and it sounded like someone was reminding him about a party, H ended up saying ok I'll try and make that. Yet he wouldn't say another word to me or offer anything, and yes, I'm afraid to ask. And I'm afraid to ask where he was until 7:30 at night, when I know he absolutely does not work that many hours.
Congratulations! So you will be doing more of the same? Absolutely, at least until he throws a fit or misses the payment. I need some financial relief in my budget, and as long as H can run around the country on vacations as well as keep spending money and buying everything he wants for himself, then he can take more financial responsibility for the bills too. I wish it was something we could plan together like we used too, make the best financial decisions jointly. I've asked and tried to no avail. My words fall on deaf ears, but my action got action. What I don't know yet is the repurcussion and fallout from that action, I expect it will still come in the form of other bills he wouldn't or didn't pay because he will say he had to make a huge portion of the mortgage payment.

The week so far - been pretty much crapola, as hard as I try to stay positive and focus on that I just can't. Yesterday I pretty much cried all day, had a late pm appt and got home 3.5 hours later than normal, the place was still dark. Now if I was living alone I could handle this, but when your spouse is supposed to be there it hits hard. And where is he so late? I can only assume OW, or house shopping, or house shopping with OW. It would only take a few words from H to clear away those sorts of thoughts, but he refuses and gets defensive if I ask. So I finally let the tears and sobs come, no people around to know, I was safe. I cried all thru chores, hugged my horse, my gut was telling me something was way wrong again and I was puking, I cried all the way back in the house, and decided that I could not continue living this way anymore. I went in the bedroom trying to finish crying and planning to pack some bags and leave, at least for the night or a few nights. I just have to have some space from that man who makes me so miserable. I don't know where to go, just somewhere. H gets home and comes and finds me in the bedroom, I'm still sobbing with my head in my hands. He asks if I'll help him start the skidloader, it's had some reoccuring electronic problem that cropped up again with the cold temps. We go out and get that running, work on a few other things, H made a comment that the work I did to move gates around seems to have made a difference and no critters have been out for 48 hours. We both stood around in the headlights of the skidloader, I felt like he wanted to do or say something else, or he was waiting for me to do something. What I wanted was to hug him and have his arms around me while I cried some more. But, he finally got back in the skidloader and we went on our business.

When we finally got back in the house, I put a pizza in the oven, the internet would connect but not work, and I wrote a letter my H. I spilled my guts and wrote it all out, but the more I wrote the angrier the letter got. I knew I wasn't going to give it to him anyway, so I just let it out. I cried the whole time. I didn't care if H saw me or not, he wouldn't acknowledge it anyway. I got so entranced in writing that the pizza was burnt when H finally took it out of the oven and asked if he could have some. So, with no internet working I turned the TV on, and we had some conversation about the show that was on. I believe that is better than no words at all.

This morning H walked in as I was finishing in the bathroom. I said with the subfreezing temps it would be almost impossible to keep making fence, but did he have any time we could try. He said this weekend, I said okay.

And here I am typing this all out with shaking fingers and can hardly get my coffee cup to my mouth without spilling. What's wrong with me? what's my gut telling me? I'm listening, but I don't know yet.