Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[NNP1965]

WCW, thanks for stopping by my thread. As I said, I follow your sitch daily and since you were so nice to invite my comments I will try to oblige from now on.

I think you have amazing insight and strength to be able to deal with what you have been. You have the ability to realize what works and what doesn't and to adjust accordingly.

I hope to be able to use that in my sitch as well.

[WCW]

Thanks, SS. I'm still feeling pretty deflated for now. I can recognize what does or doesn't work even if I don't always abide by it, but then it seems like so does H and he puts up some more bricks. Maybe this renewed interest he has in hunting will bring back some of who he used to be, take him back to nature. And skiing should start within the next month once the temps stay down and they can keep snow on the hills. I think it's been at least 3 seasons since I skied, so there should be plenty of refresher for H to help me with! After the meal on Thanksgiving my family set a date for our annual cookie baking day, we all get together and make a whole pile of cookies. Been doing it the for over 20 years, maybe more than that. I'm pretty sure H got his cell phone out and put it in his reminders.

Today I get to go help make meatballs for an annual Christmas party that comes up in a few weeks, and then a football game party. Not to exciting, but I think it still qualifies as GAL.

[amd]

Wait a minute. You're going to be somewhere with piles of cookies? I'm on my way.

And IMHO, anything that helps you get through the day and feel "normal" counts as GAL.

[WCW]

Easy girl, you've got time. No cookies today. Just making meatballs for a party coming up, and um, there was hot chili rice, bagels and dip, chips and taco dip, and BBQ beef sandwiches. So much for maintaining weight thru the holidays. Last year I even lost weight thru the holidays, but that's what happens when everything you eat comes back up.

Annual cookie baking day is coming up in a few weeks. My sis's and nieces and mom and I all start early in the day with our batches of cookie dough, and roll and decorate all day. The pile gets pretty BIG. But we all get a variety of cookies that way and a big fun family day while we make them. And about the time you get sick of eating cookie dough and frosted cookies, we have traditional cherry dumplings for nutrition. mmmmmm.

I sure enjoyed 4 days off of work in town. Tomorrow, back to the grind.

[slowly]

Hiya WCW - Certainly sounds like tricky time with H

I sure enjoyed 4 days off of work in town. Tomorrow, back to the grind.

Woo hoo. Now you have lots of stories to regale H with? I know NG started seeing his ole wifey in a different light once my friends started telling him about fun things we got up to while we were GAL. Strange that, it takes someone else pointing things out for them to see through the fog.

yes H did initiate contact more when I did not make contact and he knew I would not be home at night.

How about dressing up smarter than normal for work and not coming home till really late one night?

I’ve been thinking a lot about our summer and early fall, how much progress I felt we had made. I made myself happy, we were busy, and H was getting closer to me. About the same time ow had a birthday, H planned his trip, I reacted bad, the last month has been full of fear and doubt on my part. Then H tells me he is keeping an eye open for a place to move. That’s the last thing I want to happen.

Sorry to go back, but this seemed quite important. Could it be that H feels he is being held accountable for your happiness? Like you feeling good is dependent on him, especially his intimacy?

Slowly

[WCW]

Slowly – you’ve made some good suggestions, thank you. Last week I so wanted to just run away every night instead of going home. But I have animals and chores at home, can’t just let them hang. So I would go home right after work with the intent of being gone again before H got home, but I get bogged down and couldn’t get away before he showed up. I’ll work on it again. Create mystery, make contact with people, go gray as much as I can. And feel free to go back as far you want to pick something out and make comments/suggestions. I sure appreciate feedback. Does he feel accountable for my happiness? I don’t know that answer, but if he did feel accountable then wouldn’t he care that what he has been doing cuts like a knife? I do know that the life we had made me happy, what we did, the things we accomplished as partners, knowing that he cared about me.

I was awake early Sunday and decided to go to church, H already left for hunting. H and I are different religions, and we used to go to church with each other, so we went twice a weekend. That doesn’t ever happen anymore, even on Holidays. H hasn’t gone to church for years except his trip a few months ago, struck me odd that he went to church 1700 miles away. I go periodically. I got home and H was just returning from hunting, and I made sure he got a glimpse of me in nylons and heels, very rare these days, and yes, he did notice. Called out as I was walking away, are you going to church? I said I just got back.

After we made a late breakfast (H made his secret recipe hotcakes when I asked, I made the potatoes and turkey bacon and fresh syrup) we sat at the table and ate. I tried to engage in some conversation without much success, and then talked about my afternoon plans as it was a club activity for both of us. At first he acted like he knew nothing about it, but then I reminded him of the meeting we were both at where it was discussed, then he said ‘oh yeah, so and so mentioned it (when did he talk to her?), but he wasn’t coming due to more hunting. But he did ask a few questions, and all I could wonder was – wow, he’s asking about my plans, must be trying to figure out how much time he has to see OW. Bad thoughts, but I can’t help but think that on the rare occasions he does ask about my plans.

Before I left we had some hay to unload, he never asked for help, just went out and started, but I joined him just because I don’t want him to be able to say he had to do it all without me. He seemed a little friendlier, had a few comments about stuff while we worked.

Last night – I stayed late at friends after the football game, got home late on purpose. I figured I’d let H initiate any conversation, so I walked in the house and could feel his eyes on me but I avoided contact. Put my stuff down, took my coat and shoes off, put some stuff away, got a drink of water, then looked at H and he was still watching but didn’t say anything. I changed clothes (saw myself in the mirror and I look like sh*t, need to work on that) and put on boots and grabbed my jacket to go out and do chores, he asked if I was going out to do chores, I said yes, he said they’re done, I said thanks and went outside anyway. Spent some time with my horse, having fun working on continued training with her, it would be nice to have input from H but……..he doesn’t seem to have much interest in the horse stuff the last few months. Went back in about an hour later, spent a little time on computer, H made a comment about something on TV but I wasn’t paying attention to the TV so all I could say was I hadn’t seen what he was referring to. Then H moved around in the room so he could see my computer screen, I closed all the windows and went to bed. He had done some laundry while I was gone, including folding some of MY clothes, so I walked back out and said thanks. Today was ‘good morning’ and I said it back to him, he was in the shower when I was leaving so I said ‘see ya’, he said ‘ok’. That’s our day so far.

Something I noticed this weekend, H just didn’t talk to me. I would try to make conversation and ask about his hunting, etc. but his answers were short with no details. Unless he was talking to someone else, then he had animation in his voice, until he talked to me again. People tell me so often all about the calls they get from H, seems he makes contact with all sorts of folks except me. It hurts.

I’ll have to start a new thread soon…..there should be some different forum options. Separated – but living in the same house or Silly people who won’t give up

I need a list and goals and more GAL. There! The first thing on my list is to make a list!

[WCW]

Just putting down some thoughts I've been mulling over. Do I ever feel good enough or worthy enough to make me MY priority? Not very often, I have to work very hard at this, from my perspective. For instance, I want to see a movie but it isn't playing locally and H detests going to the movies. I would have to drive an hour to see it, and although I keep telling myself I am going to do it, I don't. I get busy and find things to keep me from going, excuses. But it boils down to that I don't consider myself important enough to just go and do it for ME. If there is someone else involved or a plan with a group you can hardly keep me away. Another example is showing my horse - I'll go locally where it's easy and pretty economical, but to go to a big national show on my own, I don't because it's just me and my horse involved and I don't want to spend that kind of money on ME. Now don't jump at me yet, I do take time to do little things for myself. I don't answer the phone sometimes, it annoys me. Occassionally I'll take a bubble bath and light the candles. I'll go for a walk or do nothing, just for me. But I feel like I've spent so many years trying to keep people happy, mainly H, that I've lost the ability to put ME at the top of my list. I said this once to H a few years ago, he blasted me back that he felt the exact same way and he was reclaiming himself as HIS priority. Little did I know at that time he already made OW his priority, had been for months already.

Now I feel I am ready, I want to have ME at the top of my list. But I don't have dollar resources that I can do too much stuff. I'm working on changing that too, but right now I can only do things that don't cost much monetarily. I use the library for books, borrow a few movies from friends, and will do more of that as I try to detach and put some of my own distance between H and I. Any other economical ideas? I do a ton of volunteer work, and while it keeps me busy and people appreciate all that I do (unspoken most of the time)I want some things just for me.

[Roktop]

What has worked somewhat for myself... In my sitch I normally have Friday Nights to myself with no Kids.

I try to make those alone nights a priority for myself. For example I go out to my local Chapters and browse around. I might go out to a movie if one is playing that interests me.

Find something you can do Solo or with a friend that is just for you. A cheap suggestion is just take a drive somewhere that you can take a walk for a couple hours. Don't tell you H where you are going or what you are doing just go and come back home when you feel like it. Let him wonder where you are.

ROK

[aynesr]

Any other economical ideas?

WCW, how about signing up for some classes at local community college? There are also online courses that may be interesting for you. I have been working on my MBA registration, but got stopped by burocracy, i.e. translation of documents, notarization, validation, etc. I am sure you do not have this type of problems....

[WCW]

My new GAL! I left home, came to town, and am using the library computer. Wow, doesn't that beat anything else you can think of?

Now, just to tell you about my trip..... I am seldom if never in town at this time of the day. On my drive in I stop at the bank to make a deposit and grab some free cookies, continue the drive to the library. Guess who I meet on the road? the high school friend guy who lurks around and finds me. How is that possible? coincidence? I took a weird turn, so did he. It's dark and raining, I had to use evasive driving to evade him. That is SO nuts! He used to be a great friend, now I just don't trust him, especially in the dark, what he wants just makes me too nervous to think about if he got closer than talking vehicle to vehicle. I've told this guy that I am not interested in anything more than a friend but he just keeps throwing insinuations to me, talk about no respect. I don't need a friend like that. And the last thing I need is the very first time I'm out here 'creating mystery' I end up being seen with another guy. Isn't that just what I need?

I get to the library, solo. I walk around to check out the computers, you have to sign in at the desk. I go to sign in, there's a client of H's, I really know how to do a 180!!!! I lurk for a minute, she leaves, and I go back to sign in. Well, I have to sign up first, and while I'm doing that.....here comes another couple that is friends with some real good friends of ours....can't dodge them, so I made idle chat and hopefully they aren't standing behind me watching the screen. (notes from Farriers thread) I now have 19 minutes left.

What bugs me so much about GAL is that I LIKE staying home and just being there. Sure, there are times I go stir crazy, and when H is home there can be plenty of tension, but I LIKE staying home. So now I feel like I have to leave or be chased from my home just to GAL. It seems so dumb. But in the meantime I've thought of some shopping or evening activities.

Rok- thanks for the ideas. I'll use them, but again, it requires leaving home. Yuck! I almost talked myself into that movie again.....but here I am, it's cheaper.

I also have this nagging feeling that H has figured out this site and lurks here. I have no proof, nothing concrete, his laptop is all locked up with passwords and I have no way to see his history files....as is the desktop that I use at home all locked up with my passwords and he cannot get at it. But he does walk by behind me plenty often, and I switch browsers, but I can't be 100% he's never seen the address bar. And of course, the big red letters at the top of the screen never help. I got caught at work today, I was doing a favor for a guy and showed him his stuff, and the BIG RED letters popped up. sh*t. What's done is done.

There, I have another idea for GAL. Rearrange the furniture so that H can't see my computer screen from the rest of the house. That would also qualify I believe for 'create mystery'.