Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Just putting down some thoughts I've been mulling over. Do I ever feel good enough or worthy enough to make me MY priority? Not very often, I have to work very hard at this, from my perspective. For instance, I want to see a movie but it isn't playing locally and H detests going to the movies. I would have to drive an hour to see it, and although I keep telling myself I am going to do it, I don't. I get busy and find things to keep me from going, excuses. But it boils down to that I don't consider myself important enough to just go and do it for ME. If there is someone else involved or a plan with a group you can hardly keep me away. Another example is showing my horse - I'll go locally where it's easy and pretty economical, but to go to a big national show on my own, I don't because it's just me and my horse involved and I don't want to spend that kind of money on ME. Now don't jump at me yet, I do take time to do little things for myself. I don't answer the phone sometimes, it annoys me. Occassionally I'll take a bubble bath and light the candles. I'll go for a walk or do nothing, just for me. But I feel like I've spent so many years trying to keep people happy, mainly H, that I've lost the ability to put ME at the top of my list. I said this once to H a few years ago, he blasted me back that he felt the exact same way and he was reclaiming himself as HIS priority. Little did I know at that time he already made OW his priority, had been for months already.

Now I feel I am ready, I want to have ME at the top of my list. But I don't have dollar resources that I can do too much stuff. I'm working on changing that too, but right now I can only do things that don't cost much monetarily. I use the library for books, borrow a few movies from friends, and will do more of that as I try to detach and put some of my own distance between H and I. Any other economical ideas? I do a ton of volunteer work, and while it keeps me busy and people appreciate all that I do (unspoken most of the time)I want some things just for me.