Slowly – you’ve made some good suggestions, thank you. Last week I so wanted to just run away every night instead of going home. But I have animals and chores at home, can’t just let them hang. So I would go home right after work with the intent of being gone again before H got home, but I get bogged down and couldn’t get away before he showed up. I’ll work on it again. Create mystery, make contact with people, go gray as much as I can. And feel free to go back as far you want to pick something out and make comments/suggestions. I sure appreciate feedback. Does he feel accountable for my happiness? I don’t know that answer, but if he did feel accountable then wouldn’t he care that what he has been doing cuts like a knife? I do know that the life we had made me happy, what we did, the things we accomplished as partners, knowing that he cared about me.
I was awake early Sunday and decided to go to church, H already left for hunting. H and I are different religions, and we used to go to church with each other, so we went twice a weekend. That doesn’t ever happen anymore, even on Holidays. H hasn’t gone to church for years except his trip a few months ago, struck me odd that he went to church 1700 miles away. I go periodically. I got home and H was just returning from hunting, and I made sure he got a glimpse of me in nylons and heels, very rare these days, and yes, he did notice. Called out as I was walking away, are you going to church? I said I just got back.
After we made a late breakfast (H made his secret recipe hotcakes when I asked, I made the potatoes and turkey bacon and fresh syrup) we sat at the table and ate. I tried to engage in some conversation without much success, and then talked about my afternoon plans as it was a club activity for both of us. At first he acted like he knew nothing about it, but then I reminded him of the meeting we were both at where it was discussed, then he said ‘oh yeah, so and so mentioned it (when did he talk to her?), but he wasn’t coming due to more hunting. But he did ask a few questions, and all I could wonder was – wow, he’s asking about my plans, must be trying to figure out how much time he has to see OW. Bad thoughts, but I can’t help but think that on the rare occasions he does ask about my plans.
Before I left we had some hay to unload, he never asked for help, just went out and started, but I joined him just because I don’t want him to be able to say he had to do it all without me. He seemed a little friendlier, had a few comments about stuff while we worked.
Last night – I stayed late at friends after the football game, got home late on purpose. I figured I’d let H initiate any conversation, so I walked in the house and could feel his eyes on me but I avoided contact. Put my stuff down, took my coat and shoes off, put some stuff away, got a drink of water, then looked at H and he was still watching but didn’t say anything. I changed clothes (saw myself in the mirror and I look like sh*t, need to work on that) and put on boots and grabbed my jacket to go out and do chores, he asked if I was going out to do chores, I said yes, he said they’re done, I said thanks and went outside anyway. Spent some time with my horse, having fun working on continued training with her, it would be nice to have input from H but……..he doesn’t seem to have much interest in the horse stuff the last few months. Went back in about an hour later, spent a little time on computer, H made a comment about something on TV but I wasn’t paying attention to the TV so all I could say was I hadn’t seen what he was referring to. Then H moved around in the room so he could see my computer screen, I closed all the windows and went to bed. He had done some laundry while I was gone, including folding some of MY clothes, so I walked back out and said thanks. Today was ‘good morning’ and I said it back to him, he was in the shower when I was leaving so I said ‘see ya’, he said ‘ok’. That’s our day so far.
Something I noticed this weekend, H just didn’t talk to me. I would try to make conversation and ask about his hunting, etc. but his answers were short with no details. Unless he was talking to someone else, then he had animation in his voice, until he talked to me again. People tell me so often all about the calls they get from H, seems he makes contact with all sorts of folks except me. It hurts.
I’ll have to start a new thread soon…..there should be some different forum options. Separated – but living in the same house or Silly people who won’t give up
I need a list and goals and more GAL. There! The first thing on my list is to make a list!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
