Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Thankful for the little things today -
+H went hunting and said see ya later before he left.
+H came home, safe
+H helped me with the potatoes for dinner, I peeled and he cut them up. (I touched his hand everytime I handed one to him )
+H and I talked about some things around here, breeding cows etc, he is making plans for that.....that's a future!
+I sewed some new curtains for the bedroom

+ and I found this story and made me chuckle........and think about how I view life......

The Optimist and the Pessimist

“A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every
imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere."

[amd]

We definitely choose our attitudes, don't we?

All that from the other night sounds great, WCW. I'd love to have seen his face when ow's name came up! Have a fantastic day today--thanks for checking in on me.

[WCW]

While wishing I was moving in leaps and bounds, I will take the positive baby steps the last few days. Baby steps or crumbs being dropped for me? not real sure, but either one feels more positive than what's been going on for over a month.

+H helped with food prep, stood by me, hasn't done that for a few holidays
+I let time slip away, and we're going to be late if we don't get showered, I figured H wouldn't join me. I took a short shower and finished, then H started his shower, I got back in with him. His first facial expression was trying to keep a strait face with no smile, and then he acted angry and said thought you were done, but his lower body seemed happier to see me than his face. I took advantage of that fact and initiated contact and temptation, and got out of his shower. I got the feeling he was upset with himself that he could not hide his urge.
+for appearance sake H and I still sit next to each other at dinner table with family, nice because it does close the physical space between us
+My Mom got out a digital camera that was old but brand new. I was playing with it and snapping pics, H tried to grab it from me, and I put it in my chest pocket on my shirt. That got a comment from my BIL, and I said I knew H wouldn't go for it there! H got a red face. Later he grabbed it from me and we wrestled around for it. Physical contact!
+we stayed late, I hated to leave people and come home to just the two of us, but I managed to make some small talk, and H asked about something that indicated future again.
+H and I were in the bedroom at the same time, when I got in bed he stayed and talked, left, came back again......here's an old pattern resurfacing.
+Awake early and laying in bed, H came down the hall, I joked if he was up early to go shopping. When he walked in and talked, I asked if he wanted to lay down and made room. He got in and stayed for almost an hour before he got up to go hunting. It felt sooooo good to be physically next to him again.

I have to tell this about our waitress the other night. 16 years young, talked about her car in bad shape, her unemployed boyfriend, her working and him wanting to go out but she pays, won't help her fix her car, won't cook or clean. Everytime she came back to the table she had something bad to say about him. Finally I said, your boyfriend won't find a job, won't help with your car, won't help with house stuff, what's so great about him? She looked shocked......and said 'well, he doesn't beat me.' That is sad, the expectations we lower ourselves too.

[Roktop]

Hi WcW

Sounds like you had a nice thanksgiving together with your hubby...

Like you told me focus on the good stuff.

ROK

[WCW]

Dodging the word daggers being thrown at me.
I joined H in the shower this morning, it's nice being off work today and the chance for that. I also suggested working up an appetite for breakfast, and while he maintained disinterest we did go to bed and . It was all up to me, but he also *let* me. Just as I pulled him over on me and we......
he asked 'and what is this going to accomplish?'
me "a good feeling."
H "a good feeling how?"
me "a physical good feeling."
I wonder if he saw the tears stream down my face. Maybe the minute physical feeling isn't worth the emotional pain, he knows how to make me feel dirty and wounded for wanting to be with this man.

Doing house stuff today I don't get much chance to do. We are invited to some friends for pie and coffee today, H said he would like to do that. In the meantime he acts huffy, and has gone outside to pound around on stuff before he leaves for the afternoon. If nothing else I have drawn him back to thinking about us and what we are doing or not doing. Maybe I am forcing the issues and making him deal with things he won't ever address. Some type of emotions and response is sometimes better than nothing at all.

It's a pretty snow this afternoon.

[Phoenix_spark]

I think we're in the same playbook/story. My W has her heels in pretty deep and seems dead set against any rebuilding of intimacy. My guess is that if she doesn't she will have to take some responsibility and action. That would mean some swallowing of pride, something she's not know for. Any how let's keep at it one more day. Remember, M is the right cause to be fighting for.

[WCW]

Thank you Phoenix, one more day. One day at a time. That makes it pretty easy!

[WCW]

I don't check this very often but today my horoscope says - Taking the easy way out will just hurt you and your sweetheart in the end. Your relationship has much potential, but you're not going to tap into it if you go out of your way to avoid dealing with the hard things.

Must be why I said what I said to H this morning after his typical reaction to being physical with me, cold and distant. We were both awake early, on opposite ends of the house. Of course no way was H going to even come close after yesterday. But I did have a better answer to his question yesterday, 'what is this going to accomplish?' and gave it to him. I told him that sometimes just being physical can make you feel better, and I feel like that area of my life is being wasted. But I know that to you I've never measured up or been good enough for you, especially when it comes to sex. I know that it does no good to be physical with you, it just makes you hate me more, and I wish you didn't always try so hard to hate me. He sat down but didn't say anything, and I walked away. He left to go hunting.

I made fresh warm cinnamon rolls and they are just out of the oven, mmm good.

Been thinking about Christmas and presents. I want a new digital camera, we could both use it for personal and business. The good ones are expensive. I don't usually ask for specific things. Part of H's LL is expensive gifts, until last year he spends big bucks on gifts for me. I buy him nice things but the total dollars is less. If he GIVES expensive gifts does that mean he WANTS expensive gifts? I figure my options are:
1) Tell him I want one and see what happens
2) Ask him to go halves with me and get it for each other
3) Buy it for him but then if he walks out I don't get to use it
4) Buy it and put it under the tree with both our names on it

Thoughts and ideas please?

The auxilliary heaters in the house finally have fuel again. I've left it up to H to fill the fuel jugs this heating season, I've been doing it for 12 years. It's an expense he can have instead of me this year. He forgot on Wednesday. He forgot on Thursday. He forgot on Friday. At the end of every day he says he wished he could remember to fill those jugs. I set the jugs by his truck before he left yesterday. He remembered. A warm house again, feels pretty fine.

[aynesr]

...and I wish you didn't always try so hard to hate me.

WCW, I told my W a similar thing; I didn't use the 'hate' word, but 'love' word', i.e. I asked her why is she trying so hard not to love me.

Well, she came back after couple of days thinking about it. She was actually very upset saying: It is very rude of you to think about me this way', etc.

Just a warning for you, as your H may be thinking about what you said, and maybe even feel hurt by it.

[WCW]

Thanks aneysr, for the warning. He might be hurt, he might be thinking, but will he say anything? doubtful. I've not been very good at DB'ing lately, maybe there is something inside of me crying out for resolution and I should listen to it? I feel pretty wishywashy, keep trying? give it up. keep trying? give it up. But I am sure until the day he leaves and beyond I will keep trying. After all, I don't think the first 11 years were all so bad, that's just his perception.

Quiet and distance continues.