Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Thanks for chiming in ZenMan. Your ideas are ALWAYS welcome. Hugs and affection - I do try and take it, but very often H positions himself such that it is not possible without asking him to get up off the couch,etc.....so depending on the specifics I have to ask. I should have better timing, and yes! bounce up, hug, bounce away. A few times I've done that and had much better response. Thanks for the reminder! Persist without being a pest?

But - I may have pushed it too far and am now a pest. I had to run out and do errands for work, so I called H to run my idea past him, to make the next month special, to ask him to work with me and give it a try. I told him I was hanging way out on a limb and don't get out the chain saw and cut me down. When I got done talking, there was silence, and he said he didn't know what I expected him to say. I asked him to at least consider my suggestion. At least I didn't get his usual - I don't know if I can. I also tried again to explain how I felt during the summer of 2003, when H would initiate and I rejected him, I said I didn't know exactly how to explain it...H interrupted 'that's how you felt, it's how you feel.' I said you're right about how I FELT, but it's not how I FEEL now. I said we had just taken on a big financial responsibility, and he interupted again 'but what about the month before that and the years before that.' So I am thinking, I don't mind the interuptions, I am glad at least he is talking and expressing his thoughts. I said we've talked about that and both know we were so busy and tired we fell into bed, we acknowledged that, and I'm sorry that he just remembers the bad. He just said yeah. Somewhere in all of that I also said he told me he was keeping his eye out for a place to move, and how close are you to that? He said he didn't know. What I do know is that if he said it once it could very well be a reality that is going to hit me like a brick. Or, H is such a procrastinator that he will never follow thru on it. I just don't know which direction applies in this case. I switched the subject, and said we also have to make decisions about things coming up/past due - breeding the cows, renting out the land again, making fence. We need to talk. He was at his next appointment and had to go.

So, I feel okay right now. I feel like we NEED to have some talks about the direction of our lives. I know, it's all bad DB'ing, but this 'anniversary' is a chance I had to take to make a drive at something positive. It may backfire bigtime, but last year during the holidays I kept thinking it was our last together and we wouldn't make it to the next one, and I wish I didn't have that hanging on my shoulders thru another year. At least not how it's been for over two years now. It's also been suggested I 'go dark', withdraw from H. I did that two years ago, we spent months coexisting in the same house, full of tension, H picking fights over what to feed a horse, everything I did was wrong. I left him alone, we didn't hug, we didn't touch, we didn't talk, we didn't make plans. At the time I did not know about his EA/PA with OW and that was where his attention was directed.

I also need to vent! I told H that he was part of the best part of my life (included a sexual referral), and I wasn't ready to throw that all away and give up on our future. He mentioned again our lack of physical sex over the years. You know what? I am exasperated and tired of him constantly throwing that in my face! We did NOT have a bad sex life, and if he wants to just keep thinking negative and complaining and cramming it down my throat I might just throw it back at him. How about foreplay? how about ME? how about something more than 2 minutes before he falls off and goes to sleep? What about the times I wanted more than a quickie just for his gratification? what about ME ME ME!!!!!???????

So back to your suggestion, ZenMan. I hope I created positive energy, a positive suggestion, and I only had this chance to try it because the anniversary starts tomorrow. Definitely a kick in the a$$, can't deny that!