Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[Phoenix_spark]

I hope the trip went well. In some ways I tend to lean towards AV8R view on people, I am having a hard time with trust in general, let alone in R. Well as we all know, get it out here and move on.

[WCW]

Howdy, I'm back. My trip went well enough, saw some cool things I wouldn't have a chance to see normally, spent way too much time thinking about H and my marriage, and still have no answers. Well, actually that's not true. I have TOO many answers, it just depends on if the sun is up or down, which way the wind is blowing, is the moon full, another words - I don't know. I do know when I hugged H when I got back I could actually feel his one arm hug me back. So let me back up........

Had normal interactive contact with H Wednesday while I was traveling, and he even called me in the evening to ask about some things due to temps here going sub freezing. Most any other contact we had was me trying to carry a conversation and him giving one word answers no matter how I asked a question that would require a whole sentence in reply. Finally, Thursday night, I called him quite excited to share some things I had just seen and tell him about it, but got the same from him, I was just so tired of trying to drag on a conversation with this man and I had better things to be seeing and doing. I finished a sentence, said I'm gonna go back and watch some more events talk to you next time. I barely gave him time to reply, but I heard the surprise in his voice as he said 'oh, ok, bye.' I made no contact again, and a few hours later he called me with an important question he forgot to ask me about. We had a nice conversation, he asked me a few questions about what was going on. I did not contact him again, but the next night I get a text messge from him, we ended up with a short conversation. When I called him he actually had a happy voice. No more contact until he sent me a txt mssge again the next night, and then we had another conversation. He was pretty tired, not a flowing conversation.

H was hunting at some friends this weekend, which was also on my way home from where I parted ways with my trip buddies. I debated on stopping or heading home, and decided that it would be good for MY image to take H a cappacino and stop for a visit. Shortly after I got there the hunters walked in, after a while they settled and I handed H his drink, and then in a few minutes I took it from him, set it down, gave him a hug right there in front of people, and I could feel him hug me back, and gave him his drink back. The guys had lunch, we all yacked for a bit, and the hunters went back out. I stayed and yacked with the wife and helped her with a few things, and now have been home and getting unpacked.

I've been listening to the KLA tapes, anyone else listen to them? Do what works, quit doing what doesn't work, take action, you don't have to wait to feel it before you do it. I've thought much about my marriage, I'm tired but have a little renewed enthusiasm from this trip. Of course that can get squelched pretty easy as soon as H walks in the door tonight, depending on his mood or reaction to anything I may or may not do or may or may not say.

AV8R, I also agree that I usually don't surround myself with people that are shallow and all about themselves without caring for others. I've probably painted that picture of H because that is how he treats me now but it is not who he was. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I thought I was in control of this whole deal, and I still think that. H will react to me and how I treat him. What I still have to figure out is how to treat him to get the reaction I want. I'm working on that yet, and working on making me strong enough to endure.

[Becca1975]

WCW, are you sure you aren't married to my H? He is also a hunter and reacts much the same way. Glad you made it back from your trip safely!

[amd]

Glad you're back, WCW! I think the way you handled the conversation issue was great, and the cappucino scenario: PERFECT!

I have the KLA stuff, too, and I like it. I think I need to listen to it all again. I need a refresher course.

[WCW]

Becca, I hope we're not married to the same guy! that's a whole new set of problems!
amd- you need a refresher, I need new batteries for the tape player!

I have some new thoughts running through my head. I did not want a repeat of our last reunion when H came home from his trip, and even though I would have liked to tear his clothes off when we were both home last night, I didn’t try. But I also didn’t want to fall right back into our rutted routine of unhappy behavior when we are alone.
Last night I took a shower, and then asked H if he would trade back rubs with me. By this time he was laying on the couch with his eyes closed, he ignored me. I touched his arm and asked again, he said he didn’t need a back rub, pause, but could give me one. Then I told him that on this trip (driving with people that were a little scary) I realized that I really appreciated his driving expertise. He said ‘what? Explain that.’ I said it again, and added that during our trips over the years I had started taking for granted how much I appreciated his driving expertise and wanted him to know that I did. His reply was hard to hear, but along the lines of ‘because I wrecked your truck last spring’. I asked him to repeat it but he wouldn’t. (We were in a bad wreck, truck was totaled and extensive trailer damage, not H’s fault at all, and I think because HE was driving we lived to tell about it. Yes, I have told him that.) I went to bed, and H did come to rub my back, but did not offer to lay in bed with me. It was short but sweet, we were both dog tired.

His remark made me put some things together, that wreck, his accident/injury last year, his feelings of my constant rejection of him previously (although he does remember differently if I point it out), his putting my truck fender in a tree just a few weeks ago, all this adds up to some pretty low esteem of how he feels about himself. And I’ll even add that he feels low about the whole affair and the last couple years. He also turned 50 during all of this, and because he still isn’t doing things as much as he used too, he doesn’t get the limelight that he is used too. Just my comment about appreciating him got a negative response. A few weeks ago his theatrical leaving in the middle of the night drama. This is a man crying for attention, needing to be needed, feeling low about him. Yet when I try I run up against a brick wall. And the last few weeks, when I’ve been feeling the exact same way, we went sour.

I’ve been thinking a lot about our summer and early fall, how much progress I felt we had made. I made myself happy, we were busy, and H was getting closer to me. About the same time ow had a birthday, H planned his trip, I reacted bad, the last month has been full of fear and doubt on my part. Then H tells me he is keeping an eye open for a place to move. That’s the last thing I want to happen.

People tell me about H and he is always kidding and teasing with them, but he’s not that way with me anymore again. He was for a while, but I let myself quit being happy with him. I focused on negative, woe is me. Why would he want to hang around me? Which brings me back to why I couldn’t let last night continue how we were before my trip. When H got home he helped me with chores, actually I helped him as things changed while I was gone, we had something to eat at the same time at the same table, I asked questions about his hunting and he responded in full sentences and filled me in on some neighbor stuff. I had to ask, but he rubbed my back. This morning, I said good morning and so did he. I was in my bathrobe and he was sitting without a shirt on. I reached for his hand and asked for a hug, he got up, and I opened my robe and I hugged him for a long time, not a real warm response from him but not a reject either. Shock and awe? The last month was a major backslide after so much good progress. I have a lot of work to do to regain that ground and move forward again.

Things to remember –
Be happy
Smile
Make nice conversation
Compliment and appreciate
It’s okay to ask for help

I’m still sorting out about how to share what I do in my days. H never asks, I assume he doesn’t care. But is that because I haven’t shared so he quit asking? I’ve seen some of this in other threads, why don’t they ask about us? Why are we omitted from them caring? Can it be that H doesn’t want to ask because of doom and gloom answers? After all, my marriage and life sucks, why would he want to know about that? Rather than wondering what direction this marriage is headed, I need to build the path we are taking. People are asking about plans for next year, I don't know how to answer them. Thoughts run thru my mind - will H and I be together? Going forward I am going to answer as though I think everything is fine, and make plans as if. I'm not going to ask H if he will still be around, I'm not going to give him the opportunity to talk about leaving. (BigAl, is that why you said I'm a hard woman to leave?)

Did I mention that H got a real nice 8 point buck this weekend? He hasn’t hunted for years, and this year he takes a big trip and gets a nice elk cow. Hunts again and gets a nice buck. That’s got to be great for his esteem!

[Becca1975]

Did you just say that you ASSume he doesn't care? Back to kindergarten in the DB school young lady!

I wonder if since he had had these automobile mishaps so recently, if he mistook your comment about his expertise...my H would have thought I was being a smart ack, no matter how sincerely I said it.

I think sometimes we strong, independent women get too caught up into trying to prove that we can do everything just as well as a man can....and maybe that gets us into trouble. I know I am that way. I haven't the faintest clue what to do to back down off of that either because in my mind, saying he can do something better than me shows weakness on my part.

Anyway...didn't mean to make this about me. It sounds like you guys have the tools that you need, you just have to work on the EC. That, as you know, will take time. Hang in there!

[amd]

You sound like you're in a better place right now, like the trip helped you get some perspective. You sound good! Keep it up.

[WCW]

You're right Becca, he might have thought I was being a smarty and rubbing it in, and that's why he asked me to repeat it, and I added another sentence. Hopefully he realized I was sincere....

I don't need to prove I can do it as well as a man, I just do what I can do and let them figure it out for themselves. I would just as soon work shoulder to shoulder (with anyone that can keep up ).

My abbreviations are rusty, what is EC?

Yes, ASSume, bad idea. But it is easy to do when you can't talk about emotions and issues. And thanks for calling me 'young lady'! PMA up!

[Becca1975]

EC is Emotional Connection.

From experience with DBing, I'd guess that when he realized you were sincere, he was probably taken aback a bit....didn't know what to say. He will probably have to think about that one a little bit

[WCW]

I think it did help, having some days without the daily grind, and what really helped is not getting totally rejected by him last night or this morning. I know! that's not detached at all. And now I need to back off a little on the physical side, hugs, etc. and let him wonder what's up, and stay happy while I'm doing it, or not doing it.

The hard part is planning to be together while preparing for the opposite. Yikes!