Becca, I hope we're not married to the same guy! that's a whole new set of problems! amd- you need a refresher, I need new batteries for the tape player!
I have some new thoughts running through my head. I did not want a repeat of our last reunion when H came home from his trip, and even though I would have liked to tear his clothes off when we were both home last night, I didn’t try. But I also didn’t want to fall right back into our rutted routine of unhappy behavior when we are alone. Last night I took a shower, and then asked H if he would trade back rubs with me. By this time he was laying on the couch with his eyes closed, he ignored me. I touched his arm and asked again, he said he didn’t need a back rub, pause, but could give me one. Then I told him that on this trip (driving with people that were a little scary) I realized that I really appreciated his driving expertise. He said ‘what? Explain that.’ I said it again, and added that during our trips over the years I had started taking for granted how much I appreciated his driving expertise and wanted him to know that I did. His reply was hard to hear, but along the lines of ‘because I wrecked your truck last spring’. I asked him to repeat it but he wouldn’t. (We were in a bad wreck, truck was totaled and extensive trailer damage, not H’s fault at all, and I think because HE was driving we lived to tell about it. Yes, I have told him that.) I went to bed, and H did come to rub my back, but did not offer to lay in bed with me. It was short but sweet, we were both dog tired.
His remark made me put some things together, that wreck, his accident/injury last year, his feelings of my constant rejection of him previously (although he does remember differently if I point it out), his putting my truck fender in a tree just a few weeks ago, all this adds up to some pretty low esteem of how he feels about himself. And I’ll even add that he feels low about the whole affair and the last couple years. He also turned 50 during all of this, and because he still isn’t doing things as much as he used too, he doesn’t get the limelight that he is used too. Just my comment about appreciating him got a negative response. A few weeks ago his theatrical leaving in the middle of the night drama. This is a man crying for attention, needing to be needed, feeling low about him. Yet when I try I run up against a brick wall. And the last few weeks, when I’ve been feeling the exact same way, we went sour.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our summer and early fall, how much progress I felt we had made. I made myself happy, we were busy, and H was getting closer to me. About the same time ow had a birthday, H planned his trip, I reacted bad, the last month has been full of fear and doubt on my part. Then H tells me he is keeping an eye open for a place to move. That’s the last thing I want to happen.
People tell me about H and he is always kidding and teasing with them, but he’s not that way with me anymore again. He was for a while, but I let myself quit being happy with him. I focused on negative, woe is me. Why would he want to hang around me? Which brings me back to why I couldn’t let last night continue how we were before my trip. When H got home he helped me with chores, actually I helped him as things changed while I was gone, we had something to eat at the same time at the same table, I asked questions about his hunting and he responded in full sentences and filled me in on some neighbor stuff. I had to ask, but he rubbed my back. This morning, I said good morning and so did he. I was in my bathrobe and he was sitting without a shirt on. I reached for his hand and asked for a hug, he got up, and I opened my robe and I hugged him for a long time, not a real warm response from him but not a reject either. Shock and awe? The last month was a major backslide after so much good progress. I have a lot of work to do to regain that ground and move forward again.
Things to remember – Be happy Smile Make nice conversation Compliment and appreciate It’s okay to ask for help
I’m still sorting out about how to share what I do in my days. H never asks, I assume he doesn’t care. But is that because I haven’t shared so he quit asking? I’ve seen some of this in other threads, why don’t they ask about us? Why are we omitted from them caring? Can it be that H doesn’t want to ask because of doom and gloom answers? After all, my marriage and life sucks, why would he want to know about that? Rather than wondering what direction this marriage is headed, I need to build the path we are taking. People are asking about plans for next year, I don't know how to answer them. Thoughts run thru my mind - will H and I be together? Going forward I am going to answer as though I think everything is fine, and make plans as if. I'm not going to ask H if he will still be around, I'm not going to give him the opportunity to talk about leaving. (BigAl, is that why you said I'm a hard woman to leave?)
Did I mention that H got a real nice 8 point buck this weekend? He hasn’t hunted for years, and this year he takes a big trip and gets a nice elk cow. Hunts again and gets a nice buck. That’s got to be great for his esteem!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
