Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

As expected, H came home last minute and we rushed off late to the meeting. I plugged in a new CD that we just received in the mail from a friend as an appreciation gift for us, I figured it was a good way to squelch the expected silence. About half way thru the 45 minute drive, H says 'oh crap' and hits the brakes. I looked around, expecting to see flashing lights behind us, and said what's wrong? He asked if I brought the box of correspondence for the meeting, I said "yes I did". No thanks or anything for saving his butt, again.
The meeting went well enough, there were only two chairs left so H had to sit near me, he even poured me a glass of water, and during the meeting had to ask me several questions about stuff that he couldn't remember. It seems so weird to sit there like a couple in front of people and talk about what we know, and then behind the closed doors..... On the drive home I talked about a situation that I was in that was relevant to a conversation during the evening, made an opening line this situation happened to me, H said 'oh really' and that was it. He just doesn't care about me or what happens to me, he won't ask.

We got home and I laid on the floor in front of the heater and warmed my back and watched the end of the football game. H was on the laptop. Game over, we were both moving about the house and ended up near each other while H took his boots off. I moved next to him for a hug, and he walked away and sat down and looked at me. I went to the bedroom, but felt defiant enough that I put my bathrobe on and went back out and asked for a hug. He obliged.

This morning I woke up early, and went back out to warm up by the heater. H was sleeping on the floor on a pile of blankets in front of the heater, I asked if I could share it with him and he said yes, even moved over to make room for me and I thought made a move to share the blanket he had over him, but when I put my feet under it he threw the whole thing my direction. I said I just wanted a piece for my feet. H tossed and turned, put his back in my direction while stretching, so I rubbed it for a few minutes. Soon it was time to get up, and after my shower H started a conversation about the news, then was in the shower when I left for work.

I am so tired of containing my feelings and acting indifferent, and I don't think it's getting results. I think back to this summer and prior to his trip, and how positive things were going. That's when I mixed things, hugs, smiles, distant, fun, space, silly, advice, support, touch, compliments. H even spent a couple nights in our bed with me, I truly thought we were coming back together. Then he planned his trip without me and it's been hell again since then. Was he too scared about the positive direction we were going? Is he getting pressure from OW again? We did discuss yesterday about her being a wedge between us. H denied that and I shouldn't blame everyone else for our problems, and I asked if he could truly say that she was not a part of our problems and that she is a wedge keeping us apart? he said it wouldn't have to be that way. I did ask then why the continued secrets and contact between them, if he had to run over to her to give electrical advice why not tell me and I could go along? I'd like to ask more about how he thinks we can remove OW as being a wedge between us. (side story - last year after H's injury, I had to communicate with OW. At the time she was still married but living separate from her H. She made some comments about her H, so I took the bait and asked how things were, she said she would kill him but she didn't look good in orange, meaning the jail clothes. I'd like to call her and ask what she thinks about being dressed in black forever. I'd sure like her to just bow out of our lives and not confuse our situation even more.)

Other than chores that has to be done, H is not engaging in anything else around home. I can't remember the last time he was on a horse, for business or pleasure, maybe Oct 2 when a whole group went on a ride. He's been letting the distance grow not just from me but from the whole place, just as I have been again because I am wallowing in my pity party. I've brought us back from spots like this before, but I am having doubts myself if the effort is worth the short term results. I will continue, I will keep trying to soften H again. But just as yesterday when I acted on a gut instinct and found what I found, maybe I do have to listen to what my gut is telling me even if I don't like what it is saying.