Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[Becca1975]

I think it is important that after you have a session like you had this morning, that you give some time and space. He has a lot to think about now. I don't think the text message was a bad idea (I'm doing similar things) but think of it as a flirtatious kind of hint...like a stepping stone to a future encounter...don't expect anything to happen tonite. If it does, then that is great...but if you aren't expecting it, you will be less hurt. Wink at him sometime tonite..just catch his eye and wink. Just flirt for a while and let him have some space. He has to realize that he wants you.

[amd]

{{{{{WCW}}}}
Don't know what to say except that you've gotten good advice here, especailly from Big Al and Optimist. I bet getting that off your chest feels good somewhere amid the uncertainty, huh? I'm thinking of you.

[WCW]

Becca, from Idaho, that's where H lived before he moved here to be with me and start our life together. Hohum.

Thanks for your input. I expect nothing tonight from H, I do believe he'll come home and act as it this morning never happened. I know he had deep feelings of emotion, and being physical was so much a part of our lives, we discussed it often. So I'll see if BigAl King of Flirt can give me some lessons on flirting too. Any other ideas on how he can realize he wants me? and again, my optimistic mind keeps thinking he already knows he does, he just can't let his guard down and let me inside. His pride is in the way. Must be my vanity, how could this guy not want me?

I keep thinking of other bits and pieces of this morning, wish I could get to the keyboard when I think of them. One thing was HE didn't think IT was there, I'd like to know if that's just him or if he thinks IT is not there for me either. And what I can do to emphasize that it really is, but I have it bottled up because I am afraid to let it out for fear of chasing him away. I'd love to shower him with affection and physicalness, but I'm confused and afraid of the wrong consequences. Can I feed him that information?

[Becca1975]

I just moved here a few months ago.

What would you do to attract the attention of a new guy? They say to pretend that this is a brand new relationship (it is in a way) and act that way...so if you started chatting up a guy in the grocery store line...what sorts of things would you do/say to keep him interested and let him know that you were interested? A wink....a hint. A suggestive text message. Go about life acting like the total hottie that you really are....this will sound really corny but I happen to know that any time I bend over, my H looks at my rear...so do I just happen to bend over and pick something up while wearing the tightest pair of jeans that i own? Heck yeah! For me, the most fun part of it is making it seem like I didn't intend to do anything at all..then he cannot come back and say that I "tried" to do anything. Wear something a little low cut and pretend that you did not know that your boobages were pushing right up out of your shirt. Be the innocent and the diva at the same time.

[aynesr]

I'd love to shower him with affection and physicalness, but I'm confused and afraid of the wrong consequences.

Dear WCW, in my humble opinion, I would wait 24-48 hours. I would think he needs some time to think about the morning. I would wait. Best of luck.

[WCW]

You'd think I have nothing better to do than sit here at the keyboard all night, but I'm waiting for H to come home to head for our meeting. And maybe he's not coming home and I'll be late. But he did ask this morning what time it started tonight.

I asked H this morning to talk to me, we have to get our feelings out to resolve anything. I asked what made me such a bad person that he could not even talk to me or carry on a conversation about our relationship. His reply was 'first of all, you're not a bad person.' Okay, so he acknowledges that. I want to scream at him then "WHAT is the problem?"

BigAl, I wear a front hook, should I still ask for help? There's a burned out light bulb in the barn that needs a ladder to get to it, been burned out for a while but now it gets dark so early we use the lights more. Is that the type of thing I should ask him to do? isn't that just nagging, cause I can easily do it myself? H will occassionally comment during conversations about women who can't do anything for themselves, or husbands that won't allow them. I have doubts he will fall for the weak woman plot, he complains about weak women. That's what I don't get, he'll run to help OW but can't even give me an opinion for something around here when I ask.

[WCW]

As expected, H came home last minute and we rushed off late to the meeting. I plugged in a new CD that we just received in the mail from a friend as an appreciation gift for us, I figured it was a good way to squelch the expected silence. About half way thru the 45 minute drive, H says 'oh crap' and hits the brakes. I looked around, expecting to see flashing lights behind us, and said what's wrong? He asked if I brought the box of correspondence for the meeting, I said "yes I did". No thanks or anything for saving his butt, again.
The meeting went well enough, there were only two chairs left so H had to sit near me, he even poured me a glass of water, and during the meeting had to ask me several questions about stuff that he couldn't remember. It seems so weird to sit there like a couple in front of people and talk about what we know, and then behind the closed doors..... On the drive home I talked about a situation that I was in that was relevant to a conversation during the evening, made an opening line this situation happened to me, H said 'oh really' and that was it. He just doesn't care about me or what happens to me, he won't ask.

We got home and I laid on the floor in front of the heater and warmed my back and watched the end of the football game. H was on the laptop. Game over, we were both moving about the house and ended up near each other while H took his boots off. I moved next to him for a hug, and he walked away and sat down and looked at me. I went to the bedroom, but felt defiant enough that I put my bathrobe on and went back out and asked for a hug. He obliged.

This morning I woke up early, and went back out to warm up by the heater. H was sleeping on the floor on a pile of blankets in front of the heater, I asked if I could share it with him and he said yes, even moved over to make room for me and I thought made a move to share the blanket he had over him, but when I put my feet under it he threw the whole thing my direction. I said I just wanted a piece for my feet. H tossed and turned, put his back in my direction while stretching, so I rubbed it for a few minutes. Soon it was time to get up, and after my shower H started a conversation about the news, then was in the shower when I left for work.

I am so tired of containing my feelings and acting indifferent, and I don't think it's getting results. I think back to this summer and prior to his trip, and how positive things were going. That's when I mixed things, hugs, smiles, distant, fun, space, silly, advice, support, touch, compliments. H even spent a couple nights in our bed with me, I truly thought we were coming back together. Then he planned his trip without me and it's been hell again since then. Was he too scared about the positive direction we were going? Is he getting pressure from OW again? We did discuss yesterday about her being a wedge between us. H denied that and I shouldn't blame everyone else for our problems, and I asked if he could truly say that she was not a part of our problems and that she is a wedge keeping us apart? he said it wouldn't have to be that way. I did ask then why the continued secrets and contact between them, if he had to run over to her to give electrical advice why not tell me and I could go along? I'd like to ask more about how he thinks we can remove OW as being a wedge between us. (side story - last year after H's injury, I had to communicate with OW. At the time she was still married but living separate from her H. She made some comments about her H, so I took the bait and asked how things were, she said she would kill him but she didn't look good in orange, meaning the jail clothes. I'd like to call her and ask what she thinks about being dressed in black forever. I'd sure like her to just bow out of our lives and not confuse our situation even more.)

Other than chores that has to be done, H is not engaging in anything else around home. I can't remember the last time he was on a horse, for business or pleasure, maybe Oct 2 when a whole group went on a ride. He's been letting the distance grow not just from me but from the whole place, just as I have been again because I am wallowing in my pity party. I've brought us back from spots like this before, but I am having doubts myself if the effort is worth the short term results. I will continue, I will keep trying to soften H again. But just as yesterday when I acted on a gut instinct and found what I found, maybe I do have to listen to what my gut is telling me even if I don't like what it is saying.

[Becca1975]

WCW, Sounds like maybe it is time to throw yourself back into the DBing and 180's....put a little space between you and give him time to miss you. I know how hard that is, especially after you have moved forward this far.

I'm sorry he is being difficult for you...:( I know sometimes they just need some space to sort things through again. (((hugs)))

[aynesr]

Dear WCW, it seems that we both are in the similar situation, even we've came to it from a different angles. I've reviewed all what I've been trying to do since all this started, and it seems that whatever I tried, just didn't lead to any significant change.

There were changes, but either not significant, or they have not lasted for a long time. So, I was asking why it is. Why is it W doesn’t respond, and yet she is still lives with me?

Slowly, slowly I understand that all this is not quite about me, WCW. It really is not. It is about her. She undergoes her own process. MC calls it a transition, a growth process. Other may call it MLC.

WHATEVER. Your H may undergo something similar as well. So, what shall we do? Well, with my C I started working on focusing more and more, if not ALL OF IT, on myself.

Not that I do not care about her, I do. DBing has helped me great deal to learn about myself, and how to use changes that I made to improve my R. So, 180, Act as if - these are wonderful techniques, but they affect mostly us, and not our S.

So, I guess we have no choice but let them go through their process. Let's take care for ourselves, WCW. We deserve it.

My latest life

[WCW]

Yes, 180's, DB'ing, take care of myself. All things to reinstate, for me. I am going on the trip, at least so far, two more calls to make arrangements and then I leave early morning Wednesday. I also called about some bills, dealing with things I have ignored doing out of dread to put things back in just my name. Taking care of myself also includes protecting financial interests. Is it time to talk to my family and get some support from them? I have not said anything to them for fear of their reaction to H and making him unwelcome if there is a future.