Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

I had a strong feeling this morning and acted on my hunch. I probably should have squelched that feeling, but I didn't and can't take back the morning.

I left work and went to drive by OW's house, and just as I turned the last corner - sure enough - H comes driving over the hill. I'm not sure who got caught, him or me. Both of us I guess. Once he got close and recognized me, I thought he was going to just keep going, but he did stop and back up. So we sat on the road in our vehicles(quiet road but we had to keep moving when the sporadic traffic came thru) for close to two hours. He asked what I was doing, I said I was just going on a hunch. I asked what his business was there this morning, OW called with some electrical questions, so I asked if he was an electrical consultant now, and I could use some of that for the outlets at home that don't work. Said some more things I shouldn't have, but not near as much as I would have liked to have said. I'm hung on the fact that he still says he has never done anything wrong and is not guilty of anything, I said never once have you acknowledged the pain that he has caused me over the last two years. He said he was sorry that I felt that way, but he still couldn't say he was sorry for being the source. I said if it is true he is not guilty of anything then why did he keep all contact a secret and why does he continue? he just won't answer, except to say that I am trying to blame everyone else for our problems. We finally talked about the summer and fall of 2002, we had just bought adjoining acreage in the spring and spent much of our summer making fences and enjoying our new property, riding together and marvelling that is was truly ours. H brought up that while making fence he would try to initiate intimacy and I rejected him, he is absolutely right. H also said I told I was afraid that everytime he touched it would end up in sex, he is right again. I told him I had those exact same thoughts and I regret those times I rejected him and I didn't know how much I was hurting him and damaging his ego and pride. We both had tears at that time. And I said I regret being honest and telling him how I felt at that time, but I thought that is what people did for each other, expressed honest emotions. He said he can't trust me with his feelings because I've talked to other people, and I said I felt the same because I know things that's he's told OW also about me and us. I stated that any talking I did to other people happened after the fact, and that he is trying to blame me for talking to a few people for the reason he can't share feelings with me. I asked if he thought I always rejected him, because I also remember how we talked about both of us being so tired and falling into bed asleep. He does remember that too, and he also remembers that I would initiate intimacy/sex. He said he knows that people can't be horny every day and rip clothes off and have sex all the time. I said there are many days I think that exact thing, how when we get home I would love to take our clothes off and jump in bed, but we don't even find time to have a sandwich together. I asked how we should look at the future, he played dumb. I asked again about the future, he said he was keeping his eyes open for a place to move. I asked if that was to move on or for time to regroup, he basically said for space and to move on. He couldn't find any optimism, and didn't think it was real. I asked what 'it' was. He finally said any feelings or any chance or hope for us. I said that was the difference in us, I still had some optimism and before we split things up I'd like for both of us to give another real effort. I said either way wouldn't be easy and would take a lot of time and effort. I asked why he has stayed as long as he has, he only said he didn't know. I also asked what he was afraid of, he asked what I meant. I asked why he was afraid to to work on us, to talk about us. He said some of the same things over again. Somehow we got on the subject of the farmer neighbor that wants to rent the land, he stops in every year and did again the other night. I said 2 years ago we should rent to him, overall it would be a better deal for us. Now H thought that it would make better sense to rent to this guy, it would be easier for hay,etc.... I said yes, but also wondered if that farmer would be interested in buying that land. H asked why I wanted to sell it, I said it's not that I would want too but I couldn't afford the place on my own and I assumed he couldn't either. He agreed, but offered that maybe there was a way for him to help me keep it. No details. I also said if we didn't have all the livestock we wouldn't need all the hay,etc. so he wants to know why I'd sell everything. Maybe he has some grand scheme and has been hiding money, but I know the balance in the accounts I know about and most everything would have to be sold. Before we both drove away I got out and asked for a hug, that was a big risk, and he wasn't very receptive but did. I asked him to think about something positive and if he would at least consider a real try before we split things up. He gave a small yes nod.

What I can't tell if it is my optimism thinking that he really will think positive thoughts about a real try, or if it's just him not being strong enough to tell me that we are done and he is out of here. If I could just crack the shell, put a dent in his armour, knock a brick out of his wall, I think I could get a piece of happiness started that could begin rebuilding us. What have I done that makes him so afraid to feel anything for me?

Been a heck of Monday already. We have a meeting tonight with a 45 minute drive each direction. I guess days like today are good for the weight issue. Is there anything positive I can take from today?