Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Hi AV8R, thanks for flying by! I have to admit that grubby/sloppy does make my list on occasion.....what else do you wear while taking out the manure? I need gold plated stall doors too, but I think my stalls are different??

Feeling bummed this weekend. No change in H, distant and disconnected. Today he went around the kitchen island and was secretly txtmssging on his cell phone, of course I'm too dumb to know this, so when I looked at him he had this big surprise look on his face and when I walked over he slid his phone in his pocket. I bet it was about my Christmas present, right? I did start some stuff on Saturday morning and he actually helped or took over while I worked on some more things, so that was a goal reached, that we work on outside things that need to be done before snow flies. So much more to do there too, so I can't really say I accomplished the goal, but we did do some stuff together that needed to be done. He wasn't very happy about helping, said it wasn't what he wanted to do. I said it wasn't what I wanted to do either but it still had to be done. While eating breakfast at lunch time, I asked if he'd be coming along to the late day activities, a chili supper, and moonlight ride. He declined them all, but I went, got a few miles down the road and he called about some other things. Turned out none of the group went on a moonlight ride, it rained. But we did play a dice game, and when they wanted to keep playing I said I either had to go home now or make it an all nighter. It was tempting, but my horse was with me, I went home. H was outside with a spotlight looking for the two youngest horses that hadn't come back from pasture yet. I rode out to find them, so I guess I got my ride in anyway, found the youngsters, mission accomplished.

Today we attended a banquet for year end awards for a local horse group. I won our division, H was reserve. He congratulated me, then wondered how I won. So that was my highlight.

We need to start planning our ranch schedule for next year. I'm already getting questions from patrons about our agenda. I asked H about it, he just said "I don't know." Ya know what? I don't know either and I'm tired of planning and draggin him along and holding up the dead weight. The closest I got for a commitment from him on anything was when I asked about which winter fence to put up when the corn is all off the field and he said both.

Battling pms too, I think it best if this coast mode just continues for a while longer. It makes me terribly sad that I'm not able to have a full conversation with my H, or engage in anything real. But again, I do think it's mostly his reacting to me, I just haven't found a healthy PMA for the last few weeks. I have to go buy a smile and paste it on.

[WCW]

I agree totally Opti, being together can make you feel together, etc. Which is also why he won't do things like that, he won't sleep in our bed, he won't hug, he won't be a generally nice guy. And I can't crack the turtle shell this mule has around him, and I haven't had much try in me lately to make the attempts. It'll come back, soon I hope.
I'll be right over...

[Phoenix_spark]

Put your heals in, loosen the reigns (put a smile on your face) and lets see who will outlast who. That's my plan now a days. Success is slow, but I see who's winning, and I know I'm doing the right thing. You can do this, you just have keep at it.

[WCW]

Thanks Phoenix, my heels are in but it's wearing thin and I may have to take my boots to the boot repair to continue. I have to have fun and smile lots more than I have been, and be fun to be around. Quit letting H bug me so much by doing nothing.

[WCW]

I had a strong feeling this morning and acted on my hunch. I probably should have squelched that feeling, but I didn't and can't take back the morning.

I left work and went to drive by OW's house, and just as I turned the last corner - sure enough - H comes driving over the hill. I'm not sure who got caught, him or me. Both of us I guess. Once he got close and recognized me, I thought he was going to just keep going, but he did stop and back up. So we sat on the road in our vehicles(quiet road but we had to keep moving when the sporadic traffic came thru) for close to two hours. He asked what I was doing, I said I was just going on a hunch. I asked what his business was there this morning, OW called with some electrical questions, so I asked if he was an electrical consultant now, and I could use some of that for the outlets at home that don't work. Said some more things I shouldn't have, but not near as much as I would have liked to have said. I'm hung on the fact that he still says he has never done anything wrong and is not guilty of anything, I said never once have you acknowledged the pain that he has caused me over the last two years. He said he was sorry that I felt that way, but he still couldn't say he was sorry for being the source. I said if it is true he is not guilty of anything then why did he keep all contact a secret and why does he continue? he just won't answer, except to say that I am trying to blame everyone else for our problems. We finally talked about the summer and fall of 2002, we had just bought adjoining acreage in the spring and spent much of our summer making fences and enjoying our new property, riding together and marvelling that is was truly ours. H brought up that while making fence he would try to initiate intimacy and I rejected him, he is absolutely right. H also said I told I was afraid that everytime he touched it would end up in sex, he is right again. I told him I had those exact same thoughts and I regret those times I rejected him and I didn't know how much I was hurting him and damaging his ego and pride. We both had tears at that time. And I said I regret being honest and telling him how I felt at that time, but I thought that is what people did for each other, expressed honest emotions. He said he can't trust me with his feelings because I've talked to other people, and I said I felt the same because I know things that's he's told OW also about me and us. I stated that any talking I did to other people happened after the fact, and that he is trying to blame me for talking to a few people for the reason he can't share feelings with me. I asked if he thought I always rejected him, because I also remember how we talked about both of us being so tired and falling into bed asleep. He does remember that too, and he also remembers that I would initiate intimacy/sex. He said he knows that people can't be horny every day and rip clothes off and have sex all the time. I said there are many days I think that exact thing, how when we get home I would love to take our clothes off and jump in bed, but we don't even find time to have a sandwich together. I asked how we should look at the future, he played dumb. I asked again about the future, he said he was keeping his eyes open for a place to move. I asked if that was to move on or for time to regroup, he basically said for space and to move on. He couldn't find any optimism, and didn't think it was real. I asked what 'it' was. He finally said any feelings or any chance or hope for us. I said that was the difference in us, I still had some optimism and before we split things up I'd like for both of us to give another real effort. I said either way wouldn't be easy and would take a lot of time and effort. I asked why he has stayed as long as he has, he only said he didn't know. I also asked what he was afraid of, he asked what I meant. I asked why he was afraid to to work on us, to talk about us. He said some of the same things over again. Somehow we got on the subject of the farmer neighbor that wants to rent the land, he stops in every year and did again the other night. I said 2 years ago we should rent to him, overall it would be a better deal for us. Now H thought that it would make better sense to rent to this guy, it would be easier for hay,etc.... I said yes, but also wondered if that farmer would be interested in buying that land. H asked why I wanted to sell it, I said it's not that I would want too but I couldn't afford the place on my own and I assumed he couldn't either. He agreed, but offered that maybe there was a way for him to help me keep it. No details. I also said if we didn't have all the livestock we wouldn't need all the hay,etc. so he wants to know why I'd sell everything. Maybe he has some grand scheme and has been hiding money, but I know the balance in the accounts I know about and most everything would have to be sold. Before we both drove away I got out and asked for a hug, that was a big risk, and he wasn't very receptive but did. I asked him to think about something positive and if he would at least consider a real try before we split things up. He gave a small yes nod.

What I can't tell if it is my optimism thinking that he really will think positive thoughts about a real try, or if it's just him not being strong enough to tell me that we are done and he is out of here. If I could just crack the shell, put a dent in his armour, knock a brick out of his wall, I think I could get a piece of happiness started that could begin rebuilding us. What have I done that makes him so afraid to feel anything for me?

Been a heck of Monday already. We have a meeting tonight with a 45 minute drive each direction. I guess days like today are good for the weight issue. Is there anything positive I can take from today?

[bigAl]

Big hugs WCW. Wow what day.

Is there anything positive I can take from today?

Yeah, you got it off your chest. It's been eating at you for a long time deari,e and you have finally said your piece and faced what might come. A little weight off those already way too weighted down shoulders.

AND, I'm telling you he still hasn't decided. He doesn't know why he is still with you, but we do. He loves you and you are a damn hard woman to walk away from. Hang in there. We're thinking of you.

[optimist2004]

Gosh WCW,
I don't even know what to say. But, I didn't want that to keep me from sending warm thoughts your way. I'm so sorry things are so hard. Right now things look positive for me. But, things have looked at least as negative for me in the past as they do for you now. My H acted very much the same as yours. That's not to say things won't backslide for me, but that all situations can and do go from bad to much better. And I do hear in the conversation from today that your H is not yet able to let go of your R. THAT's the positive. I know the hard part is how long you have to hang in there. I guess that's where you power and choice lies. You decide when to keep going and when to change directions.

Hang in there. (((WARM FUZZIES)))

[WCW]

Thanks BigAl. Is he afraid to feel for me again? am I too strong? how can I soften him just a little to consider a real try?

OW can suck him by needing him to help her with things at her place. She crooks a finger and he can't get there fast enough. We need things done at home and they go unnoticed and unfixed, and if I say anything I'm nagging. So I don't, and I try to take care of it myself. Then I'm too strong and don't need him, and he doesn't like that. What's right? what's wrong?

After our talk about all day thoughts of sex and tearing clothes off, I sent him a text message. I said "lets rip our clothes off when you get home...." Will he be mad? will he think it's funny? I just don't know, but I have to keep trying.

[bigAl]

Is he afraid to feel for me again?

Yes he is

am I too strong?

No you are not.


how can I soften him just a little to consider a real try

Not by playing her games. For one thing he knows you better than that. Now come on. There has to be something he does for you because you need it - reach something on the top shelf, unbutton your bra on the back , something.


After our talk about all day thoughts of sex and tearing clothes off, I sent him a text message. I said "lets rip our clothes off when you get home...." Will he be mad? will he think it's funny? I just don't know, but I have to keep trying.

Hmmm. Doesn't matter because you can't help what he thinks. I wonder, what if you just ripped clothes off? I don't know, maybe I have sex on the brain. Maybe you could just rip yours off first and the move on from there?

I guess what I am saying is words are good but actions are better, but I know how hard the fear of rejection is too so you do what you think is best. Just don't build it up too much in your mind. I know you have a meeting tonight and you guys (especially you) may be the most repsonsible people on the face of the earth, but can you skip it? Just a thought.

[WCW]

Opti, I'm so glad for you that things are feeling better. It gives me hope....

What would happen if I tried to initiate? I'm not sure, I tried when he got home from his trip and it didn't go well. He was braced against it, which might be just what my text mssge did, brace him up again. And maybe it softened him up too, all I can do is feel him out when he gets home, but I doubt there will be time anyway, which goes back to the beginning of the problems. No time.

Can we skip the meeting tonight? Sure, if the world stops turning! No, we are not that important and neither is this meeting. But this is the organization that H skipped last time when he took off on his trip, and being he is chairman he should show up to this one and take care of business that has been hanging for 2 months (and stuff that I did NOT do for him).

My thoughts is that he'll come home and act like this morning never happened. And someday he won't come home.