Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Love and respect, there’s those things in the marriage vows that seem to be on the back burner if not totally fried away. Is it possible to put fresh juice in the pot and bring it back to usable? It sure has proved to be challenging.

AMD, I think I’ve said about the same thing somewhere in a post, maybe in someone else’s. I figure here and now I still need to keep trying to put this all back in a good spot, and if it still doesn’t work I have the rest of my life to move on.

Slowly, Howdy! I AM young, not just at heart! It sure doesn’t feel like I can possibly be as old as the calendar says I am (which is still very young). The only hint I have is that people always said the older you get the faster time goes….and it sure does fly! I’ve really been trying not to let H’s attitude affect my PMA so much. It still does, but I remind myself that HIS attitude isn’t always affected by me. If he comes home in a bad mood and distant, it’s probably not my fault and I just be me and let him be however he wants. He did make some rotten comment the other night while I was cleaning the kitchen table, can’t even remember what it was, and I just looked at him but never said a word, and all of a sudden he had a different tone in his voice.

This trip – it would be a ME ME ME trip. I haven’t gone anywhere fun on my own for years. Once was July and that was overnight to volunteer with an organization we are both involved in. The other time was to stay with my sister for a week after she had surgery, that was 8(?) years ago. There has been a few business trips I had to go on, a few days here and there. What I would love to do is not say a word about it, just leave that day and not come home, and see if H would even notice I’m gone. He wouldn’t call either, it would be that stubborn thing, and he can have pretty long ears when it comes to that! Kind of like getting back at him for all the misery he’s caused me by not coming home until whenever he feels like it, or always threatening to leave and I don’t know when he’d come back. So having said that, it won’t happen that way if I do go. The trip would mostly be because it is a chance to go see some things that I haven’t had the opportunity to do yet in this ‘short’ life I’ve led. It would be fun! It would be something that H would enjoy seeing also, and there would be room for him to come along. But after the trip we just had and how he’s been since we got home, I just don’t know right now if I want to spend that much time with him so close and if I’d like him along even if there is other people too, so I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. I can’t say that it would be anything that would draw H closer, or that it would be another wedge between us either. My concern is that he might consider it ‘retaliation’ for the trip he just took. Outwardly he wouldn’t care either way, and what he would be thinking on the inside or emotionally I won’t have access to those thoughts. So, I will most likely do the right thing, tell H about and ask if he would like to go also, and then make sure there is arrangements made for me and him and everything at home if he does want to come. I’m not 100% sure yet, but I’m really leaning towards going. And I just won a bonus prize from work that would cover almost half the trip! There! That’s what I think I want!

Daily life continues. Didn’t hear from H or anyone all day yesterday, and thought I would have heard some kind of plan about the new dog. So, after work, get this! – I went to a tanning bed. Never done that in my life, but there is a place I drive by everyday that is having a $2.00 sale. So I stopped, and ‘tanned’. I might even go back some more until you can tell a difference, as long as it stays on sale anyway. I figure I can save $2.00 by cutting back on lunches again, which I need to do anyway. When I drove in the driveway at home there was H’s XSIL and her H, and their dog. I got out and went to greet them, and let our dogs out and they all met, and did their dog stuff, and we yacked a while, and then H drove in. Now this was about 4pm, I’m not sure I remember the last time he’s been home that early. Weird, especially for a Thursday, was it special enough to come see XSIL and ow had to be left alone? The couple didn’t stay too long, they said goodbye to their beloved dog and cried and drove away to spend the night with other relatives in a neighboring state. So now we have 4 dogs. This poor dog was pretty scared and confused, he had been an only dog with just 2 people in his life. Boy is HE in for a change of life! The dog was nervous, and wouldn’t let us touch him and he wouldn’t come inside. HHmm, now what? So we went about our normal business, H went off to do something, I did chores and had a couple horses to ride, and H eventually wandered to the barn where I was. Still couldn’t get his hands on the dog. He walked back to the house with all the dogs, I finished up riding and went to the house, he still couldn’t coax the dog inside. I opened the car door, the dog jumped in, and I put a leash on him. Dog was just fine after that!

H was a little friendlier last night, at least we had some conversation, and actually sat at the table at the same time and had some soup. My back is sooooo sore, and before I went to bed I offered to trade back rubs again if he wanted too, but he never took the offer.

I/we are invited to ride with a group of folks on Saturday, and if it stays this nice I think I will. I can get some stuff done at home tonight and in the morning, and then go have some fun. Don’t know if H will join us or if he even remembers, should I remind him? I suppose, I’ll do the right thing again. Geez, I’m tired of always being responsible and thoughtful. Maybe someday………H will appreciate me again………He did say thanks this morning for the flavored coffee I bought for him, just before he walked off to the shower to avoid me again before I left today.

Is it possible that he feels guilty and embarrassed by his theatrical actions from last Friday night? I’m trying to think how I would feel if I did something that stupid. Is that why he’s so far away again this week? I don’t know, can’t figure him out, get on with my business.