amd- BB buddy withdrawal, isn't that oh so true? PMA goes up when there is a response here. A friend! Cool! anesyr - you are good, setting goals and getting them knocked off your list. You're exactly right, I need that to happen for me!
It will still be hard work, frustrating, and determination to stay strong. I have to be the constant factor that never waivers, while H is wishywashy and needs the time to make up his mind that I am his best choice. I think he already knows this, but he may never make that choice because he can’t be wrong and he doesn’t know how to come back and ‘save face’. I have mixed feelings about having a conversation and just stating a few things so he knows these thoughts – I will accept him back and I want him in my life but our lives need to be better than this, I would like him to acknowledge that he has caused me much pain over the last two years (he has never made acknowledgement that he has done anything wrong that would hurt me), we are both strong people and can move on independently but we can better together, if he can’t commit to the rest of his life can he commit to 6 months so we can make a real try without the fear and dread of moving out everyday as this would take a big weight off my shoulders (eliminate the daily dread). I know, that’s breaking the rules again, but aren’t we supposed to change what’s not working?
My first incremental goal since yesterday was to initiate more physical contact. Middle of the evening H sent txt mssge about some business stuff and that he had another stop to make. I replied good about the business stuff and sorry he had to work all day and half the night too, and I’d be happy to trade back rubs. He didn’t respond, and I had a meeting and was gone when he got home. When I got back home I walked in and said Hi, we didn’t talk much, and I eventually went to bed. I wanted to give a hug but he was sitting with his laptop on his lap, and I know it didn’t go over very well last time I tried to remove his laptop from his lap, so I didn’t try. But this morning I was ready to leave for work and he was out of the shower, so I went to give him a hug and he gave me a one armed hug back. Maybe it was just surprise so he did, and I have to remember to do a hug at various times instead of routine expected times. Maybe one of these times I will really throw him into tilt and give him a peck on the cheek too.
More incremental goals – H initiates more communication H initiates more physical contact H accepts my physical contact We list and work on projects that need to be completed before winter – soon! Clean house!
I vacuumed this morning, a rarity for me. I have such a problem with being the only one that ever makes an attempt at cleaning while it takes both us to make a mess. H made a comment the floor looked nice. I reminded him tomorrow his xsil and her husband arrive with the new dog. They are driving accross half the country to bring their dog to us because they know it will have a wonderful happy home and they don't want it anymore. I hope we don't disappoint them too!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
