Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[WCW]

Thanks everyone for checking on me, here's the scoop. Got back late last night from the extended weekend trip, and amazingly we came back together in the same truck. It was close though. It’s long, hope you have coffee or a beer or some snacks.

Here’s the recap –
Getting up at 2:30am is never something that puts me in a good mood, but we wanted to leave early to plan an arrival that wasn’t too late at our destination 15 hours later. I was the first one up, took a shower, and was confusingly surprised when H joined me, he hadn’t done that since before his surprise hunting trip a few weeks ago. He even seemed to bump into me a few times. I noticed, but I just couldn’t process how to react being we hadn’t touched for over a week, so I didn’t. The trip out was pretty uneventful, we took turns driving, I didn’t initiate any talks, I read Love Must Be Tough and finished it, thought a lot and made lists of what I need to do if H follows thru to leave. Guess that didn’t put me in the best of minds for being a good DB’er. The whole trip didn’t consist of more than one hours worth of total conversation but I didn’t necessarily feel any tension, that’s pretty normal for us.
Arrived at our friends, unloaded horses, and had a late supper. Yacked a bit and caught up with them. When we brought our bags in to spend the night they said they had two extra rooms and we could take our pick. I asked H which one he wanted, but either he didn’t catch on or wouldn’t acknowledge it. I picked a room, and he followed me in and set his stuff down. A little later I was nodding off during conversation, and said I was going to bed. Shortly after H came too, in the same bed. Could have put a concrete wall in between us while we slept that night, except for I woke up once and H’s feet were touching mine and rubbing them.
Friday we had breakfast and ended up going to an outdoor hunting store where H likes to spend lots of money, after all he is The Great Hunter now. (ps-Did I tell you I found a charge on the credit for the new gun and all the toys he bought for his last trip? HHmm, now why didn’t he tell me THAT when we discussed the amount of money he was spending on that trip?) Had lunch in the store with the wife of the other couple, and then H had a big dollar item in his hand and I asked why he needed another one of those, what was wrong with the ones he had that he didn’t use? I felt like a mother talking to her little kid about toys he didn’t need. Turned out the item wasn’t on sale like he thought, and left it at the checkout.
From there we proceeded to drive another 3 hours to our conference meetings, the truck was bursting with tension on this drive. I didn’t do anything, and I didn’t do nothing to relieve it. It was just a feeling, and H must have felt it too. Checked into our room, and I knew when I saw two little beds what he had planned for us. I always wonder if we’ll sleep together in a hotel room when there are two beds, and this time I knew we wouldn’t. But that didn’t make it any easier when H crawled into his own bed that night. I didn’t say anything, but I laid there so empty and angry, and I turned the TV on to babysit me. (I do that a lot at home to keep bad thoughts from keeping me awake all night, it helps me sleep and keeps my mind from keeping me awake all night.) Now, while I’m drifting in and out and watching TV, I also hear H snoring. About 1:30am, H gets up, puts his clothes on and starts packing up all his stuff back in his suitcases. I didn’t say anything while he is doing this, he gets ready to go out the door, and comes back and lays the truck keys on the night stand and rubs my elbow, and says see ya ‘round. I asked where he was going, he just said he had to get some sleep, he had meetings all the next day. I asked if there was anything we could talk about, he just said he was going home as he didn’t want to be here anyway. I asked where home was now, and he didn’t know. I said I didn’t agree with him leaving but I wasn’t stopping him, he said that’s the problem we never agree on anything. I then said I turned the TV because I was cold and shaking and couldn’t sleep (I didn’t say it was because I was so upset again by his actions), and I could turn it off, so then he threw everything down took his clothes off and climbed back in his bed. I was so dumb, I should have just let him walk out in the middle of the night in the middle of his convention in a state 1100 miles from home. I guess the book I just read didn’t sink in enough yet, I just can’t practice it when I have to. I had thoughts of my H wandering around the streets and the country with his suitcase and his laptop computer, and would he ever make his way back home or not even try?
The next morning came, H woke up all normal as he gets, said I could turn the TV on the news, isn’t that great of him? He granted me permission to watch TV now. I didn’t. We had meetings all day, evening meal and entertainment was included with the convention, and it was great. We both laughed and made eye contact while laughing. Back at the room I crawled in my bed and went to sleep, H slept in his bed.
Sunday morning H turned on the news, and we watched the news about storms in KY/IN, what a tragedy. It was getting late and we had a breakfast meeting, so I got up to shower and H hung around, I asked if he wanted to join me. He wasn’t sure, but did end up getting in before I was done. One of these mornings, and I can’t for the life of me remember which day, H noticed I was trying to stretch out my back from having “hotel bed back” and offered to help me. Later he mentioned his back grabbed him while he was bending over and he thought it was going out, so I offered a back rub which he took me up on. Also, while passing in the hotel room (both naked) I stopped and hugged him and made a few swipes and rubbed his back, and when I let go he said that felt good while his arm lingered on my waist. I wanted to ask what part – the hug or the back rub- but didn’t, and continued on my way to my clothes. More meetings that ended at noon, drive 3 hours back to friends for the night. I wondered what H would do, and felt sure that he would sleep in the same bed for appearance sake at their house. The option wasn’t there for him to sleep in the other room anyway as they had more company by now staying in that room. That also took away my option to tell him to find another bed to sleep in. Before we went to bed all the guys were talking about hunting and plans for trips and talking big smart guy talk. I looked at H, said he must’ve already forgot that conversation about now his money went to paying all the bills while I spent my money on whatever I wanted. He went on talking even smarter and making some slams at me, and I finally said I was going to bed as H could talk just as mean about me without me there. Before I got my clothes off H was in the room with me. It was odd, this time he almost snuggled and stayed close all night, even though the night was short as we were up at 3am for another early start home.
The drive back – I slept a lot, took my turn at driving too, and asked H about our finance and budget. He said what about it? I said we’re spending more than we are making. He mumbled something in an irritated tone, end of conversation. I didn’t say anything more. Later while I was driving he got nice and started asking about horses, the values, which was for sale. I pulled out a pen and started making a list, naming off each horse and who’s it was and if it was for sale, and he sure was curious to see what I wrote down. I also said we had to save this $ amount each month just for taxes and hay each year, he seemed surprised at that amount. Got home late, carried bags in, I started up the computer and receiving email (takes forever when I haven’t checked it in a while) put in a load of laundry, I said goodnight and went to bed (with the TV on). A while later H came in with something to talk about, then walked back out. This morning was friendly enough for our situation I guess, H asked me about the weather (Weather Channel Woman), I left for work.

It’s now late afternoon, I’m at work, I just got a call from H, he was parking the trailer with my truck and swung the front of the truck into a tree, doesn’t think he bent the fender but popped the headlight out of place. He said he is mad and it just makes him sick, and he’ll take care of it for me. I did not get angry or upset at him, I said that stuff happens, and I wished it didn’t too. This is a 2005 F350 that I just got in May, after H totaled my last truck when we got caught in bad weather and blown off the road with a trailer full of horses. What is ironic about this story is that last year almost this same time I was using my truck and H’s truck to haul hay while H was laid up. Another guy was driving H’s truck and put the gooseneck into the top of the box and made a tiny crinkle in it, H went ballistic when he saw it, as well as laid into me about not asking and those guys don’t drive right blah blah blah. I just said I let you know my plans and this work had to get done and you were in no shape to help and you knew what I was doing. I said I would take care of it, and got quotes etc., but he traded it off before the work got done (and before he went back to work).

My thoughts from this whole trip and weekend, I am in control of this relationship. H is directly affected by my actions and my treatment of him, even if he won’t admit it. He’s a tough guy that’s scared I am going to kick his a$$ out so he threatens to leave and I’m a wuss that says don’t go. For two weeks before this trip we had zero physical contact and no closeness. It drove him nuts (and me), and when he finally crawled into a different bed in the hotel room I think he was expecting a reaction from me and a big blow up, or maybe a make up? When he didn’t get it he pulled a theatrical drama stunt about leaving in the middle of the night. I said don’t go, he stayed, and just a few hours later he was already warming up. I think this is a guy that wants to be coaxed and pleaded and begged to stay with me, he wants to be needed, but when I do he gets irritated. I think I should initiate hugs and physical contact, and ignore his put out attitude when I do. I think he likes it, and I think he wants to make me work da_m hard for him. What’s a woman to do? I AM in control but I don’t know how to control it. I do have a list of things to work on that I came up with on the trip, and still intend to work on the ideas I had about finances.

I did have a teary time when I thought about the holidays coming up, I have not said a word about any of this last two years to any of my family. They all think we are a great couple. If H leaves, I was thinking of what to tell my family when I see them over the holidays. The best answer I came up with is "He's been leaving for 10 years, and this time I didn't stop him. Ask him the rest."

Whew this takes so long to download this from my brain thru my fingers and on a page. Hope you’re all not too bored and sleeping, and have some thoughts and input. Let me have it! I’ll try and visit each of you too as soon as I can, and can get caught up with everything.