My ex wanted to come visit my son this weekend so she could see his first basketball game of the season. She asked if she could stay at my house as she couldn't really afford a hotel. I wrestled with this for a couple of days and agreed. I thought that after the our son's game, I would become scarce and allow the two of them to enjoy each other's company alone.
My ex makes the drive Friday night arriving at my new house pretty late. We had small talk, gave her a tour of my new home, did some unwinding and prepared for bed. After a short while, a knock on my bedroom door startled me as she asked if she could come in. She sat on the floor beside my bed and started crying, repeating many of the same things that were shared on that infamous phone call a couple of months ago. I responded in a similar manner as I am concerned she is motivated strictly by the distance that separates her from our son. The conversation was cordial and lasted about 30 minutes.
We shared our son's basketball game together and afterwards she had made plans for the two of them. While watching the game she asked if I would like to come along. I was tempted but decided that I wasn't going to interfere with their quality time together. I told her that I had made plans myself and did not want to disappoint anyone by canceling at the last moment. I was already in bed when they got back home that evening so there were no other developments.
On Sunday morning, I prepared breakfast and after eating, she and I sat at the table drinking our coffee and started a rather long and deep conversation about our marriage. About 3 hours worth so too much to repeat it all here. We did talk about how she felt as though I took her for granted and left her responsible for the lion's share of duties. I shared how I thought I was contributing and never realized it wasn't being perceived as such. I told her after the divorce that I continued therapy to discover how I could love someone for 12 years and they not feel loved. I told her that I left those sessions many times in tears as I was forced to look inward and come to terms with how badly I hurt her by not being there in ways she needed. I told her I wanted to come by her office to hug her and ask for forgiveness. It was often I left therapy feeling worse. She asked why didn't I? I told her I didn't think it would be appropriate.
She shared that she was hurt by the changes I had made. She said if I were the type person I appear to be now that she would have never wanted to leave the marriage. She said it was painful to feel she was not good enough to warrant those changes while we were married. She felt it was completely unfair that another woman might benefit and have such a wonderful partner when with some effort she could have had that with me.
She talked about how painful it was for her to accept me dating although she understood that it is my perogative and within my "rights" to do so. After all she has been dating the same OM since the divorce. She said she is very confused about life and believes the OM is a very nice person who she cares about. She does admit to some degree that she has had a fear of being alone and being lonely and he was available to address both of those issues. She struggles with happiness and admitted that things did not instantly improve after the divorce. She regrets not giving it more time and effort to save the marriage. She said she has always been quick to pursue what she wants without fully thinking thru what the consequences are going to be.
She indicated that she still loves me and thinks of me but isn't sure she has those feelings. I asked her what was it she wanted. She could not provide a clear answer. She ask me what I wanted. I told her I wanted her to be happy and to find what that would take. I told her it must come from within and not from somebody. I could never consider getting back together as long as she would be depending on me to make her happy. I told her she would have to end the relationship with the OM and be absolutely certain there was no pull back in that direction. We had a long embrace and exchanged kisses on the cheek.
We all went out to dinner in the evening and she was sharing stories with our son about stuff we had done when we dated and the early parts of the marriage. A stroll down memory lane if you will. After getting back home, we played board games and our son dubbed it "divorced family night". We all had a good time. It drained me emotionally as being together was a little too much of a reminder for me.
It took all of my energy this morning as she was leaving to resist any pressure type comments. I hugged her and told her it was nice getting to spend time together. She drove away and for about 15 minutes my heart was heavier than it's been in months. I guess the plan is now for me to watch her actions and see if there are any positive signs.
