I don't speak with anyone who she might confide in. She gained custody of all our friends so I have had zero contact with any of those folks since the divorce.
She mentioned to me in that infamous phone call that she did not like me dating and I responded that she was. She said in a somber tone....yea, I guess thats not fair. I told her it sounded like a classic case of she did not want me but did not want anyone else to have me either. She did not agree or disagree with that statement.
The fact is, I may be feeling similar. It still bothers me some that she is with the OM but as more time passes I think less and less about getting back together. I'm not real sure how to disect that feeling right now.
This past week, my ex has called twice just to "chat". Seemed to be no real purpose to the calls. We did not discuss our son other than she asking what he was doing.
One of the calls was made while she was awaiting a delayed flight. She had been in the airport for several hours and I'm sure she was bored. We got stranded in the same airport many years ago and she asked if I remembered that trip and said this particular city brings her bad luck. It is the first time she has ever walked down the memory lane in a conversation with me.
She is still with the OM but this stuff just keeps getting interesting.
My ex wanted to come visit my son this weekend so she could see his first basketball game of the season. She asked if she could stay at my house as she couldn't really afford a hotel. I wrestled with this for a couple of days and agreed. I thought that after the our son's game, I would become scarce and allow the two of them to enjoy each other's company alone.
My ex makes the drive Friday night arriving at my new house pretty late. We had small talk, gave her a tour of my new home, did some unwinding and prepared for bed. After a short while, a knock on my bedroom door startled me as she asked if she could come in. She sat on the floor beside my bed and started crying, repeating many of the same things that were shared on that infamous phone call a couple of months ago. I responded in a similar manner as I am concerned she is motivated strictly by the distance that separates her from our son. The conversation was cordial and lasted about 30 minutes.
We shared our son's basketball game together and afterwards she had made plans for the two of them. While watching the game she asked if I would like to come along. I was tempted but decided that I wasn't going to interfere with their quality time together. I told her that I had made plans myself and did not want to disappoint anyone by canceling at the last moment. I was already in bed when they got back home that evening so there were no other developments.
On Sunday morning, I prepared breakfast and after eating, she and I sat at the table drinking our coffee and started a rather long and deep conversation about our marriage. About 3 hours worth so too much to repeat it all here. We did talk about how she felt as though I took her for granted and left her responsible for the lion's share of duties. I shared how I thought I was contributing and never realized it wasn't being perceived as such. I told her after the divorce that I continued therapy to discover how I could love someone for 12 years and they not feel loved. I told her that I left those sessions many times in tears as I was forced to look inward and come to terms with how badly I hurt her by not being there in ways she needed. I told her I wanted to come by her office to hug her and ask for forgiveness. It was often I left therapy feeling worse. She asked why didn't I? I told her I didn't think it would be appropriate.
She shared that she was hurt by the changes I had made. She said if I were the type person I appear to be now that she would have never wanted to leave the marriage. She said it was painful to feel she was not good enough to warrant those changes while we were married. She felt it was completely unfair that another woman might benefit and have such a wonderful partner when with some effort she could have had that with me.
She talked about how painful it was for her to accept me dating although she understood that it is my perogative and within my "rights" to do so. After all she has been dating the same OM since the divorce. She said she is very confused about life and believes the OM is a very nice person who she cares about. She does admit to some degree that she has had a fear of being alone and being lonely and he was available to address both of those issues. She struggles with happiness and admitted that things did not instantly improve after the divorce. She regrets not giving it more time and effort to save the marriage. She said she has always been quick to pursue what she wants without fully thinking thru what the consequences are going to be.
She indicated that she still loves me and thinks of me but isn't sure she has those feelings. I asked her what was it she wanted. She could not provide a clear answer. She ask me what I wanted. I told her I wanted her to be happy and to find what that would take. I told her it must come from within and not from somebody. I could never consider getting back together as long as she would be depending on me to make her happy. I told her she would have to end the relationship with the OM and be absolutely certain there was no pull back in that direction. We had a long embrace and exchanged kisses on the cheek.
We all went out to dinner in the evening and she was sharing stories with our son about stuff we had done when we dated and the early parts of the marriage. A stroll down memory lane if you will. After getting back home, we played board games and our son dubbed it "divorced family night". We all had a good time. It drained me emotionally as being together was a little too much of a reminder for me.
It took all of my energy this morning as she was leaving to resist any pressure type comments. I hugged her and told her it was nice getting to spend time together. She drove away and for about 15 minutes my heart was heavier than it's been in months. I guess the plan is now for me to watch her actions and see if there are any positive signs.
The ex called me when she got home from the 6 hour drive to let me know she made it. She indicated she had a good time and thanked me for letting her stay at my house. She said she didn't want to leave and wished she could stay. I told her I understood how difficult leaving our son must be and I would do whatever I could to ease the burden of her travels. Much to my surprise, she stated it wasn't just our son that made leaving difficult. It was because of me too.
She said she made a mistake divorcing me and wants to reconcile but has alot of confusing issues that she must resolve in order to be absolutely sure. I told her that I would be supportive during this time of reflection even if the outcome was not positive. She began to cry and said she has never stopped loving and caring for me but felt the divorce was the answer to her unhappiness. Another regrettable action of many in her life.
I felt badly for her as she was beating herself up pretty good for what she believes is another bad decision. She definately needs to work through some things but I am starting to see the woman I married again. The fog is slowly lifting.
First of all, thank you for these amazing posts! I honestly believe that alot more sitches play out this way eventually, but that it goes unreported. Impossible to say for certain, but I have seen alot of similar stories all over the Internet.
------------------------------------ "She said she made a mistake divorcing me and wants to reconcile but has alot of confusing issues that she must resolve in order to be absolutely sure. I told her that I would be supportive during this time of reflection even if the outcome was not positive. She began to cry and said she has never stopped loving and caring for me but felt the divorce was the answer to her unhappiness. Another regrettable action of many in her life. ------------------------------------
You handled that very well.
Again, I just can't believe how many times I have read these words from women in similar situations.
Frankly, it scares me in that I have been on the exact same course with my W for a year now (well a year of DBing, in her mind several years). I know that she will regret it, as does her family. Actually I think that my W knows, but yet she continues down the path... Tragic and frustating! There seem to be quite a few of us headed down this path in fact...
Jet: Just curious, is this a surprise for you or did it always seem like this day would come?
------------------------------------ I felt badly for her as she was beating herself up pretty good for what she believes is another bad decision. She definately needs to work through some things but I am starting to see the woman I married again. The fog is slowly lifting." ------------------------------------
I can't even imagine what that must be like to see first hand after all of this time. Glad to hear that she seems to be gaining clarity!
I will try to address the question of being surprised. There was always a part of me that thought she would one day wake up and realize she really loved me all along. That feeling started to fade around the 9 month mark of the divorce. After I moved 6 hours away, I had completely closed the door of hope but maintained a watchful eye on this site so as not to forget about my personal growth. So there was a part of me that was surprised and not surprised at the phone call a couple of months back. As for this past weekend, I could sense she was going to introduce the idea again in person based on other behaviors leading up to it.
I will share a couple of the most recent exchanges between my ex and I.
I asked her why did she think she wanted our relationship back. I am extremely cautious about the lonliness she may be experiencing because she no longer can see our son on a regular basis.
She responded: "I don't want back the relationship we had. I want the marriage that I deserved to have in the first place, a husband attentive to my needs. It seems that you have made some changes and the thought of someone else benefiting makes me sick. I deserve that, not someone else!"
Anyone care to analyze that?
As for today, she called me this morning to ask if I could recommend any reading material about happiness and creating it from within. She also inquired about which marriage counselor I would recommend of the ones she is considering.
I got a call from the ex today to tell me she is so confused. She just can't figure out if she is missing me or if her thoughts are generated from missing our son.
She did not specifically say the words but it was apparent that she loves the OM and letting that go is not something she is sure about. I think she may be confused about her feelings for him too. Probably because of missing the family but I'm certain she can't see me as an obvious option because of him.
The bottom line for me during this conversation is there isn't an attraction towards me that she can clearly point to other than the thought of another woman benefitting from my changes. She indicated she has advised the OM she needs space to sort things out but has not broken off relations or contact.
Now I'm unsure how to proceed. A completely hands off approach with life proceeding as normal got me this far but will the situation remain static if no other action is taken? With the distance between us, there isn't much opportunity for a connection to occur.
I can't figure out why this proclamation from her affected me. The first one via the phone call did not even phase me. Perhaps it was spending time with her during her visit that made some of the hurt resurface and the longing for reconcilliation to gain momentum. In many ways, I feel as though I have gone back approximately 6 months in my healing process.
