I reviewed your posts, and no, you're not crazy. IMHO, DBing post-D seems to make sense ESPECIALLY if the WAS is going thru a MLC/depression. Do you see your XW as experiencing that? I say this b/c of her willingness to give up her child w/out so much as a fight. That's very unlike the choice of a happy, confident woman.
Fill us in more re your current sitch, in terms of living situation, distance/freq contact b/t you two, your GAL work/plan, and areas of agreement/peace and continued conflict.
As far as MLC, she fits the description in DR to a tee. She was unhappy in the M and has no feelings left for me. But we also fit the scenario of chapter 1 so who really knows. She is full of confidence and told me yesterday she is much happier now.
I kept the house for the time being....has to be on the market by year end. She rented a townhome 3 miles away.
I was told in March that I may get transferred in November. It did not happen...at least not yet as it has been postponed until March 06. When she filed I became extremely upset about the "loss" of a relationship with my son if I were forced to relocate a great distance away. I indicated I would fight for custody even if it bankrupted us both. She chose to give me custody I guess to avoid this fight and her realization that my son wants to live with me. I think too it could have been a peace offering since she really wanted this D to be friendly.
But with the relocation pending...we agreed she would maintain custody for the remainder of the school year to avoid that major change in his life. So the agreement gives me custody at the end of May 06.
She takes him to school each morning....I pick him up each afternoon and he stays with me until she gets off work. She drops by daily to pick him up. We also see each other every Saturday morning for my son's flag football games. He is also with me EOW and some of the time on her weekend because he wants to come over. So right now...I see and talk to her everyday.
We are cordial to each other most of the time but I get a poor attitude when I think she is out with a male friend she enjoys the company of. This has created some tension because I am still jealous of her activities. I know that is not good. More on that later if needed.
As far as my GAL. I joined a Men's group at my church that meets weekly. I am also attending a DivorceCare program that meets weekly and I play softball weekly. Add those things to my son's activties....I am staying busy.
I have been having a very rough and emotional few days. Fact is, the days have not been that much different since the divorce. I suppose it started when I learned my XW had accepted an invitation to attend a football game with a MF.
After the game, she and several others went to his house to hang out and she supposedly had too much to drink and stayed the night. I learned of this because my son and I dropped by her house Sunday morning to get his church clothes she forgot to pack. She must have just gotten home since she was still in the same clothes that she was in when I saw her at my son's football game Saturday morning.
Of course I was more than disturbed and asked about it. She said it was none of my business. I pressed the matter a bit because I felt that to have that degree of comfort with someone this soon after the D, something must have been developing while we were still married. She offered no comments.
She called later that evening and apologized somewhat. She assured me they were just friends and that it was not a good idea for her to drive in her condition. She said she was not looking for any relationship and they did not fool around. It was strictly friends hanging out.
She did admit that she finds him attractive and fun to be around and she did give him a peck kiss goodbye. She shared this with me when she has absolutely no obligation to. I told her I was not so sure about "just friends" since it is not her habit to kiss everybody.
She said maybe she did it since I had accused her many times during our marriage of wanting to divorce because she was interested in him. She said sometimes she felt like acting on it since she was already being accused of it.
Well all this has sent me down the dumps. I am not ready for this type thing yet.
Keeping up on your X's dating life is going to get you no where fast. Your just going to make yourself nuts and that will be very unattractive to your X.
Detachment is the key....Beside, she'll probably just lie to you to protective your feelings.
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Several months ago I was just like you. Always wanting to know what my XW was up to. One day I was talking with a friend about her (and what she was doing) when my friend out of the blue said "thats really none of your business". It really ticked me off at the moment, later I thought about what he said and it became clear to me that her "life" really is none of my business. From that point on I made the effort to ignore what was going on in her life.
The fact is their life is none of our business. I believe the sooner you realize this and start actively steering clear of her personal life, the sooner you will start healing. Some things that helped me: 1. Carving out my own life, with my own friends doing the things I love to do. From other posts sounds like you are doing great in the area. 2. Big for me was to resist the temptation to quiz the boys about what was going on, wether it was indirect or not I resisted the urge. 3. Limit contact with her, if you have to see her at dropoffs keep it short. This may seem kinda cold on my part, but I had to do it to protect myself. It got to a point that every glance or smile gave me hope, even when she had a serious relationship with someone else. Dont quiz her, she finds it very annoying. 4. I do not call her, unless its something about the boys. She has called me, sometimes upset about something or "just to talk to me". I try to reassure her, but am quick to get off the phone. This proves the theory, that the less we push the more they are drawn to us, (good or bad) 5. From DR, I tried to stop going down a cheesless tunnel, the cheeseless tunnel was countless hours of worry, frett and thoughts about her, her and him, her new life, her new life w/o me. Time spent going down this road is wasted and brings you down, so dont go there!
Everyone has to find a way to deal with their own situation. Above all I wanted to maintain a civil relationship, mainly for the boys. I believe its very important to them.
Other than her, what do you really want? Start making plans to get what you want, I think you'll find everything else falls in place. Just gotta give it time.
As I was typing that post, I knew the answers I would get but it felt good anyway. I never imagined how hard this was going to be. I appreciate the support.
Wife called my cell phone today after church and asked if I would pick up a couple of items from the store for her.
She was not feeling well and did not want to go out. I dropped off the items and while there she asked me if I thought she had a fever. I felt her forehead and cheeks and told her she felt a bit warm. I told her I would take son for the afternoon so she could rest.
I hope it's not hopeless b/c I'm gonna get my papers this week and I still want to save my M and even after the D i think I would still like to be with him but right now I really need to dr my but off b/c we had a really good conversation today about what we both want out of this for our kids and how we are struggling with our bills and stuff like that but my H thinks this is just something he has to do so I can move on and he can move on. the one thing I did wrong was to say a smart comment about the OW but after he looked into my eyes and said they are not together I felt much better now I have to show him that I can and have got over her.and maybe we can stop the D or be better friends after it. I really love him and he knows that and he feels that the hurt is so bad so I need to show him that I'm over that to.We also discovered that both of us were telling each other we were going out and gal but that that was just a front. We were indeed just telling the other person that so we could act as if. but I'm still gonna try my best and hopefully it will come together Joa.
